Published on 12, July, 2020
I have had a bit of time away from the forum lately due to several reasons which I’ll detail below, but the point of this post is to try and get myself active here again. If I don’t, I’m worried I will lose the ability to post here when I need to. It took such a lot for me to join in the first place so I don’t want lose that confidence. Which if I’m honest, I think is already happening.
The saddening news we all received recently about Luna was a lot. It’s taken a bit of time to process really (as I’m sure it has for a lot of people, especially her close friends and family). On a personal level, my family and I have lost too many people in these past few years. Far too many in fact. Whilst I only spoke to Luna on here occasionally, I wanted to take a step back in respect of her and to allow time to consider the emotions surrounding this (which always takes time). Simply put, I think the negative feelings I’ve been experiencing are sadness, both for us all here and for her loved ones. I think because of my family’s recent losses, which I don’t really speak of often, this has hit pretty hard and so I’ve taken a step back for a little while.
I have been experiencing burn out. This is ongoing and I’m not really talking to the people I’d usually confide in about it because I don’t have the words at the moment. It has impacted senses in a way that I haven’t gone through before. What used to provide comfort now does the complete opposite. Food is a bit of a struggle. I’ve taken time away to try and navigate these new challenges. But in doing so, and not talking/writing, I’m worried that I’m putting distance between myself and my loved ones, as well as the community I’ve come to really appreciate here.
On the only occasion I took a risk and pushed through my current food difficulties, I developed quite a severe form of food poisoning. I’ve never had this before. It was a week of terrible symptoms and now I’m energyless and dizzy. The drs have told me that I could be like this for weeks. It’s pretty overwhelming. But I am moving forwards slowly.
Im certainly not looking for sympathy, but rather was aiming to explain my absence recently. I don’t know why, but perhaps it’s some misplaced guilt for disappearing. I have no idea really. Perhaps this entire post was unnecessary, perhaps not. Maybe it will help, but then again, maybe not. You don’t know if you don’t try and this is me trying to get back into this space again.
Anyway, to those that made it this far, hello again. Or maybe it’s hello for the first time if you’re new here. I hope to be around a bit more again.
I’m really sorry for missing your reply Simon.
Thanks for your kind words and nice welcome. It is important for us all to remember Luna and what she contributed here. She always ended her messages with an x
Take care
It's lovely to see you here again. :)
And thank you for thinking of Luna. x
Thank you for your kind words.
I am sorry for your losses too.
Unfortunately, my story is very similar to the one you describe. I have heard that these things tend to cluster and they certainly have for us. Another common phrase is that these things come in threes, if only it stopped there.
Each one, as you no doubt know, is hard to come to terms with. Unlike many of my family members, my grief tends to come much later and to the untrained eye probably seems out of the blue and bizarre in terms of the timings. It’s not though, it’s just delayed due to processing time and understanding that that person is no longer there.
This delay has meant that I have been the person to speak at many of the funerals when others couldn’t though. So I suppose it works out in the end.
Life can be so painful
In moments like this, it certainly seems like that. It’s where it’s good to have people to turn to when you’re ready. For me, that always takes time. The reminders that it’s okay to take things one step at a time certainly seem to help anyway.
Thanks for taking the time to reply and for the kindness you have shown. Take care.
Oakling said:On a personal level, my family and I have lost too many people in these past few years. Far too many in fact.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Since I've been with my husband (16 years) I've lost my brother-in-law, my sister and my mum, each of them deteriorating slowly which can be quite agonising to watch.
My husband's brother has also died.
I also heard that an ex boyfriend had died on the same day his girlfriend committed suicide.
Life can be so painful and I feel for you.
It certainly has seemed trickier lately. I don’t know if I fully understand why yet, but I think it’s a complicated answer with many contributing factors. Some of which have been outlined here already.
I suppose we have to do what we can to look after ourselves first, only then can we look outwards. Taking things one step at a time is important in moments like these, but the battle is trying to not feel bad about the slower pace. Old habits I think.
Thanks for replying.
I know what you mean. I think I’ve come to rely on this place a little (in a positive way), so I was keen not to just vanish all of a sudden. But you’re right, it can be just as tiring being here as it can be out there too. This is a good point. Slow and steady wins the race. Just as I wouldn’t put pressure on anyone here, there won’t be any on me coming from others. Thanks for your reassurance.
I can relate to some of your post, and can also relate to some of the things Shardovan said in his comment.
Even though it was probably the last thing Luna would have wanted from any of us, I have found it difficult to be as active in the forums as I had previously been. It's as though I've had to gradually ease myself back in.
Like Shardovan, I've been tending to steer clear of what I perceive to be 'heavier' posts. In recent days, I've found myself being selective and leaning more towards 'lighter' posts and private messages. Anything too heavy seems to sap my energy levels.
I am pleased you opted to write this post, as difficult as it may have been. A recent mantra of mine is that you have to do what feels right for you.
Is strange how online communities affect us. I don't know you but at some point recently away from the forum found myself wondering where you'd got to. So I'm glad you are back. Be kind to yourself because engaging in online stuff can be just as exhausting as real life sometimes. We get it. Look after yourself.
Thanks Shardovan. Typical of me, I had gone back and forth over pressing post, but went with it in the end.
You mention the idea of being overwhelmed and worrying about what you’d offer as being less useful currently and I can certainly say that I’m feeling a similar level of self doubt at the moment. It’s not good to read that you are feeling it too though. I think that’s one of the reasons I pushed myself to hit post, if I didn’t, I’d never know if my suspicions were true or not.
It’s interesting to see that you have shifted to private messaging. I have had one conversation on here via private messaging so far. It was different, but an all round nice experience. I had worried about balance, but found those worries to be, as usual, worse in my head than they actually were. I’d certainly be okay with doing that again if the opportunity arose. This place is full of many interesting voices to listen to. It’s interesting to find out what experiences I’d taken to be unique, that turn out to be shared by or related to, in some way or another, by fellow autistic people.
In terms of food, the plainer the better at the moment. But as you say, even then, it’s often too much for my senses. A daft comment, but I also feel a bit betrayed by the food that made me ill (it’s usually a safe food for me).
Im certainly hoping to be around again a bit more, as and when I can. Your reply has certainly helped. So, thank you.
Hi Oakling. I’m glad you made yourself write all that (draining as it will have been for you) as I think you’ve said some really important and (with regards to Luna’s loss and hugely felt absence) beautiful and moving stuff there.
I can relate to some of what you’re saying. I’ve definitely been posting less, partly out of sadness but also because many of the more intense posts that I’d normally feel somewhat up to posting/offering encouragement in Ive instead stayed out of (for now at least) as I feel too easily overwhelmed right now to offer anything useful. And that makes me feel kind of guilty.
I’ve also slightly shifted for now into private messsaging more than public posting for a number of reasons, and how those ratios may shift in the future who knows?
That loss of appetite thing- I get that too in the worst times - most recently about a fortnight ago for several days and lasting through the subsequent initial news about Luna’s passing. It’s more than a loss of appetite alone - it’s more that all sensory input other than the blandest or quietest stuff feels extreme. Dry bread and a rich tea biscuit might be ok. I’m not in that place right now, but it never feels too far off. I hope you start to feel your appetite and energy to post/participate come back soon.