Notions of identity

Unknown said:

I've said before that I don't want to be defined by my diagnosis

In my opinion I think you are taking the wrong view here. From reading this it tells me that you view Autism as a condition/illness which in my opinion is not the correct view, despite the technicality that in ASD, D stands for disorder, just because they don't really understand it properly yet thats the best label they can give. I do agree that there are quite alot of difficulties that come along with it due not to Autism itself but other comorbidities (depression, anxiety, sensory processing disorder, pyschosis etc) but pure autism which probably doesn't exist in isolation is in my considered opinion not a condition or illness. Its a term that refers to a set of abstracted traits that are shared amongst a group of people who do not share the same culture (culture: the ideas, customs, and social behaviour of a particular people or society.) as the vast majority of people alive and are therefore categorized as having a condition or disorder or illness. To say that your Autism doesn't define you is in my considered opinion like trying to claim your hair colour doesn't define you as a brunette say if you have brown hair, or as a biological man if you have male genitalia. This type of attitude you have about it is just going to continue to perpetuate the negative connotations related to Autism and deny people the enlightment of realising that they are not broken or dsyfunctional because they can't live like almost everyone else but rather they are a different type of person that although has to deal with baggage that comes with it via commorbidities is still a different type of person. I feel some Autistic people have a very shallow understanding of their own nature and just regurgitate what they are fed by neurotypical people. I don't believe in separating people into groups (before anyone mentions this again for the millionth time) but I do believe a person should know and understand their true nature in order to have a more complete, fulfilling and content (not necessarily happy, who needs to be happy all the time?) life. 

I am Autistic no matter where i go or what age I am. I can become any nationality I want (maybe there some I can't but you get the gist), any religious denomination, any gender, a conservative or a labour voter etc, work in almost any profession. I can even learn to like Marmite. These are not intrinsic traits that define who and what I am they can be completely changed on a whim. I can also never become neurotypical. Therefore at the most fundamental level of my existence, I am an Autistic person. Not only that I also feel much more of a connection to other Autistic people than I  do for my own countrymen, others of my religion or other men. I am what I am and thats all that I am and thats all that I ever will be. 

I don't think people who spend their time thinking about their diagnosis and should look at it as a confirmation that they need to start really discovering who they really are as an Autistic individual. They don't have to go around and say to everyone they meet "Hey, I'm Autistic", rather they should just start to find out who they really are as a person without the mask of neurotypicaldom. They don't have to pretend to be neurotypical anymore or feel that, "Some day, I'll be normal, just got to keep trying". They are not broken, they just have to suffer unfortunately from comorbidities and being forced to live in a neurotypical world design for neurotypical people.

Lastly here a big news flash about the professionals who can only recently accurately diagnose people. They don't really know what it is. They don't understand what it is in girls and they don't know how it happens. The best they can do is say "well they don't do what everyone else does, so it must be a disorder!". Mark my words at some point in the not too distant future when they properly understand what it actually is beyond the abstraction they use now thats only good for clincial diagnosis (like when a child sees an animal with wings they know it must be a bird, or bat, or something that flys. It has wings so its definitely not a dog) and how it actually works, it will eventually be recognized that we are just a variation of the good old homo sapiens. I am going to coin our classification right here, right now. We are the subspecies

Homo Sapien Autisticus

This ego versus great true self on high is something I lost way too much sleep over in early adult adulthood. I was so afraid that what I thought my self was, my idealised self up to a point, really a false and this great individuality on high would come along and obliterate my sad and puny personality. Needless to say, this magnificent 'true' individuality was unpleasant and not likable at all. There were those delightful 'friends' who really relished in rubbing it in and playing on all those angsts. I could not sleep and lost a lot of weight and was sure I was existentially damned.

Whatever..... there are certain schools of thought I have nothing to do with now. And anyone into certain kinds of mind games will be shown the door with prejudice. 

I got heavily heavily into goth too! But there became a head-on clash with all those conformists who wanted me to be more into prescribed dress codes in the interests of the jay oh bee. Ironically certain goths I encountered were a bit too much like Anne Rice's antihero when he firsts meets other vampires....... and discovers a petty conformist club.

My 'identity' has moved on in other ways too, I am no longer a brit in quite the same way, I have dual nationality,  with an EU passport. 

Whence this consciousness that never changes?

No idea but hopefully beyond the ideas about it that bothered me so much before. 

it is a masking is a coping mechanism.

yes after diagnosis u do adjust your ego or create a new ego.   I did. I have several other personas  as well (masks ?) but I now know these are creations of my mind as is my identity/igo/self.  

you have to be careful what you are doing  I am gaining reality ( no self ) in a slow controlled way.  Apparently removing your ego ( self , "me" , I ) can lead to a crisis/ a breakdown  if not done in a controlled way.

