Making peace with the past

Hehe yeah, I think it’s time we showed them how life is really meant to be lived! :) 

And Yes, you did this yourself. I know exactly what you mean about developing bad habits, but we did the best we could at the time and now we’re doing even better and it’s not easy to turn round bad habits etc, but it’s easier than living with those bad habits and the isolation etc. And this way, at least we’re working towards a better future, even if it feels like the slow train sometimes, it’s better than being in the sea of confusion. And yes, I can see why that piece of Lino means so much :) 

Ditto and I’m so glad you did wake up that afternoon on your kitchen floor

Thank you Blue! I still look at that patch where I woke up, and just think "this is where it all started getting better". Funny how a patch of lino in my own house is something profund now! I want new lino, but well, it's a strangely comforting thing to look at!

️I think we’re all blinking marvellous to come through what we’ve  come through and to me, the most important thing is that we’ve come through it with not only our hearts and minds in tact, but the mind is clearer than ever and the heart is more loving, kinder and more compassionate than ever before. It’s probably not that we’re kinder, but that we have broken through the glass barrier that kept us separate from everyone, including ourselves. 

I think anyone who can work something without "the instructions", deserves credit. I was lucky to be diagnosed at 38, there are people here who had to wait even longer!

I think now we are getting to know more about ourselves with this knowledge, it really can be transformative.

I watched a documentary on broadmoor the other day and one of the guys they were filming was autistic. They’ve really helped this guy and his attitude towards it all, made me think, only an autistic person could have that outlook. There is something very special that happens in the mind of an autistic person.  I can’t describe it. I feel like I want to say we’re special, but we’re not, we’re no more special than anybody else, but there is definitely something very unique about our make up, the way we’re wired, that enables us to have a very unique outlook on life, which is definitely very special. 

I think you say, the wiring can be a force to be reckoned with! I had so many things that became a habit, or a routine, some were quite negative, it's been a challenge to change them, but when you put that energy into a new place, with the knowledge you gain, things can be so different. It's great exploring where I can move my focus, and energy.

I was with a friend on Saturday, and we saw a guy from the good old bad old days. My friend was a DA for most of his adult life, but he started getting clean in the same time as I began to confront my demons. We've helped each other along at times, and he's came along in leaps and bounds. The guy said "You got this f****r on the straight and narrow now?". It really irked me. He was on Heroin, but I was a drunken, benzodiazepine addicted functioning closet addict, in denial of the real issue that was troubling me, so I wasn't on any good path myself. It was the sheer condescention that got me. I said "No, this f****r did it himself, all of it", and walked off. It was like the guy resented him for it. My friend was happy to see him, and he just scowled and came out with something like that. He'd never done anything to him either, nor anyone else. He was a stand up guy even as an addict. Just seeing him happy seemed to trigger a pretty nasty reaction.

He got his "instruction manual" read it, and it got the guy mad. I know it's a different "life changing event", but I can see how these things change people, and it's beautiful to watch. That reaction really shocked me though.

It’s our time to shine in the world and to show people how life is really done

Here's to that!

Do you ever plan out what your going to say like a script but for every possible answer to a simple question you’re asking, the anxiety around rejection affects me majorly.

Even a question like can you turn the music off will take me  a few minutes to conjure up the question.

I’m very conscious of what people think of me even though their thoughts and opinions wouldn’t affect my actions. I don’t know why I do this, this is the kind of stuff that impacts me daily.

Great, you have true friends/support in work, like myself.  I have a network too who have known me professionally and personally for 18 years and they can see how bad it looks for the employer and believe me (some never actually realised I had Autistic traits because they have only the TV/film experience).

That’s so true,

Autistic people can be the most emotionaly valnurable people as we have to deal with way more rejection and self hatered than others. But as we fight the continued pain of live we develop minds of steel and become some of the strongest people there are.

The pain and suffering pays of in the long run, that’s why you can’t end life in the tough times which I was lucky not to do but now I’m in that transition of self acceptance. I will still fight more pain in life and face huge challenges but hopefully now I’ve been tested I can deal with it better. 

Its like when you smelt metal, every time you do it the metal gets stronger.

Thanks, I know, we're both on a journey and its just a case of dealing with the obstacles as they present. A colleague came to see me today and that also helped, shes been with me throughout and just thinks the whole thing stinks. Its true though, 'what doeesn't kill you makes you stronger isnt it.

Hi Ray.

I,m loving this revelation thingy. I was diagnosed 2 months ago at 48. I now find what the hell moments everyday.

With the before and after work situation, would you prefer not to have a before and after work situation? For example, apart from staff meetings or handovers, is it necessary for you to have to mingle with the other staff? 

