Published on 12, July, 2020
I have had a bit of time away from the forum lately due to several reasons which I’ll detail below, but the point of this post is to try and get myself active here again. If I don’t, I’m worried I will lose the ability to post here when I need to. It took such a lot for me to join in the first place so I don’t want lose that confidence. Which if I’m honest, I think is already happening.
The saddening news we all received recently about Luna was a lot. It’s taken a bit of time to process really (as I’m sure it has for a lot of people, especially her close friends and family). On a personal level, my family and I have lost too many people in these past few years. Far too many in fact. Whilst I only spoke to Luna on here occasionally, I wanted to take a step back in respect of her and to allow time to consider the emotions surrounding this (which always takes time). Simply put, I think the negative feelings I’ve been experiencing are sadness, both for us all here and for her loved ones. I think because of my family’s recent losses, which I don’t really speak of often, this has hit pretty hard and so I’ve taken a step back for a little while.
I have been experiencing burn out. This is ongoing and I’m not really talking to the people I’d usually confide in about it because I don’t have the words at the moment. It has impacted senses in a way that I haven’t gone through before. What used to provide comfort now does the complete opposite. Food is a bit of a struggle. I’ve taken time away to try and navigate these new challenges. But in doing so, and not talking/writing, I’m worried that I’m putting distance between myself and my loved ones, as well as the community I’ve come to really appreciate here.
On the only occasion I took a risk and pushed through my current food difficulties, I developed quite a severe form of food poisoning. I’ve never had this before. It was a week of terrible symptoms and now I’m energyless and dizzy. The drs have told me that I could be like this for weeks. It’s pretty overwhelming. But I am moving forwards slowly.
Im certainly not looking for sympathy, but rather was aiming to explain my absence recently. I don’t know why, but perhaps it’s some misplaced guilt for disappearing. I have no idea really. Perhaps this entire post was unnecessary, perhaps not. Maybe it will help, but then again, maybe not. You don’t know if you don’t try and this is me trying to get back into this space again.
Anyway, to those that made it this far, hello again. Or maybe it’s hello for the first time if you’re new here. I hope to be around a bit more again.
Hi Oakling. I’m glad you made yourself write all that (draining as it will have been for you) as I think you’ve said some really important and (with regards to Luna’s loss and hugely felt absence) beautiful and moving stuff there.
I can relate to some of what you’re saying. I’ve definitely been posting less, partly out of sadness but also because many of the more intense posts that I’d normally feel somewhat up to posting/offering encouragement in Ive instead stayed out of (for now at least) as I feel too easily overwhelmed right now to offer anything useful. And that makes me feel kind of guilty.
I’ve also slightly shifted for now into private messsaging more than public posting for a number of reasons, and how those ratios may shift in the future who knows?
That loss of appetite thing- I get that too in the worst times - most recently about a fortnight ago for several days and lasting through the subsequent initial news about Luna’s passing. It’s more than a loss of appetite alone - it’s more that all sensory input other than the blandest or quietest stuff feels extreme. Dry bread and a rich tea biscuit might be ok. I’m not in that place right now, but it never feels too far off. I hope you start to feel your appetite and energy to post/participate come back soon.
Thanks Shardovan. Typical of me, I had gone back and forth over pressing post, but went with it in the end.
You mention the idea of being overwhelmed and worrying about what you’d offer as being less useful currently and I can certainly say that I’m feeling a similar level of self doubt at the moment. It’s not good to read that you are feeling it too though. I think that’s one of the reasons I pushed myself to hit post, if I didn’t, I’d never know if my suspicions were true or not.
It’s interesting to see that you have shifted to private messaging. I have had one conversation on here via private messaging so far. It was different, but an all round nice experience. I had worried about balance, but found those worries to be, as usual, worse in my head than they actually were. I’d certainly be okay with doing that again if the opportunity arose. This place is full of many interesting voices to listen to. It’s interesting to find out what experiences I’d taken to be unique, that turn out to be shared by or related to, in some way or another, by fellow autistic people.
In terms of food, the plainer the better at the moment. But as you say, even then, it’s often too much for my senses. A daft comment, but I also feel a bit betrayed by the food that made me ill (it’s usually a safe food for me).
Im certainly hoping to be around again a bit more, as and when I can. Your reply has certainly helped. So, thank you.