Sigh... a long winded whinge....

Hi guys,

Just having a bit of a "why me" moment really... Undecided


Had a doozy of a meltdown last night, ds (6) threw a toy at me, kicked me in the stomach, licked the carpet, banged his head on the wall etc etc etc.. We have them on average of fortnightly atm which i know is quite good (they used to be every other day but we are getting there) but they are just getting so out of control as he gets stronger :(


Tried to have the "calm down" chat afterwards and he brought up the toy he had thrown and for about 3 seconds i thought OMG hes actually showing remorse.. but then he went onto talk about what part of the toy hit me, was it this part of that part, if this part hurt me this much would that part have hurt more or less? etc etc - as he was calmly chatting about this my heart was actually breaking into teeny tiny pieces as it dawned on me that this likely wont change :(

Got an appointment on 20.11.12 for THE chat re: medication - DS is showing significant signs of Sensory issues (mostly hyposensitivity) but also quite alot of ADD/ADHD signs (usually related to overstimulation though)... I just want someone else to make the decisions for a bit? Does anyone ahve any experiences positive/negative with medication? I just feel like such a cop out for even considering it....... But i honestly wonder how much longer i can contain the meltdowns before me or someone else gets really bloody hurt!!


Im sick to the back teeth of Speech and Language (whom i am actually starting to dislike quite intensely!!), OT popped it, promised the world then disappeared again, my husband works away and Ds's dad is adament that its just a phase he will outgrow!!!


I feel so alone right now :(

  • Daisygirl,

    its arguable whether he enjoys all his activities... He loves swimming and marshall arts.. football i dont particually like him doing as the coaches have limited understanding of ASD and i seem to spend my life asking them to change certain things.. however when ive asked him if he would like to stop going his response is always "No i do football on a monday" so it could be a routine or it could be that he does like it?

    He sortof likes beavers as well - well he loves collecting the badges lol and its a good opportunity for him to socialise with other children :)

  • Sorry, I didn't mean to suggest your son was having a lot of meltdowns. I used to have meltdowns virtually every day for a time when I was a bit older than your son. They are absolutely draining, and because of the surge of adrenalin they put me on edge of "flight or fight" all day long, eventually ending in a shutdown.

    Does your son enjoy all of the activities he is doing? Again I stress I can only talk from my own experience, and every child is different. At your son's age I had no idea that I could stop anything happening, so I went along with everything that my parents did to me (I phrase it this way, because I was absolutely passive to everything they arranged for me to do).

    I don't really know how to describe this, but the NT world was completely alien to me. I had no idea of how to explain any emotions or feelings at all, but also I didn't have any frame of reference to explain the world at all. Things made literally no sense, and although I had language I had no way of asking the right questions or explaining anything about my experience of the world. I can only describe it as being on an alien planet where everything is not like the world of inside my own head, and no-one can explain anything in the language that I understand.

    I could only understand direct, simple, logical statements, and the response to my parents would be nothing or a very simple response. So for example if I was hurting someone by throwing a toy, if my Mother had said something like "You threw that toy. It hit me and hurt me. It is not OK to do that. Do you understand?", and this said in a very flat calm way, because any kind of raised voice or heightened emotion from my parents just sent me off into a pre-meltdown sequence where I can't hear and I just want to get away. My response would not be what my parents would expect, but would be very brief and flat, but also true. I have noticed that NTs sometimes don't get that people with Aspergers can give an emotionally flat statement, which is also completely true. I often say "I am not feeling very relaxed" in a flat way, this means I have tons of adrenalin surging round my system and I am about to have a meltdown if the situation is not changed.

    I hope this helps, and of course I say again, every child and adult is different.

  • With regards to the calm down chat... any other ideas how I can get him to acknowledge his actions? I dont feel its appropriate to just ignore it if his behaviour has been violent? 

    Ideas greatfully appreciated!!

  • Wow thank you for your reply!

    is one meltdown every 2 weeks frequent then? Goodness we used to have them at least 3 times a week!! 

    DS is involved in Marshall arts, 1:1 swimming lessons, football practise and beavers (scouts) so its not due to energy build up (tho tiredneas may be factor in meltdowns.

    also ds is hypo sensitive so needs more stumulation not less usually (tho totally agree its a fine line in order to msure sure he doesn't go over stimulated)

    thank you SO much for your post x

  • Hello Mrs P,

    I am an adult with Aspergers, and I just thought I would write a couple of things which may or may not have any relevance to your son.

