Making peace with the past

I’m pretty amazed actually, when I look back over my life, at how I ever got by! Lol! There’s got to have been a lot of skills being utilised to get me through those days of being in the wilderness, which was often very dark. Some little light, that at times, was invisible, got me through though.

Same here.  Having to wait until 56 to begin to make sense of it, too - a time when many people would perhaps be beginning to think about their retirement.  With me, it was about life feeling like it was only just starting.  Considering events just prior to my diagnosis, I really am lucky to be alive still.

I love interacting, deeply and wholly, with people I meet,

I've rediscovered that feeling this week, which has been my first full week back at work.  I'm now working with a mixture of learning disabled and physically disabled.  As I said elsewhere, I still struggle with the 'before' and 'after' times of the day, when it's just me with the other  staff.  But when the clients arrive, it's like I can step into their world and out of the 'act'.  I become the natural me.  I lose anxiety.  People have commented about how much different I appear to be when with the clients.  Disinhibited.  Relaxed.  Extrovert, even!

Making peace with the past is a long process.  I can't change what's happened - things I've done, people I've hurt.  But I can change my attitude to life.  And I can go forwards with a bit more peace and understanding.

I'm glad you're out of the wilderness, and seeing the light and the beauty.  Sounds like a wonderful place to be. 

I wish you well going forwards, BlueRay.  Bringing light into the lives of others works its special magic.

Remember the old saying: Life can only be understood backwards.  But it has to be lived forwards.

Go forwards in joy and peace

Thank you Tom, I really appreciate that. 

It sounds like things are working out for you too. With the before and after work situation, would you prefer not to have a before and after work situation? For example, apart from staff meetings or handovers, is it necessary for you to have to mingle with the other staff? 

I could never work in a work environment again. I can only work for myself. However, if I did go to work, I would make sure of certain things. For example, I would insist that as part of my accommodations, I would not mix with the rest of the staff.

If people wanted to see that as me being weird or whatever, then so be it, but if that made my days, that little bit brighter, then that is what I would do. Gone are the days of trying to fit in, for less than zero reward. 

Listening to idle gossip or even knowing what people are up to, beyond the necessary for work purposes, will only drain you. We don’t need that kind of interaction and you will not be missing out on anything by avoiding it. Let the whole lot of them think you’re stuck up, weird or just darned awkward. It doesn’t matter so long as you are minimising unecessary stress and energy draining and that way, you are even better at your job and no doubt you will get on with people much better as well. I’m not talking about a dramatic segregation, but social interaction is one of our biggest drainers of energy. We need to be very choosy with whome we share that energy with. 

As for having a past where we did harm to others as well as ourselves. Well, that includes all of us. 

There’s an old Hawaiian prayer thing. You can look it up. It’s very interesting. But basically, whenever a past sin (for want of a better word) comes up, you simply say, 

I’m sorry, 

Please forgive me, 

Thank you, 

I love you

It’s called Ho’oponopono. Here’s the first article that came up on google but there’s information to be found out about it and I can tell you, it works. 

https://upliftconnect.com/hawaiian-practice-of-forgiveness/

I’m really glad you’re rediscovering that feeling of connection again. We all need some connection. That’s why I like to make mine deep, so I only have to have a few, but the few I have, are enough to sustain me :) 

With the before and after work situation, would you prefer not to have a before and after work situation? For example, apart from staff meetings or handovers, is it necessary for you to have to mingle with the other staff? 

I suppose when I say 'struggle', what I really mean is that's when I feel that I have to suspend the 'natural' me again and put on the act.  To be honest, though, because the working environment in this place is much better (it's properly managed and people seem to be treated with a great deal more respect), it doesn't feel such a challenge.  I actually get on quite well with a couple of the other staff members.  One of them opened up to me about having problems with depression and anxiety, and we had quite a conversation there about it and found a common bond.  Others, too, have their issues.  I think it's probably fair to say that most people put on some kind of act when they're in social situations.  Trying to project an image, etc.  Some of us struggle more than others, of course.  I've met many types in my years in care work.  I've met bullies, and people who do it because it gives them a power trip.  I've also met people who really shouldn't be doing the job at all - who have entirely the wrong attitude.  But on the whole - and especially where I'm working now - people are in it for the right reasons: because they care, because they want to give something back... and because it answers a need that they have deep inside.  Also, people are there because they know what it's like to be marginalised and vulnerable.  Being a charity, too, it isn't about big egos, profit chasing, etc.  So generally speaking, these are good people to work with.  It's just that I feel out of my element with them quite often - which has always been the case for me.  I always try to be friendly - it is a natural part of my demeanour - without actually wanting to make friends with anyone particularly.  So I can pass the time of day, even if it does feel a little put-on most of the time.  But it's not the same as when I'm with the clients.  Then I can really be myself.  I can act the fool, do something to raise a smile or a laugh, generally goof off.... bring out the child that's never left me.  At almost 60, I still have a very child-like approach to many things.  I was once told by a girlfriend that I would have made a great father, because I can get right into that world.  I'll never know now.  But my work enables that side of me to come out and shine.  The world of my colleagues seems too 'adult' by comparison!  I often think about people like Spike Milligan and Peter Sellers, with both of whom I feel some identification: grown men who were essentially childlike in their ways, and at their most natural when they could bring that element out of themselves.  Sellers in particular, I've read, was never entirely 'happy' as just being himself.  It was only when he was in character that he could, ironically, be 'real'.