I admit I am no expert at this and was just reading again today just how difficult it is to be without an ego and thus one with everyone ( enlightenment ? ) 

As an female, I find it absurd that anyone ever took the 'Extreme Male Brain' hypothesis seriously. I may not be that into girly stuff but I don't think my brain is more male than the average man lol.

Isn't masking subconsciously hiding your true identity , Isn't part of identity based on experience ,

I know the weeks after  i admitted i had autism my world turned upside down, the reasoning behind the things in my life all changed ,the foundations of my identity had changed .

Thats what i found ironic in the question ,i was wondering if other people saw this to .  

the spontaneous running stuff is really good for you because u have lost your ego and are youre true self while doing (running cycling )

now stop thinking about those around u and do not compare your self to them.

Try to not dualise things ( like "me, i )  versus them NTs other people etc

do this and things will improve

or even better just ignore me as i am them as well ( Zen )  lol

point at yourself and laugh is also good lol

because u have used the word "i" which immediately suggests u have an identity

I'm not diagnosed yet but I think autism is a big part of my personality.

However, it's very important to find parts of your identity that are not related to it. After all, autistic people are not homogenous.

I like to have spontaneous adventures e.g. long runs/bike rides where I have no idea where I'm going, sometimes in the middle of the night. I guess a lot of autistic people much prefer routine and predictable activities but that isn't me.

Similar to you, I also have little interest in 'fancy' stuff. I genuinely feel much happier staying in a cheap hostel or a campsite than, say, a 'nice' hotel. I feel like so many people, mainly neurotypicals, spend way too much money trying to live up to a stereotypical boring middle class lifestyle, conforming to societal expectations, when you could instead use your imagination and spend your resources on stuff you actually enjoy.

My mum tried to 'correct' me - but she was lazy - she didn't have the staying power to keep it up.      She settled on calling me 'the nasty one' to compare me unfavourably to my infinitely more compliant twin brother. and for not going along with every crazy demand.

Qualifications are no substitute for common sense;

a lesson I learned the hard way.

I agree with you! For me it was very much a case of being trained how to behave in an acceptable way. In terms of what was expected from a girl. I remember my mother grabbing my face and forcing me to make eye contact with her. At 6yrs old I would attempt to engage her in theoretical debates, only to be told "shut up talking rubbish before I slap you".

That freedom you had makes me both happy and sad. Happy you could be, grow and develop as yourself. Sad that it seems the loving mother element was not present.

That's one of the problems there all just theory's, the Extreme male brain theory has a few glaring generalisations to . Obviously there is a large spectrum caused by many interrelating reasons.

You say" we" when you mean " i " ,  Isn't masking hiding / losing your identity. How can i have a true identity if i don't understand my own emotions . 

That's rather like the irony of asking us about our supposed lack of empathy, I suppose. I don't feel particularly deficient in either identity or empathy. There is a movement away from such sweeping generalisations. There now also appear to be a few glaring holes in the gospel according to Simon Baron Cohen. (It seems the Extreme Male Brain hypothesis has already snuffed it.) However, I don't really mind being thought of as an old misfit; now there is something I can identify with.

As I grew up, I was aware of others changing - suddenly growing a new skin - becoming goths or bullies or sportsmen or whatever - I saw them all struggling with trying to fake who they were trying to become.    

Desperately trying to blend with the crowd they thought would be most advantageous to them.       Boys did it by uniform and attitude, girls did it by looks - hot girls or plain girls or tomboys or misfits - clumping together like bacteria growths.    I sailed between them all.      I was 'bigger' and didn't need them.

A university education doesnt make u middle class --  i think ,,,,,  loads of people have degrees now,,  they are 2 a penny    ..... i have no idea what makes u middle class lol 

No - we have valid opinions just like everyone else.    We know who we are - it's just that who we are doesn't always fit with the rest of the world.    What are you getting at?

Does anyone else see the irony of asking autistic people about there sense of identity.  

I remember seeing on the news, as a kid, a lion reserve in North Antrim. Of course, my mum said no. And, don't start me on how my nan reacted.

I wasn't allowed to venture far. So, whenever I got the opportunity as a driver, I lacked confidence; as well as common sense. It was the fallout of dad's death in the Troubles. He had taken me to the Giant's Causeway as a kid the year before he was killed.

I think a lot depends on your ability to have freedom and success when you are young.     If you keep meeting boundaries that don't make sense, you get the feeling of you are incorrect for wanting to attempt to break the mould.         

My dad worked long hours and my mum wasn't interested (undiagnosed aspie) so I had total freedom.     I lived on the edge of countryside, I had a bike - I explored the world and built my own image of myself.      My twin brother was very normal.    He didn't yearn for anything I wanted - like a big train-set or models or seeing cars & planes in museums.     I became very independent - and other people were just obstacles to work around - I had no limits.     I figured out that I could achieve anything I wanted..   I was eight.