Earliest Memory

My earliest memory was attending Play-School whenever I was 3 - turning 4 - in 1983. Also, I can remember Captain Sensible's cover of 'Happy Talk' on TV then; which led me down the TV Rabbit Hole.

I fractured my skull in 1984 when pretending to be a Superhero, I was about to turn 5. I can remember Tom and Jerry being on BBC1 on Sunday Afternoons then.

I remember sitting on father chrismas' lap when I was about 6. It was in school, I remember everyone in the room was looking at me odd, my mum and my sister chief amongst them. I wasn't comfortable, and everyone could tell that.  I squirmed, something I didn't understand was making me so uncomfortable, and while being sat there, on his lap, my mum starts complaining and berating, as usual, because I won't sit still. I was always the child 'who made the most fuss, and as such, no matter what I said, it was always just some ploy to get attention, or something else nefarious. There was no way I could just be asking for help, or that something could genuinely wrong.

I only discovered what had made me so uncomfortable when I was a teenager, and I had my first dose of sexual education in school. It turns out, father chrismas had an erection, and while he had his hands on me, he was pushing his *** into my ***. 

But fussy/annoying children apparently deserve a good telling off, even if they're being mildly sexually assaulted. No matter what hardship's been thrown our way, family will always find a way to blame me for it.

That is so sad... about the school being so violent, and also about what happened to your friend's bullying brother. I have heard it said that bullies can often be the victims of bullies themselves.

When I was at secondary school, there was a lad that would often bully me (not physically). We bumped into each other years later at a wedding. He recognised me and had approached me for a chat. I told him about how his bullying had made me feel, and he was mortified. He had thought his behaviour towards me at school was harmless fun. He was extremely apologetic when he realised that hadn't been the case.

Hi, I met a school friend a few weeks ago that I hadn’t seen for about 35 years. We went to a very violent boys school, and the conversation went on to how the school had ruined so many lives. The level of violence and mental torture was off the scale. Getting to my point, I asked him how his brother was, he was one of the bullies. He told me that he had died 4 years ago. He had drunk himself to death. My friend said that his brother was the last victim of that school and he had a lot of demons in his head. It turns out that the bully was more messed up than anyone would have thought. I was sad to hear of him passing, none of us really know what goes on in someone else’s head.

My secret? Maybe I was just lucky. One thing I do know is that even with my school friends, there were times when I felt that I didn't quite fit in and couldn't always relate to them.

At secondary school, I had been befriended by a group of 4 girls. There was one occasion when two of the girls had fallen out with each other (I have no idea what about). The remaining two girls had taken sides, and I was told that I had to choose a side too. As far as I was concerned, neither of them had done anything to upset me, so I saw no reason why I couldn't remain friends with both parties. This resulted in them all falling out with me. At the time I thought they were all being extremely childish and unreasonable, and can remember writing about it in my diary. I had felt thoroughly indignant. Now, the memory of it makes me laugh.

I'm sure I have seen other discussions on the forum on the topic of bullying. As for why autistic people get bullied, I have no idea. Maybe the bullies don't even know the answer to that.

NTs intuition let their subconscious know after 10sec of interaction if there is any deceit, they perceive masking as deceit

Yes we are the exact same with this. Though I never managed to make friends, what's your secret lol? When I go to school I cannot wait to get back home. My face lights up again when I see mum. I try to stay in but if I do have to go out I also cannot wait to go back home again.

I liked cats before already and yes that one boy kept his distance ever since

I certainly seemed to have separation anxiety when I was a child, and to a certain extent when I was a teenager. Whilst I had friends, teachers, and subjects I liked at secondary school, I was at my happiest when I was at home. I'm now in my 40s and I'm much the same now. If I do venture out, I cannot wait to get back home to my 'safe space'. It seems that you may be similar to me in that respect.

Hi, I think  being bullied could be another entire post on its own. Why do most autistic people get bullied? Are people scared of someone who’s different? It was nursery school when I started masking, the bullies still were able to pick me out all the way through mainstream schooling. We don’t look that different. It’s something that I often think about.