I could never work in a work environment again. I can only work for myself. However, if I did go to work, I would make sure of certain things. For example, I would insist that as part of my accommodations, I would not mix with the rest of the staff.

Well, if you can manage to make a living working for yourself, and it means that you don't have to mix with people in that way, then that's good.  I think it might be a problem if you went into a work situation making that stipulation, because there aren't many workplaces where you don't have to mix with other staff.  What I tend to do is go in every morning, make myself a mug of tea, then sit in a way that's both a part of the other staff group, but separate at the same time.  In that way, I can include myself if I want to, and can be included if other people want to speak to me, but otherwise I can do my own thing.

Fundamentally, I suppose - perhaps it's partly the writer in me - I'm fascinated by people.  I like observing them.  Again, this is something I've always had to do anyway, to try to find out what it is that they do that I can't seem to do myself. 

Also - and in spite of the bullying, abuse, confidence-tricking, back-stabbing and leg-pulling I've endured at the hands of others throughout my life - I like people.  I remember saying to my therapist years ago that my life could have set me up to be one of two people: I could either have become a murderous, vengeful psychopath... or I could have gone the other way entirely and chosen to try to forgive, and to help others if I could.  Forgiveness is a hard one.  I can forgive.  But that doesn't mean I can forget, too.  Sometimes, I think, forgiveness is simply about moving on.  I can forgive my sister-in-law for the damage she's done.  I can also forgive the bully in my last job, who made my life hell.  I can do that because I know that they are themselves damaged people in some way.  I can forgive - but I have to move on, too.  Away from these people.  Move on with life.  And seek to help where I can, rather than seek to harm or get my own back in some way.

With the before and after work situation, would you prefer not to have a before and after work situation? For example, apart from staff meetings or handovers, is it necessary for you to have to mingle with the other staff? 

I suppose when I say 'struggle', what I really mean is that's when I feel that I have to suspend the 'natural' me again and put on the act.  To be honest, though, because the working environment in this place is much better (it's properly managed and people seem to be treated with a great deal more respect), it doesn't feel such a challenge.  I actually get on quite well with a couple of the other staff members.  One of them opened up to me about having problems with depression and anxiety, and we had quite a conversation there about it and found a common bond.  Others, too, have their issues.  I think it's probably fair to say that most people put on some kind of act when they're in social situations.  Trying to project an image, etc.  Some of us struggle more than others, of course.  I've met many types in my years in care work.  I've met bullies, and people who do it because it gives them a power trip.  I've also met people who really shouldn't be doing the job at all - who have entirely the wrong attitude.  But on the whole - and especially where I'm working now - people are in it for the right reasons: because they care, because they want to give something back... and because it answers a need that they have deep inside.  Also, people are there because they know what it's like to be marginalised and vulnerable.  Being a charity, too, it isn't about big egos, profit chasing, etc.  So generally speaking, these are good people to work with.  It's just that I feel out of my element with them quite often - which has always been the case for me.  I always try to be friendly - it is a natural part of my demeanour - without actually wanting to make friends with anyone particularly.  So I can pass the time of day, even if it does feel a little put-on most of the time.  But it's not the same as when I'm with the clients.  Then I can really be myself.  I can act the fool, do something to raise a smile or a laugh, generally goof off.... bring out the child that's never left me.  At almost 60, I still have a very child-like approach to many things.  I was once told by a girlfriend that I would have made a great father, because I can get right into that world.  I'll never know now.  But my work enables that side of me to come out and shine.  The world of my colleagues seems too 'adult' by comparison!  I often think about people like Spike Milligan and Peter Sellers, with both of whom I feel some identification: grown men who were essentially childlike in their ways, and at their most natural when they could bring that element out of themselves.  Sellers in particular, I've read, was never entirely 'happy' as just being himself.  It was only when he was in character that he could, ironically, be 'real'.

I could never work in a work environment again. I can only work for myself. However, if I did go to work, I would make sure of certain things. For example, I would insist that as part of my accommodations, I would not mix with the rest of the staff.

Well, if you can manage to make a living working for yourself, and it means that you don't have to mix with people in that way, then that's good.  I think it might be a problem if you went into a work situation making that stipulation, because there aren't many workplaces where you don't have to mix with other staff.  What I tend to do is go in every morning, make myself a mug of tea, then sit in a way that's both a part of the other staff group, but separate at the same time.  In that way, I can include myself if I want to, and can be included if other people want to speak to me, but otherwise I can do my own thing.

Fundamentally, I suppose - perhaps it's partly the writer in me - I'm fascinated by people.  I like observing them.  Again, this is something I've always had to do anyway, to try to find out what it is that they do that I can't seem to do myself. 

Also - and in spite of the bullying, abuse, confidence-tricking, back-stabbing and leg-pulling I've endured at the hands of others throughout my life - I like people.  I remember saying to my therapist years ago that my life could have set me up to be one of two people: I could either have become a murderous, vengeful psychopath... or I could have gone the other way entirely and chosen to try to forgive, and to help others if I could.  Forgiveness is a hard one.  I can forgive.  But that doesn't mean I can forget, too.  Sometimes, I think, forgiveness is simply about moving on.  I can forgive my sister-in-law for the damage she's done.  I can also forgive the bully in my last job, who made my life hell.  I can do that because I know that they are themselves damaged people in some way.  I can forgive - but I have to move on, too.  Away from these people.  Move on with life.  And seek to help where I can, rather than seek to harm or get my own back in some way.