I suppose when I say 'struggle', what I really mean is that's when I feel that I have to suspend the 'natural' me again and put on the act.  To be honest, though, because the working environment in this place is much better (it's properly managed and people seem to be treated with a great deal more respect), it doesn't feel such a challenge.  I actually get on quite well with a couple of the other staff members.  One of them opened up to me about having problems with depression and anxiety, and we had quite a conversation there about it and found a common bond.  Others, too, have their issues.  I think it's probably fair to say that most people put on some kind of act when they're in social situations.  Trying to project an image, etc.  Some of us struggle more than others, of course.  I've met many types in my years in care work.  I've met bullies, and people who do it because it gives them a power trip.  I've also met people who really shouldn't be doing the job at all - who have entirely the wrong attitude.  But on the whole - and especially where I'm working now - people are in it for the right reasons: because they care, because they want to give something back... and because it answers a need that they have deep inside.  Also, people are there because they know what it's like to be marginalised and vulnerable.  Being a charity, too, it isn't about big egos, profit chasing, etc.  So generally speaking, these are good people to work with.  It's just that I feel out of my element with them quite often - which has always been the case for me.  I always try to be friendly - it is a natural part of my demeanour - without actually wanting to make friends with anyone particularly.  So I can pass the time of day, even if it does feel a little put-on most of the time.  But it's not the same as when I'm with the clients.  Then I can really be myself.  I can act the fool, do something to raise a smile or a laugh, generally goof off.... bring out the child that's never left me.  At almost 60, I still have a very child-like approach to many things.  I was once told by a girlfriend that I would have made a great father, because I can get right into that world.  I'll never know now.  But my work enables that side of me to come out and shine.  The world of my colleagues seems too 'adult' by comparison!  I often think about people like Spike Milligan and Peter Sellers, with both of whom I feel some identification: grown men who were essentially childlike in their ways, and at their most natural when they could bring that element out of themselves.  Sellers in particular, I've read, was never entirely 'happy' as just being himself.  It was only when he was in character that he could, ironically, be 'real'.

I could never work in a work environment again. I can only work for myself. However, if I did go to work, I would make sure of certain things. For example, I would insist that as part of my accommodations, I would not mix with the rest of the staff.

Well, if you can manage to make a living working for yourself, and it means that you don't have to mix with people in that way, then that's good.  I think it might be a problem if you went into a work situation making that stipulation, because there aren't many workplaces where you don't have to mix with other staff.  What I tend to do is go in every morning, make myself a mug of tea, then sit in a way that's both a part of the other staff group, but separate at the same time.  In that way, I can include myself if I want to, and can be included if other people want to speak to me, but otherwise I can do my own thing.

Fundamentally, I suppose - perhaps it's partly the writer in me - I'm fascinated by people.  I like observing them.  Again, this is something I've always had to do anyway, to try to find out what it is that they do that I can't seem to do myself. 

Also - and in spite of the bullying, abuse, confidence-tricking, back-stabbing and leg-pulling I've endured at the hands of others throughout my life - I like people.  I remember saying to my therapist years ago that my life could have set me up to be one of two people: I could either have become a murderous, vengeful psychopath... or I could have gone the other way entirely and chosen to try to forgive, and to help others if I could.  Forgiveness is a hard one.  I can forgive.  But that doesn't mean I can forget, too.  Sometimes, I think, forgiveness is simply about moving on.  I can forgive my sister-in-law for the damage she's done.  I can also forgive the bully in my last job, who made my life hell.  I can do that because I know that they are themselves damaged people in some way.  I can forgive - but I have to move on, too.  Away from these people.  Move on with life.  And seek to help where I can, rather than seek to harm or get my own back in some way.

Bookworm,

They are not worth it, we are stronger than that as proved by the pitfalls we have survived through out life.  I have so much baggage from my past where I could have gone off the rails, etc but like you our, dare I say, moral compass makes us strong.

I see both of us at that crossroads and wherever we turn now we know the wrong turn and have two options that are our future roads/paths to happiness (one with work and one with ourselves).  These future roads/paths may start out as a single road/path with a fork but we will know when we get there.

Thank you Tom, I really appreciate that. 

It sounds like things are working out for you too. With the before and after work situation, would you prefer not to have a before and after work situation? For example, apart from staff meetings or handovers, is it necessary for you to have to mingle with the other staff? 

I could never work in a work environment again. I can only work for myself. However, if I did go to work, I would make sure of certain things. For example, I would insist that as part of my accommodations, I would not mix with the rest of the staff.

If people wanted to see that as me being weird or whatever, then so be it, but if that made my days, that little bit brighter, then that is what I would do. Gone are the days of trying to fit in, for less than zero reward. 

Listening to idle gossip or even knowing what people are up to, beyond the necessary for work purposes, will only drain you. We don’t need that kind of interaction and you will not be missing out on anything by avoiding it. Let the whole lot of them think you’re stuck up, weird or just darned awkward. It doesn’t matter so long as you are minimising unecessary stress and energy draining and that way, you are even better at your job and no doubt you will get on with people much better as well. I’m not talking about a dramatic segregation, but social interaction is one of our biggest drainers of energy. We need to be very choosy with whome we share that energy with. 

