Published on 12, July, 2020
Looking back
I’m not one for looking back on my life. To be honest, I never learned the knack of it, nor did I understand the point of looking back. I didn’t really get it.
But looking back, is something I seem to suddenly be able to do now, and it’s helping me. It has taken a lot of encouragement and support as well as guidance, from my work coach at the job centre and all my support workers and my psychiatrist, and lots of practice and at times, blind faith.
But it paid off, because now, when I think, it’s all too much, I’m not where I want to be and it seems too far away, I simply remind myself, I have just experienced a major, major burnout, and I’ve had two years just laying on my back. So my 5 minutes of physical exercise each day, whatever it is, is blinking marvellous, and over time, I’ll get back to not only running 7 miles in a morning, but many more and all the other stuff and more as well.
There is so much from my past that I can bring forward. I don’t have to leave it all behind and one of the things I’m bringing with me, is the knowledge that I can do this. I’ve done it before. And this time. Whatever I do, it’s built on a solid foundation. The clear knowledge of who I am. So it will remain. Whatever I build, will carry whatever comes it’s way.
So, it seems I can look back and make use of the past. I was all for leaving it all behind but my support workers helped me to keep some of it. And I know why, now. Some of the past is useful. I can let go of all that is no longer useful. I can let it all go with love, knowing, it has fulfilled its purpose. And make way for the new. But bring with me, my strengths and the skills I learned. I can put them to better use and integrate them with my new self awareness, to create a more peaceful and stable, yet no less exciting life.
I’m pretty amazed actually, when I look back over my life, at how I ever got by! Lol! There’s got to have been a lot of skills being utilised to get me through those days of being in the wilderness, which was often very dark. Some little light, that at times, was invisible, got me through though. And now I’m out of the wilderness, I can see for myself. And despite appearances, all I see is love.
I don’t have much tolerance for being around people. I always end up telling them what to do. They’re like teddies, to me! They need lining up and telling what to do, if they’re going to be any use at all ~ in my little world
But I love interacting, deeply and wholly, with people I meet, when I’m out and about. I can just blurt out whatever’s on my mind or in my heart and often it leads to some wonderful moments and lots and lots of learning and expanding of my heart and mind. Some times, there’s an undeniable perfect flow of love. It’s like a mutual exchange of love, that makes you think, this is what love feels like. And you, and the other person or persons, walk away, with an undeniable feeling of immense joy and we don’t know quite why. It’s a beautiful experience.
My life might not look ordinary, because it’s not. It’s extra ordinary. That’s what happens when you live from the heart and not the mind. Even the simple act of washing some dishes, can be a truly wonderful experience, when you’re present with it, in the moment, in the heart and not in the mind. The way the hands work together and the way they move, so gracefully, is truly mesmerising. You don’t need thoughts or ballets! Watching your hands at work is like watching a ballet. It’s like poetry in motion ️
I think I’m maybe doing what they call, ‘making peace with the past’? I’ve never really understood all these little sayings people seem to say sometimes. But I think I’m actually doing that now. I think I’m making peace with the past. It feels like the next phase of acceptance and integration of the diagnosis and the new self awareness that I’ve gained, that I’m now experiencing.
Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water, is another one of those sayings, that I think I understand now. I can let go of all that wasn’t or is no longer helpful, from my past, but there’s lots of good stuff that I can keep and use.
It’s a nice feeling. Making peace with the past. Who knew?!?! Lol!
I’m pretty amazed actually, when I look back over my life, at how I ever got by! Lol! There’s got to have been a lot of skills being utilised to get me through those days of being in the wilderness, which was often very dark. Some little light, that at times, was invisible, got me through though.
Same here. Having to wait until 56 to begin to make sense of it, too - a time when many people would perhaps be beginning to think about their retirement. With me, it was about life feeling like it was only just starting. Considering events just prior to my diagnosis, I really am lucky to be alive still.
I love interacting, deeply and wholly, with people I meet,
I've rediscovered that feeling this week, which has been my first full week back at work. I'm now working with a mixture of learning disabled and physically disabled. As I said elsewhere, I still struggle with the 'before' and 'after' times of the day, when it's just me with the other staff. But when the clients arrive, it's like I can step into their world and out of the 'act'. I become the natural me. I lose anxiety. People have commented about how much different I appear to be when with the clients. Disinhibited. Relaxed. Extrovert, even!
Making peace with the past is a long process. I can't change what's happened - things I've done, people I've hurt. But I can change my attitude to life. And I can go forwards with a bit more peace and understanding.
I'm glad you're out of the wilderness, and seeing the light and the beauty. Sounds like a wonderful place to be.
I wish you well going forwards, BlueRay. Bringing light into the lives of others works its special magic.
Remember the old saying: Life can only be understood backwards. But it has to be lived forwards.
Go forwards in joy and peace
Thank you Tom, I really appreciate that.
It sounds like things are working out for you too. With the before and after work situation, would you prefer not to have a before and after work situation? For example, apart from staff meetings or handovers, is it necessary for you to have to mingle with the other staff?
I could never work in a work environment again. I can only work for myself. However, if I did go to work, I would make sure of certain things. For example, I would insist that as part of my accommodations, I would not mix with the rest of the staff.
If people wanted to see that as me being weird or whatever, then so be it, but if that made my days, that little bit brighter, then that is what I would do. Gone are the days of trying to fit in, for less than zero reward.
Listening to idle gossip or even knowing what people are up to, beyond the necessary for work purposes, will only drain you. We don’t need that kind of interaction and you will not be missing out on anything by avoiding it. Let the whole lot of them think you’re stuck up, weird or just darned awkward. It doesn’t matter so long as you are minimising unecessary stress and energy draining and that way, you are even better at your job and no doubt you will get on with people much better as well. I’m not talking about a dramatic segregation, but social interaction is one of our biggest drainers of energy. We need to be very choosy with whome we share that energy with.
As for having a past where we did harm to others as well as ourselves. Well, that includes all of us.
There’s an old Hawaiian prayer thing. You can look it up. It’s very interesting. But basically, whenever a past sin (for want of a better word) comes up, you simply say,
I’m sorry,
Please forgive me,
Thank you,
I love you
It’s called Ho’oponopono. Here’s the first article that came up on google but there’s information to be found out about it and I can tell you, it works.
https://upliftconnect.com/hawaiian-practice-of-forgiveness/
I’m really glad you’re rediscovering that feeling of connection again. We all need some connection. That’s why I like to make mine deep, so I only have to have a few, but the few I have, are enough to sustain me :)