Published on 12, July, 2020
I have had a bit of time away from the forum lately due to several reasons which I’ll detail below, but the point of this post is to try and get myself active here again. If I don’t, I’m worried I will lose the ability to post here when I need to. It took such a lot for me to join in the first place so I don’t want lose that confidence. Which if I’m honest, I think is already happening.
The saddening news we all received recently about Luna was a lot. It’s taken a bit of time to process really (as I’m sure it has for a lot of people, especially her close friends and family). On a personal level, my family and I have lost too many people in these past few years. Far too many in fact. Whilst I only spoke to Luna on here occasionally, I wanted to take a step back in respect of her and to allow time to consider the emotions surrounding this (which always takes time). Simply put, I think the negative feelings I’ve been experiencing are sadness, both for us all here and for her loved ones. I think because of my family’s recent losses, which I don’t really speak of often, this has hit pretty hard and so I’ve taken a step back for a little while.
I have been experiencing burn out. This is ongoing and I’m not really talking to the people I’d usually confide in about it because I don’t have the words at the moment. It has impacted senses in a way that I haven’t gone through before. What used to provide comfort now does the complete opposite. Food is a bit of a struggle. I’ve taken time away to try and navigate these new challenges. But in doing so, and not talking/writing, I’m worried that I’m putting distance between myself and my loved ones, as well as the community I’ve come to really appreciate here.
On the only occasion I took a risk and pushed through my current food difficulties, I developed quite a severe form of food poisoning. I’ve never had this before. It was a week of terrible symptoms and now I’m energyless and dizzy. The drs have told me that I could be like this for weeks. It’s pretty overwhelming. But I am moving forwards slowly.
Im certainly not looking for sympathy, but rather was aiming to explain my absence recently. I don’t know why, but perhaps it’s some misplaced guilt for disappearing. I have no idea really. Perhaps this entire post was unnecessary, perhaps not. Maybe it will help, but then again, maybe not. You don’t know if you don’t try and this is me trying to get back into this space again.
Anyway, to those that made it this far, hello again. Or maybe it’s hello for the first time if you’re new here. I hope to be around a bit more again.
I can relate to some of your post, and can also relate to some of the things Shardovan said in his comment.
Even though it was probably the last thing Luna would have wanted from any of us, I have found it difficult to be as active in the forums as I had previously been. It's as though I've had to gradually ease myself back in.
Like Shardovan, I've been tending to steer clear of what I perceive to be 'heavier' posts. In recent days, I've found myself being selective and leaning more towards 'lighter' posts and private messages. Anything too heavy seems to sap my energy levels.
I am pleased you opted to write this post, as difficult as it may have been. A recent mantra of mine is that you have to do what feels right for you.
It certainly has seemed trickier lately. I don’t know if I fully understand why yet, but I think it’s a complicated answer with many contributing factors. Some of which have been outlined here already.
I suppose we have to do what we can to look after ourselves first, only then can we look outwards. Taking things one step at a time is important in moments like these, but the battle is trying to not feel bad about the slower pace. Old habits I think.
Thanks for replying.