As for having a past where we did harm to others as well as ourselves. Well, that includes all of us. 

There’s an old Hawaiian prayer thing. You can look it up. It’s very interesting. But basically, whenever a past sin (for want of a better word) comes up, you simply say, 

I’m sorry, 

Please forgive me, 

Thank you, 

I love you

It’s called Ho’oponopono. Here’s the first article that came up on google but there’s information to be found out about it and I can tell you, it works. 

https://upliftconnect.com/hawaiian-practice-of-forgiveness/

I’m really glad you’re rediscovering that feeling of connection again. We all need some connection. That’s why I like to make mine deep, so I only have to have a few, but the few I have, are enough to sustain me :) 

Thanks Lone. That’s really helpful. I’m going to start listening to music more often to release emotions, because it’s not that I hold back, I just don’t know I’m having them. But I know I am, and I know I need to release them. What you said has really helped. Thank you  

BlueRay said

”

“Does listening to music like that, help you release emotions so that they don’t get trapped in you? I haven’t listened to stuff quite like that for a long time, and I’m wondering now if it’s a good strategy to help release emotions? 

I know I have emotions, because my behaviour last week, showed me that. I’m wondering if listening to music like this sometimes will help me release emotions? 

How often would you listen though? Could it be when you start spotting signs that you’re having an emotion, such as, in my case, I want to fight? “.

I am replying to you BlueRay as you asked the question about listening to music to feel emotions. 

As will says I listen sometimes to allow my emotions to flood out, I hold emotions back often, sometimes I just need to let them all out. I go through all sorts of different music and sings on you tube, I do cry and sometimes my whole body shakes as a tune moves me so much.

 So in answer to you I need music very much in my life, it stirs me, allows me to feel emotions sharper. 

Some lift my spirits, others show me beauty in just a simple voice, I see humanity in a voice, not judge it by ability just real emotional connection .

take care BlueRay and will young.

I personally listen everyday as emotion can build up in me very quickly without me knowing what it is. So I’ll play a few songs and when I go back to the feeling of neutrality I’ll know by the song that sent me to PH7 (neutrality) what emotion I was feeling.

Also does my profile look ok or have I over or under done it?

What was the most impactful song on you, all give me a different type of buzz. 

I love all the songs for different reasons but they are all connected in the way they help me live my life.

I recently had a massive clear out, I re arranged my DVD in order of franchise and production company. I cleared out my clothes too, I had loads of jeans when I can’t wear them, they are way to restrictive on leg movement. I mainly wear tracksuit bottoms or sport shorts as I can freely move.

I went out for the first time in ages today, I went to the cinema and McDonald’s with my friend Jacob and semi friend will. We had a great laugh and it felt good to go out. 

My muscles are going to kill on Monday as I have 2 games of football tomorrow!!!

I've been thinking some more about this, I say I don't want to look too far back but when I think about it its my past thats made me stronger, the saying 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' is really beginning to ring true for me now 10 months ago I didn't think id still be here with the disciplinary and everything that's happend, knowing I could lose my job my home my career... there were times when I really seriously contemplated suicide, bought a rope stole some of my mums diuretic medication,  it frightened me I'm still on shaky ground at times now but I do feel I am so much stronger than I ever thought I could be, hopefully some day i'll be as positive as you.

This is brilliant Will, thank you. I’m going to save them all under the emotion and start using them. Thank you so much. 

Yes, I’m the same with exercise and sport. I’ve just cleared all my clothes out. It feels so good. I had a goal that by the end of this year, I would have decluttered completely and I would be fully raw (food). I know this sounds weird, but I only recently came out of Christmas mode and only last week decided to really get going with getting my house cleared etc so I can get back to exercise, as it’s like the anchor which everything else fits round ~ and already, I’m fully raw and in the next two weeks, I will have cleared my whole house out, in brutal fashion! Then I can get back to daily exercise and fresh air and really get my routine up and running.

I said a spiritual affirmation for all this last week, as part of my course homework, and already it’s happening! 

If you need any other recommendations on songs for emotions I’m here.

Mansion is a good song for all emotions when I’m having a meltdown or overwhelmed.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uF5QE3-ox4o

1. I play football 2 times a week and I put my all into it both emotionally and physically, I cannot do anymore socialising after or I’ll burnout so I listen to music for hours. Even though the day after my muscles kill and wherever if taken a knock may bruise it’s the best way to let out the fire. It also benefits me physically as I now have some massive calf muscles, they don’t match the biceps.

when I used to have a fight I would always win, not because I was amazingly stronger than them but because I would never give up. With my high pain threshold I could be continuously hit or kicked then get up and one punched them and they would hit the deck. 

Those two channels helped me massively accept who I am as I thought that I would never find someone like me, Runaway germ showed me that both ASD in girls and boys is very similar and also showed me that there were actually many autistic females in the world. I always knew but I didn’t know that girls my age felt like that.