I'm so stuck

not where I live 

No, their are specialised police department across the country that have recently been created to combat domestic violence & specialised intervention. 

define aggressive? Shouting? Making unreasonable demands?

As for will he change? Autism isn't a divorce from logic. He should be perfectly capable of having a rational discussion about whether his positions and expectations are reasonable or not. Will he ever get to the stage where he never says or does things that upset your daughter? Probably not, but then I doubt you'd expect that of any farther. But yes he may always do it more than normal people, but even if he remains highly opinionated and blunt he is not locked in to remaining explicitly threatening or completely unopen to reasonable discussion.

police must be different where u live. I know here it would be " we cant intervene, he hasnt done  anything (wrong), yet,  for us to intervene ". 

You're looking at this from a narrow angle - it's the stress of super-masking to *not* do the wrong things in the work environment that cause the home outbursts - and that's also usually because of going home walking in the front door  pre-loaded at 100% stress  - and needing to sit quietly for 1/2 hour to wind down - but inevitably,. the rest of the family start making demands of him so he will pop - and they get the full force of the day's unprocessed stress in one go.

Naturally, they are offended -what they asked was a minor thing but they were oblivious to the extreme stress he was already carrying.

I'm not excusing his behaviour - but this is classic NTs expecting an ASD person to 'just be normal' and don't accommodate his needs because he's managed to mask so well for so long.    

This is the classic path to ASD burnout - high-achieving and so overloaded from every angle having to play nice with NTs.and the NTs cutting him no slack until his brain pops.

But of course, he's the bad guy..

It’s going to take the police to get involved for him be referred to specific services and to be bumped up the waiting lists

The Services that the police can refer him to requires him to be processed to get the funding for the specific service/programme it also be mandatory. Doctors do not have the capability of referring her husband too these services and anything a doctor will offer will be optional and they may have to alert the police and local authority of a possible safeguarding issue anyway which will mess with employment.

the likely hood is that he will get processed without it affecting his employment or record. 

Yes your right, but should a man in his 50s who is a medical practitioner be allowed to treat vulnerable patients if he can’t control his attitude or control his behaviour towards his own daughter. If his older daughter have had to leave the premises because of his behaviour than it’s quite clear his behaviour is of threatening or abusive nature.

I understand that having autism can make us extremely hard to get on with, but this women’s husband has managed his behaviour prior to his diagnosis and is clearly using it as excuse to inflict harm on other because he is fed up. 

Unless Incest is involved, don't call the Police.

He obviously has lived a lie, so much of his life. I know, with my brother, I treated him like s**t whenever he was little. But I needed to develop social skills.

dont involve the police ---- just yet, as they cant do anything I dont think.  I think you should tell him that u are going to tell the children he is autistic for everyones sake.    His  image is non existent ( otherwise  known as 'Pants' ) in your house. 

he is in  a rut I would say

not sure why --- but it is a common thing to happen when u get a diagnosis  ( anxiety that you have changed dialled up into a tight knot ) 

bottom line here is his image is temporary/doesnt exist  and if he is made redundant/loses his job where has his image gone ? 

his image is only in his head, his colleagues may have a very different "image " of him and  not the one he thinks he has.

Your bullied daughter, maybe should move out,  this would allow for a place for your other younger daughter to go  if she needs too. And you as well ! 

It all depends on who owns the house

how much money you have to rehouse the older daughter  ( and is she working ?)

are you willing to leave him ?

we all have a plastic mind and we can all change --- autistic people are also capable of change but it may be slower. 

i do agree he needs help - to change his thinking from resistance to acceptance of his new place.

Please ask him to come on here to talk to similar people like him. He should not be ashamed of being autistic rather he should be proud of his achievements  and by coming out he can help others just like him.

Is it fair to damage the children ,they are not at fault but are taking the hurt. Parents often project there problems on there children.

Yes there is give and take. We are all different .But lying to your children and punishing them for your struggles is only going to cause them hurt and emotional damage .

You need to be firm and fair , being aggressive towards a girl ,making her feel unsafe to be in the house with him ,is totally out of order ,he should apologise . Yes being autistic can make you accidently hurt someones feelings ,[ my wife sometimes starts crying when i have said something ,but i don't do it on purpose and feel bad that i have upset her ]

If he isn't excepting he is causing a problem how is he going to stop . 

A lot of medical professionals develop a bit of a god-complex - and it's surprising how many of the top consultants are aspie - brilliant - but blunt - terrible people skills.

People need to think before involving the police - it can destroy his job so no income, lose the house, wreck everyone's life - all for the sake of needing to open proper communication channels.   

Secrets within families will always accidentally or maliciously be outed - the best thing is to take control and do things in a sensible way.

When the OP mentions aggression, it's not clear if it's physical or language.

The "just have to deal with him as he is" is a cop out - but, like a lot of aspie males find, their lives become too complex and it starts to cave in on itself - the stress of masking all day is becoming too much so you may be on the receiving end of him venting his fear of being 'found out' - and maybe fired from his job.

It might also be possible that he's so stressed that he's crumbling inside - and he has no real mechanism to de-stress himself so all you see is the aggression of what he'd really like to say in the work environment - but obviously can't..

Autism can help explain a behavior but it does not excuse intentionally abusive behaviour that your husband has intentionally done towards your oldest daughter. No, it not a case of that is how he is. He is choosing to be this way. 

If you or your daughters are in real danger then call the police, lock him out of the family home. I am autistic and my step dad is physically, mentally and emotionally abusive to not only my mother but to me a 24 year old autistic male. The abuse will starts to get worse & worse and the more you don't act the more harm they inflict and the more they think they can get away with it. 

My step dad has know getting help because the police were involved, he is being treated for depression but he still abusive and aggressive and he doesnt think he change. the abuse has just gotten more covert.

Sorry but your children are adults and they need the information about their father having autism. It's not all about your husband and this knowledge may effect your children's future with planning a family and your husbands future care. 

Your description of your husband behaviour is similar to someone with a narcissistic personality disorder of superiority which can affect anyone whether or not they are on the neuro divergent spectrum. You need to decide if he refuses to get help between him or your daughters safety you may need to leave and find a women's refuge.      

I'm 55 and my daughter is 22 - I find it incredibly difficult to interface to her - you can almost guarantee that I'll say something that upsets her  every now and then.

She is well aware that I'm aspie but she still holds me to a higher level - so as dad, I'm not allowed to be fallible    

Trying to keep it a secret from your daughters is stupid - they have a choice of knowing that dad has some occasional difficulties if circumstances conspire - or the can know him as an a-hole forever.    His priorities seem messed up and he'd trying to live a lie.   Weird.

It also says a lot about how he regards people on the spectrum - he doesn't want to be labelled  as one of 'them'..

Is he terrified of others finding out and it killing his career?