    Are you able to discern why your son is having meltdowns so often? Really think about every aspect of his life from the smallest to the largest in a completely logical way and see if there is a specific pattern. Noise (especially droning noises, even if they were seemingly very quiet), smells (I cannot stand ANY perfumed smells even very very mild ones), too much stimulation from certain types of TV and computer games were a big problem for me, as was lack of alone time to concentrate on my special interests.

    I know your son is young but does he have special interests, that are not loud? I love gaming but it is not relaxing but stimulating and can result in me not sleeping, likewise with music and TV programmes. I know not all people with an ASD are like this, but if I was to listen to music in the evening I would be awake a lot. If he doesn't have a special interest yet maybe try and introduce things like a musical instrument, books on specific subjects etc., even books on a TV program are better than constantly being bombarded by sound.

    You mentioned the "calm down" chat. Even when I was much older than your son, if anyone had had a "calm down" chat with me I would have used my avoidance techniques of either zoning out completely or concentrating on small details of things and talking about them, is this what your son was doing maybe? Even now when people talk too much about difficult things I do this, noticing the fluff on their jumpers or a small dot on the wall. All the time this is just a way of dealing with my actual feeling of 'I need to get away from this', it actually feels like my skin is crawling if I have to sit/stand and listen to explanations. I much prefer simple to the point statements, which must have internal logic, or I just picked them apart.

    When dealing with a child with autism/Aspergers I think the parent must try to really get inside the disorder and understand it from that perspective. This is hard, and of course every single child is different.

    Lastly, I had LOTS of energy. I needed a way to harness this. I hated school sport but soon found swimming (as long as the pool was not chaotic), and ballet, because if you get a good teacher who takes a proper class, you can repeat the class at home and get over the co-ordination problems which many children with autism have. Repitition can be a very big way to calm children with autism. I did barre work every day, and laps of the pool. Other people I have heard of jumping on a trampoline for hours, hitting a tennis ball, practising football skills.

    I hope this may be of some small help with your son.

  • Sometimes rather than often is more an accurate term.

    have worked in mental health for 8 years so am reasonably proficient with medications. (Tho not when it comes to my son!)

  • Actually, anti-anxiety medication often is a form of mild sedative.

  • No worries :) can understand the confusion x

  • hi Mrs P - sorry for my presumption - sometimes "medication" is used when meaning sedation.  I hope you get some help soon so that things can settle down.  bw

  • There is ridiculously little in my area unfortunantly :( I had to travel out of area just to go to the ASD course!! :( pants!

    Crystal I'm not talking about a sedative, I'm thinking more anti anxiety or something that will help him manage his anxieties better? No desire to sedate him lol
  • There is ridiculously little in my area unfortunantly :( I had to travel out of area just to go to the ASD course!! :( pants!

  • hi MrsP - I could put myself in your position and how you felt when your son started talking about the toy.  Lack of empathy doesn't do it justice, does it?  My son hasn't hurt me, but has hurt himself on occasions when totally stressed out.   I would say this though.....My son doesn't have empathy but he now understands that other people feel pain.  He doesn't want to be the cause of that pain.  As he grew up he understood more, so there's time for your son.  In the end, he can't help his lack of empathy but hopefully he can learn.  Others will be more helpful than me regarding medication as my son's never had sedatives.  I know you know that advice always is to suss out the triggers, deal with them + then the situation should at least ease.  It does sound like you're getting somewhere with that as his meltdowns are less frequent.  But, as you say, you had a biggie last night.  Teamed with the comments about the toy, this must have been really horrible.   There may be info on this site about meds.  I don't know if his age would be a barrier.  I've seen a few adults who've been on heavy sedation.  I do wonder how much of that is to do with them not a quality care provider +/or being in the right environment. There used to be a phrase a number of yrs ago for heavy sedation : "the chemical cosh".  It got used a lot in relation to the elderly in care homes whose behaviour proved difficult for the staff.   However, I'm also aware that I'm only seeing a snapshot.  There may well be other adults or children who are helped by meds.  So they're my thoughts, for what they're worth.  I hope you're feeling a bit better today.  bw

  • Thanks for the reply! :) 

    ive got a 9yo daughter too who isn't on the spectrum and often complains that everything is all about her brother (which to be fair to her it often is!!)