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Grief

Sian

Hi my name is Sian and I'm autistic, I have been since I was born and I was officially diagnosed when I was 4. The subject matter is something that has been playing on my mind recently and I hope for some reassurance. I'm just really hoping I'm not the only one. I have recently lost my grandmother, she died in June 2021. I was sad on the day of her death and I was sad at the funeral. But afterwards it's like I've skipped all the stages of grief and gone right to acceptance, it feels like I've got over it already, whereas others in my family are still struggling. It's not that I didn't love her any less but that's what it feels like to me. Please tell me this is normal for autism, I don't want to feel like a heartless robot.

  • I’m the same, it depends on who the person is, how old they are, if they were unwell etc I was more upset to hear that my aunt had terminal cancer than when she died because I knew that was going to happen. It wasn’t a shock. One of my Nans had very severe dementia and was in a home for a long time (as well as being incredibly elderly) so I wasn’t sad when she passed either. I was very close to my Grandad I was sad the night he passed away and cried at the funeral but he was old, in pain and ready to go he spoke with me a lot about it because others got upset. But on the other hand losing my Dad at a young age was pretty devastating but I was able to go back to school quite quickly and I actually preferred that as earlier that year a girl had a long time off when her brother was killed in an accident and people were really staring when she finally came back and I didn’t want the same done to me

  • Sian, the feeling that you've described is familiar to me. I find that whenever something very bad happens, such as the death of a loved one, my emotional response is flat at the time, with confused and indirect ill effects afterwards,

    You describe loving your grandmother, then being worried about your reaction to her death. The inference about your ability to care for others is clear to me from these two features of your behaviour.

  • It's normal.  Don't want to post too much about this but I have experienced exactly the same with a much loved, very close relative.  Had the same thoughts as you, initially.

  • in reply to NAS77030

    I don't know what to say...thank you

  • Hi, please don't worry about the way you are processing the loss of your Grandmother. It is very normal for an Autistic person to experience greef that little bit differently and I understand what you have said. Nothing your feeling is heartless and I would probably be the same if I was in your position. Sorry that you have been worrying about this but it is normal, your just processing your emotions differently like I would aswell. The same happened to me when my Great Grandfather died in around April 2021 and I wasn't sure how to react or if I reacted at all but I loved him very much. You shouldn't make yourself feel bad about the way you are processing this situation, it's actually good that you haven't been hit as deeply or for as long as your other family members and it's not because you are heartless.

    Hope some of this helped but there will be many people like you looking for the same answers and feeling the same as you when it is very normal. Greif is a difficult and horrible thing to overcome but it's the little things we remember and the memories aswell and for an Autistic person, we experience these things in different ways.

    :] 

  • in reply to Akkrenskarin

    I'm relieved to hear you say that and glad it's not just me. I had the same reaction to my paternal grandmother as well as my maternal grandmother but I wasn't as close to my paternal grandfather so his death didn't affect me as strong. I'm sorry about your grandfather.

  • I think it might be normal for autism - I was not especially upset by the loss of either of my paternal grandparents, even though I was close to them. My father, who is not diagnosed but is most definitely on the spectrum also, was equally stoic over their deaths. I found my maternal grandfather's death harder to deal with, but that, I think, was more anger over the circumstances of it (Covid).

  • Sorry for your loss. Everybody reacts differently to grief, regardless of whether they're autistic or not. I've dealt with a lot of bereavement over the past few years. Some of the things made me very sad - to the point of being physically ill - some I was sad for a few days and then moved on. Some I thought I had processed and then came back at strange and surprising moments and/or in unexpected ways. I have been criticised for not handling grief in the same way as other people though or for being insensitive, so maybe ASD does play a part in how we grieve or at least how we show our grief. I also think that how we process and what we need during that time might be different to neurotypicals.