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Issues in the bedroom

NAS72600

Hi, my husband, who I have been with for 11 years now has been in touch with doctors about being referred for a assessment for Autism.

Basically I'm trying to understand things from my husbands point of view.  We have had a rough time, we are both having counselling for our separate issues, I have not been very patient and understanding with my with husband and have got angry and annoyed with him quite easily and not been understanding due to the fact I was previously in a physically abusive relationship for 13 years, I have learned how to try and keep calm and think before I open my mouth ( not always successful, but loads better than I was.

Anyway one of the big issues we have is sex and my husband struggling to talk about it. I have a very high sex drive and his is very low.   I always seem to come onto him and he never comes onto me, he likes to plan when we will do it, which I do go along with but not really happy about this as more often than not I will be getting excited thinking we are going to have sex and then he has changed his mind and we don't have sex.    I would like it to be spontaneous and him to come onto me, but that never happens, I know before he said he was worried that he would come onto me and maybe I might not want to have sex, I said I'm always up for sex and in the very rare chance I'm not then I would tell him.

I just wondered if anyone could  give us and ideas/suggestions on how to work through this issue.

  • in reply to NAS72600

    You're welcome, and remember have fun :)

  • in reply to O

    Hi O

    Thank you for your reply. I think we are going to give playing music ago, as my husband also has tinnitus, so music will help block that out. 

  • in reply to aidie

    Hi Aidie

    thanks for your reply, actually my husband is the one that’s more keen on this idea.  If anything I think I am going to find this harder as soon as we start kissing and he has his hands on me, I want sex lol, which I think then he might feel a lot of pressure and maybe then that puts him off a bit.

    Im happy to try this as then maybe after a while he can enjoy this knowing that there will be no sex, then maybe in the future he might be happy to progress further. 

  • in reply to NAS72600

    B:   ok because of what Plastic said just to add u take turns touching each other ( light massage / feather ) ie deliberately sensitising the rest of the body and them dont complete the act. Women prefer this game more than men and I think it was created for women. 

  • in reply to aidie

    Hi Aidie

    Thanks for your reply, we wouldn't be able to try A, as we have a little boy, so neither of us would like to be away from him or really from each other for very long.

    We could try B, I might show my husband and see what he thinks.

  • Hi it's hard to suggest things for you and your husband because obviously I'm not you. so I can only tell you what I know works for me.

    I'm 22, male so naturally my sex drive is high so I relate to you from your point of view when you're in the mood but there's not much you can do about it. So I'm hoping what I'm about to say may help you and your husband

    I'm autistic and my main sensory "issue" that I have is my hearing, it's very sensitive and I can't block out background noise so I can be distracted very easily, my smell is also sensitive but not like my hearing. When I comes to sex there is lots of sounds for many different reasons I'm sure you already know and smells too not so much but that changes for various reasons. My last relationship I was with my gf for two years I didn't know that I was autistic at the time but I had a lot of issues when it came to my sensory sensitivities as time went on and we got more comfortable we'd play music so that would help with my hearing and there are products you can buy that are scented so that helps too and also scented candles.

    So if your husband is autistic and is prone to sensory overload or sensitivity and he can tell you what bothers him or distracts him you can do things to help alleviate those issues.

    O

  • in reply to aidie
    aidie said:
    B. be in bed together. You are allowed to touch but not the genitals, for say a while decided by one partner

    Isn't that called marriage?    Smiley

  • i remember  reading an odd psychology  paper/experiment on sexual attraction  

    these "games" improve the relationship

    A. be apart for periods of time eg  several days the longer the better lol

    B. be in bed together. You are allowed to touch but not the genitals, for say a while decided by one partner ( take turns ) 

    thats it

  • Hi, and welcome the forum.

    On the main discussion page you can find a tab on the right hand side of the screen ' Introduce yourself '.

  • in reply to Plastic

    Hi Plastic, thank you for your reply, it was very helpful, I showed it to my husband and he smiled reading it cause some of the things you said are how he feels and it made him feel good that someone out there understands him.

    I'm hoping he will start talking to me a bit more.

  • in reply to Plastic

    I agree, If there are any issues in the bedroom, it's always best, To talk about it, and see if there are any things what you both struggle with or things that you both like, 

  • Hiya

    There can be a number of problems and solutions.    First is how tactile is he?   Does he like being touched, is he over-sensitive?     Is getting it on just an overload of annoying stimulations? - room too hot or cold, sheets too itchy, unpleasant body smells or heat - it might be hard for him to get into the mood if everything works against him.    That all comes under finding the myriad of problems and fixing each one in turn.

    I'm not sure how frank I can be on this site but does he have any undeclared special interests?      Is he just a bit inhibited about coming clean (no pun intended)  Smiley

    Men are very simple devices - what can you do to put him in the mood spontaneously?      I guarantee there are things you can do that will immediately focus his mind on the task in hand. Smiley    All you need to do is create enough positives to outweigh anything his brain can try to argue with.

    Good luck.