Earliest Memory

Having now been a member of the NAS Community for approximately a fortnight, I thought it was about time I got around to starting a discussion, as opposed to simply commenting on discussions started by other members.

The following is an event that happened more than 40 years ago (before anyone knew I was autistic), which I remember in full technicolour glory...

As I had no siblings, my mother had been keen to socialise me with other children before I started nursery school, so had taken me to a playgroup. I guess this means that I would have been aged about 3 or 4 years old.

The playgroup was in a room at the town's rugby club, and the rugby club was located in the town's large park, where there was also a leisure centre and outdoor ski slope.

I remember walking into this room (the playgroup), and my senses being hit by an overwhelming and unpleasant smell of plasticine, along with other smells/odours that I considered equally as unpleasant.

Some of the children were playing together, whilst others were playing on their own. My mother was keen for me to join them, but I didn't want to and refused to leave her side. The more she and the playgroup staff attempted to persuade me to join the other children, the more I protested and insisted that I wanted to be taken back home. Being in this strange and unfamiliar environment was just too traumatic for me. In hindsight, I guess I'd displayed all the hallmarks of an autistic meltdown.

Fortunately (for me), I had caused my mother so much stress that day that she never attempted to take me back to that playgroup.

If you are on the spectrum, do you have any vivid memories of early childhood?


Edited to add: I thought I would ask this question because I sometimes wonder if those of us who are on the Spectrum are better at remembering events from our early childhood.

Also, if your memories are traumatic, please don't feel obliged to share them unless you feel comfortable doing so.

  • I am fairly sure my dad was NT. I don't know if it was simply a good father-daughter bond, but we mostly got on. After he retired, he would often vent to my son and me about my mother. He did it in a way that was often amusing and made us laugh. If my mother upset me, he would often end up telling her to back off and give me some space. As for my mother, I strongly suspect that she is Autistic, along with her siblings and some of my cousins. A hereditary link, as my gran had traits too.

    It sounds as though you had a lovely relationship with your dad. I felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world when my dad died (still does). Quite often when my mother is driving me ever closer to insanity, I will find myself inwardly pleading with him to come back and rescue me. I imagine him giving me a wink, chuckling away, and saying, "Sorry, I put up with her for 40+ years, she's your problem now!" 

  • Yes, I was the same with my father, he died 6 years ago, I never realised how much he carried me in life. He was my business partner as well. I could just work on my own, at my own speed and he kept Joe Public away from me. I’ve talked over with my wife about the fact that he was almost certainly autistic, she totally agrees. He would have outburst because he couldn’t process something, wouldn’t ever try new foods and had dysgraphia the same as me. He hated holidays as do I as routine and surroundings are different. I miss him everyday. He always forgave me anything, my mother would berate my for months over what I was actually struggling with. The same as you, I will visit my mother occasionally but my wife knows that I’m climbing the walls.

    strange how in America covid vaccines are now getting linked to autism with no foundation.

  • Yes very unfortunate, and it happened more than once lol. I'm very clumsy at times. Ashamed to say that I'm very much like you in the sense that I trip over my feet all the time, embarrassing when it happens in a street full of people. At least I don't cry now though. 

  • Thank you for sharing that memory Becky.

    How unfortunate that you had tripped over your feet whilst excitedly running to your Mum. I have been known to trip over my own feet too, and that's when I'm walking at quite a slow pace. As an adult, it can leave me feeling rather embarrassed when I happen to be outside in a public area. I just want the ground to swallow me up, and for onlookers to completely ignore me.

  • Interesting that you should ask that question Roy. Since engaging with the forum, I have noticed that a good many members have issues with their parents and other family members, especially those diagnosed or self-diagnosed later on in life. To be honest, I think it was the early 90's when I first started to hear about Autism, which I'm sure was only because some doctor had incorrectly claimed the MMR vaccine was causing Autism and it had made headline news.

    There has always been a personality clash between myself and my mother, but I rarely had any issues with my dad, even though he didn't always understand me, and I didn't always understand him. I think I can relate to what you say about how your feel about your mother. It doesn't make you a bad person, as not everyone has close relationships with their parents. Since my dad died, I've had very little to do with my mother. I just don't have the patience for her and cannot stand to be in her company now.

