New to this...dealing with husband anger

There's a few problems, here. Sorry you're struggling with this. As a daughter of a father who can be like this, I know exactly why this happens because it happens to me as well. Communication between Autistic and Non-Au isn't just different. The motives and drives and what one enjoys or finds frustrating are literally almost opposite. The miscommunication isn't just a bit frustrating. When it's a significant other or worse - a parent - it creates a deep wound that literally feels isolating, a type of hard rejection and physical heart break. 

Autistics don't dull their senses and this includes our feelings (which we can also have a life-long added difficulty identifying and need to rely solely on other sensory input + factual knowledge to make a calculated decision). In research on Autistic Sense-Perception and the Salience Network, clinicians will say we perceive things as "Too Real". This matters greatly, because the communication difference plus the sensory difference makes for an incredible chasm between the two neurotypes. Sensory (including 'negative' feelings) elements will feel like assault and we can not only immediately flip into defence mode, we can be stuck in Survival Mode. It can take a long time to sift through EVERYTHING incoming and start to recognise how to redesign ones daily life style, ones environmental surroundings and ones responsibilities so that there is a more integrated and fluid life to make a little room to begin to thrive instead of just survive. 

Now, it's irresponsible to blame others, this only compounds problems and doesn't afford everyone room to actually interrogate our own cognitive bias. And unfortunately, some relationships are not actually beneficial or helpful - but I'd rather side with a possibility there is room to grow and change. The first thing one needs to do is learn their strengths and limits. This requires a great deal of solitude and personal investigation. With an Autistic partner, we're far more likely to use a wealth of alone time to self-repair and rebalance. It's rare if never we would find someone else as transition is incredibly problematic. By default we can be too loyal and often have to be forced to disconnect. So if you can handle it, allocate more time than you'd think needed to afford space. In this space you can do all the things you love with friends or indulge in your own 'me' time. 

Growth in relationships is important and maturing into the self is important. Most autistics aren't afforded agency or helped to reach their potential. Due to communication differences, we'll mature slower, as we don't receive the same information - we just don't have receptors for much of how Non-Au's transmit rules or information. Erich Fromm is one of my favourite psychologists, philosophers and authors. He's easy to read and he's incredibly ripe if not timely for modern society. If it's of interest, perhaps you could both read his book, The Art of Loving. Perhaps separate and then spend time discussing it.  

So many things can compound our frustration: a difficulty accessing verbal words internally, unresolved issues (we can be wired for analysis), constant interruptions can be like waking a sleep walker. And all of this is a normal inclination with a purpose but we're a mismatch for modern society and Continually running into hard invisible walls - dismissed, disregarded, told our way of being is meaningless. 

To make matters worse, we feel too deep, too intense and there's not much to be done but learn how to be human, how to create humane surroundings and how to be human with others. Fundamental principles and shared values/virtues will always be something everyone can meet at. There are tools for engaging in an arguments such as being mindful of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse". Be the most careful with confusing abuse for intense frustration or a deeply wounded other.

There is no 'managing' something that's continually breaking down. It could just be time to hunt for wisdom not yet encountered, delete what you thought you knew and be open to a whole refresh. Just make sure to take enough time out for the self to heal and find things you're passionate about. 

There's a few problems, here. Sorry you're struggling with this. As a daughter of a father who can be like this, I know exactly why this happens because it happens to me as well. Communication between Autistic and Non-Au isn't just different. The motives and drives and what one enjoys or finds frustrating are literally almost opposite. The miscommunication isn't just a bit frustrating. When it's a significant other or worse - a parent - it creates a deep wound that literally feels isolating, a type of hard rejection and physical heart break. 

Autistics don't dull their senses and this includes our feelings (which we can also have a life-long added difficulty identifying and need to rely solely on other sensory input + factual knowledge to make a calculated decision). In research on Autistic Sense-Perception and the Salience Network, clinicians will say we perceive things as "Too Real". This matters greatly, because the communication difference plus the sensory difference makes for an incredible chasm between the two neurotypes. Sensory (including 'negative' feelings) elements will feel like assault and we can not only immediately flip into defence mode, we can be stuck in Survival Mode. It can take a long time to sift through EVERYTHING incoming and start to recognise how to redesign ones daily life style, ones environmental surroundings and ones responsibilities so that there is a more integrated and fluid life to make a little room to begin to thrive instead of just survive. 

Now, it's irresponsible to blame others, this only compounds problems and doesn't afford everyone room to actually interrogate our own cognitive bias. And unfortunately, some relationships are not actually beneficial or helpful - but I'd rather side with a possibility there is room to grow and change. The first thing one needs to do is learn their strengths and limits. This requires a great deal of solitude and personal investigation. With an Autistic partner, we're far more likely to use a wealth of alone time to self-repair and rebalance. It's rare if never we would find someone else as transition is incredibly problematic. By default we can be too loyal and often have to be forced to disconnect. So if you can handle it, allocate more time than you'd think needed to afford space. In this space you can do all the things you love with friends or indulge in your own 'me' time. 

Growth in relationships is important and maturing into the self is important. Most autistics aren't afforded agency or helped to reach their potential. Due to communication differences, we'll mature slower, as we don't receive the same information - we just don't have receptors for much of how Non-Au's transmit rules or information. Erich Fromm is one of my favourite psychologists, philosophers and authors. He's easy to read and he's incredibly ripe if not timely for modern society. If it's of interest, perhaps you could both read his book, The Art of Loving. Perhaps separate and then spend time discussing it.  

So many things can compound our frustration: a difficulty accessing verbal words internally, unresolved issues (we can be wired for analysis), constant interruptions can be like waking a sleep walker. And all of this is a normal inclination with a purpose but we're a mismatch for modern society and Continually running into hard invisible walls - dismissed, disregarded, told our way of being is meaningless. 

To make matters worse, we feel too deep, too intense and there's not much to be done but learn how to be human, how to create humane surroundings and how to be human with others. Fundamental principles and shared values/virtues will always be something everyone can meet at. There are tools for engaging in an arguments such as being mindful of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse". Be the most careful with confusing abuse for intense frustration or a deeply wounded other.

There is no 'managing' something that's continually breaking down. It could just be time to hunt for wisdom not yet encountered, delete what you thought you knew and be open to a whole refresh. Just make sure to take enough time out for the self to heal and find things you're passionate about.