Aw that must have been horrible for you. It's never nice when parents leave you when you're still really young. Having said that I don't like being left now and I'm 16! I also cried and cried on my first day of primary school and secondary school. Hate it when I have to be anywhere that isn't home.

Thank you Mariusz for the childhood memories you have felt able to share.

I am sure many of us have memories of school bullies. There were two boys who used to bully me because I wore glasses. One of them grabbed my glasses, threw them down on the playground and trod on them. I must have been about 6 years old, and I have never forgotten their names.

Some may consider it Karma that the boy who had chased you ended up tripping over that chair. I hope he didn't bully you again after that.

Your memory of the kittens in the attic is so sweet. It seems like that experience might have been responsible for a lifelong fondness of cats. 

Thank you Eve for sharing that memory of your first day at nursery.

Your experience sounds similiar to my first day at nursery. The only difference being that you calmed down and got a sticker. My mother ended up staying with me at nursery for the whole of the first term, which was not her idea of fun at all. Eventually, the nursery staff decided that perhaps it was more of a hindrance than a help for my mother to stay with me. Apparently, they distracted me and told my mother to leave when I wasn't looking. As soon as I realised she had gone, I screamed the place down and had been very cross with her for 'abandoning' me when she later returned to collect me. I had genuinely thought that I was never going to see her again.

We enjoy our reminescences a lot, don't we?

I'll skip my earliest memory, because it's a nightmare story you don't need to know in detail involving my ''dad''. I was 4 y.o at that time, I remember my second sister was an infant less than 6 months. It's easy to pinpoint timeframes if you've got sibilings.

Then there was few from kindergarden - my introduction to being bullied by other boys - I remember being chased around eating room by one boy, I made a chair fall behind me while running away and he tripped over it, smashing his face badly on the back of the chair. 

One memory I wanted to tell you about happened when I was 5 y.o. The first time I felt awe. My granpa took me to the attic to see newly born kittens. I wasn't one of those kids tormenting animals so their mom allowed me to pick up one. Kitten was the size of half of my tiny hand, and couldn't even stand yet. I know it now that I must have scared him a lot, that's why he was trying to roll off my hand, meowing in panic, I put him back after less than a minute because I was affraid I might drop him and damage him, he was so soft and delicate. I stayed there watching them a long time, I love watching cats play, and kittens are so funny.

I think we remember more because we have more memories emotionally loaded

Thank you for sharing that memory Martin.

Your description of the doorknobs in the house sounds similar to a house I had lived in when I was a child. The only difference being that the internal doorknobs weren't glass.

Thank you Roy for sharing this memory.

It seems that many people on the Spectrum with anxiety are considered shy. I too was often considered to be shy by other people. As you say, "shy" doesn't even cover how we can often feel.

My earliest memory, must have been when I was 3, because we left the house concerned when I was that age. The house was Victorian in date and the internal doors had glass doorknobs. Because they were knobs, and not handles that give some leverage, I could not turn them, and I remember being very frustrated that I could not open a shut door and go into the room.

Thank you sphynx for sharing your early childhood memories, even though they were clearly traumatic for you.

When I was a young child, I had what was referred to as a lazy left eye. I wore glasses, and for a time I had to wear a patch (a large plaster) over my right eye, which I hated because I didn't like the sensation of it on my skin. I was also required to attend regular appointments at an eye hospital, which I also didn't like. I was (and am still not) a fan of hospitals. Whilst I understand the need for them to be super-clean and sterile and would be horrified if they weren't, I find the antiseptic odours off-putting.

I now find myself wondering if the trauma might be the reason why we remember these very early childhood events so vividly, rather than because we are on the Spectrum.

Mine is of my first day at nursery. Remember this really well. Mum and me were stood at the door and I was holding on to mums legs for dear life screaming and crying because I didn't want her to leav me. I remember mum telling me it would be so much fun and wouldn't be long before I saw her again. I just cried and screamed. Eventually mum calmed me down and I stayed and the nursery teacher gave e a sticker for being a star