  • Hello  ,

    My earliest memory is of me when I was about 5 or 6, I had just finished school and was running across the playground to my Mum. I was always so excited to see her and relieved as I always thought she might abandon me and not come back. So I was running and unfortunately I tripped over my own feet lol and went down to the ground. I cut my knee and grazed my hands and started crying. Mum ran over to me and gave me a hug and my teacher Mrs Williams came over as well. I can't remember what happened next but I remember running, my excitement to see Mum and then falling. That's my strongest first memory.

  • Thank you Laura,

    18 months old! Wow! That really is a very early memory indeed.

  • Thank you for sharing that information with me Kitsune, and for sharing that memory.

    So, it would seem that my hunch was right then? I had pondered if the reason why I was able to remember my early childhood memory with such clarity was because it had been traumatic, and traumatic events can have a tendency to stay lodged in our memories (unless of course, they are repressed).

  • Hi, do you find a common thread though the replies. For late diagnosed or late self diagnosed people, we still seem to have issues with how our parents treated us.The unhelpful awkward, needy and “don’t show me up” comments live with us. I know the parents had no more idea than we had.

    I find that I just can’t gell with my remaining parent my mother. I don’t blame her for my childhood but I just can’t forgive. I find showing emotion very difficult, I’m either a mess of emotions or nothing, there is no grey I suppose. I just don’t have any love for her. I know That sounds horrible but I can’t be what I’m not. I suppose I feel let down, the memories of all the things that happened in childhood and there was no one who could help.

  • Celticchainxe,

    I feel horrified by what you experienced and honestly don't know what to say. What that man (Father Christmas) did to you was totally unacceptable and inexcusable. It is so heartbreaking that your family seemed to be oblivious as to what was happening and didn't intervene.

  • Thank you for providing that image of the steps. I worry though that it might have breached the Community rules. 

  • The house and these steps still exist.  We moved out decades ago.

    Here is a Google Street view image of the steps.

  • Thank you for feeling able to share that Robert124.

    I am curious. Were the stone stairs at the back of the terraced house outside? The reason I ask is because I had once lived in a terraced house with stone stairs outside the back of the house. They had led down to a cellar, coal storage cupboard, and a garden. 

  • It's difficult to decide which memory is earliest.

    Another very early memory is vivid  because it's so painful.

    The back of our terraced house had around ten tall stone stairs.

    My memory is of being dragged up the stairs by my ear, by my father, like a rag doll and my legs  hitting the stairs and my skin being torn off.

  • I also have PTSD, but my earliest (ant very vivid!) memory was from the age of approx. 18 months, when a curtain pole with very heavy curtains fell on top of me in my cot, completely swamping me. 

  • I’m glad that you asked this question, as typically autistic people can access earlier memories than NTs due to differences in the way that we store our memories. My earliest memory is from when I was still an infant, I remember laying on the floor in the bathroom watching my mother taking a bath.

  • Hello Libris Vexed, and thank you for sharing that.

    I can understand why you felt terrible for being the only person that hadn't asked how 'Greg' was, but I can also understand why he had felt so relieved that you hadn't. I imagine that with lots of people making a fuss and presumably enquiring as to how he was recovering, it would have felt like a constant reminder of what must undoubtedly have been a highly traumatic experience for him.

  • A lot of my early memories are muddled by my epilepsy - that's what caused the traumas I remember! The ones caused by Autism are a floaty patch of confusion as social stuff just baffled me. However, I do remember one incident as a teenager which was classic Autism, looking back on it. One of the people at the youth club I went to, who I was fairly friendly with, and quite liked, got into a horrible car crash which was almost fatal. He was in hospital for weeks, and it was a big thing when he came back to the youth club. Everyone else made a huge fuss over him, I was "Hey Greg, how's it going", and I didn't ask one thing about the crash. He was overjoyed and told me I was the only person not to have asked him how he was.....I felt terrible, because I DID care, but he was quite relieved!

  • Hello Desmond79, and thank you for sharing your memories.

    I too remember Captain Sensible's cover of 'Happy Talk', although was unaware back then that it was a cover. I have just googled it and now know that it was from South Pacific (Rodgers and Hammerstein).

    How unfortunate that you fractured your skull pretending to be a Superhero. Were you pretending to be Superman? I imagine it must have been incredibly painful. When I was 6, I managed to fracture my left elbow, and I know I found that extremely painful.

    I also remember Tom and Jerry being on BBC1 back in the 1980s.