Finding it very stressful trying to convince my adult son, that there are "Nice/Good" people in this world. He is 37 has online friends, but no "Real" friends as he calls them. He has joined a couple of Meet up groups and not had good experiences, so chose not to go back. He is going stir crazy just being stuck home 24/7 365 days a year, only time he goes out is with me. He even admits it's not healthy for either of us for him to spend all his time with mum.
The only things he has to do is listening to his music, read his magazines he subscripts too, talk to his online friends. He said he wants friends to meet up with, do stuff friends do. He would love a girlfriend, in the future a wife, children but the women he meets all say he is too nice. How can you be too nice ? As a woman I would rather met a man who treats me right, than treats me wrongly He often says mum I wish I had your confidence because I'd be a hit with people.
He has joined dating sites which have been a failure, all they do is take your money. As mum my heart is breaking because I really don't know what I can do to help him.
Hi there, I’m really sorry to hear that your son is having a hard time of it. Do you mind me asking when he was diagnosed and if he’s had any early intervention treatment? I was diagnosed at the end of last year at the age of 37, I’m now 38. Prior to realising that I had ASD I had few friends, maybe 2 or 3 people that I would see a few times a year, I’d spend my spare time just sitting around obsessing/ruminating. BUT last year I bought ‘improve your social skills’ by Daniel Wendler. This book is literally one of my new obsessions, it’s Amazing! It’s basically a step by step handbook of how to do social skills, it covers everything from conversations, eye contact, empathy, making friends, body language, dating etc. The guy who wrote it has Aspergers himself and was diagnosed as a teenager, he then spent years studying social skills extensively and now coaches other on social skills. I started reading his book last summer and although I’m only a few chapters in, my social life has improved so much, I get feedback that I’m having good ‘chats’ with people rather than people getting annoyed with me and avoiding me. I have a lot more friends and have social arrangements 3/4 days a week. This Christmas holidays just gone has been the first one ever that’s just whizzed by in a blur of social engagements. My self esteem and confidence have improved massively too as has my mental health. Don’t get me wrong, it is exhausting, after social engagements I do need to make sure I’m able to have downtime for 2/3 hours BUT the benefits far outweigh the cost. This is the book I wish I’d had 30 years ago. Some people say learning social skills is just masking but to me it’s like I didn’t speak the same language as everyone else and that stopped me being able to make friends whereas now I have this book that’s enabling me to learn the language and make friends.
Anyway, the point of my waffling on is that I wondered if your son might benefit from this book? If he’s reached a dead end and nothing else seems to work then it might be worth a go?
Maybe one option would be for him to meet with a group of people who share one of his special interests, whatever they might be. Then it would hopefully be easier for him to join in conversations and share information, which could lead to friendships in the "real" world. Are there any such groups in your area? (Sorry if I'm stating the obvious and you've already tried it.) It could even lead to romance, I initially bonded with the man who became my husband over shared interests in walking and nature.
Hi thanks for your reply, really great to hear your doing great. My son was diagnosed at 27 services in our area, are rubbish to be honest.
Thanks for your reply, he does have an interest in trains but that's mostly males. He used to love walking but was diagnosed with MS a few years, so as you can imagine he feels crap and waiting for number 3
I'd persevere with the Meetup groups - I bounced around a few of them until I found the ones I fit better with. Some can be a bit of a clique and breaking in to the group can be hard. It would be good to practice social skills with strangers in these events with no commitment to them.
Thank you good to hear you have experienced what my son has. I will persevere with trying to get him to try more meet up groups. There are a number of groups waiting for someone to start them. I even said I would help him run that side of it, anything to help my son. He can be a little stubborn, but then so can mum, no matter how long it takes I will convince him there are friends and a woman out there for him.
The groups waiting to start don't exist - it's Meetup drumming up business.
You can start your own group - but you need to be vigilant with weeding out the membership as it bumps up the costs if you've got hundreds of non-active members that just joined to be nosey.
Why not start a local special interest meetup for trains or model railways or even autistic people - at least you know what you'll be dealing with - but don't be disheartened if no-one joins immediately - it takes time for people to find the groups.
Oh right thanks for telling me that Will have a chat with my son see if I can get him to give it a go thanks for your advice
The easist meetups are organising things like a pub evening or coffee meet - they work even if only 2 or 3 others turn up and there's no extra costs involved for the attendees or yourself other than a coffee or a pint. People like 'cheap' for a first meet.
Some people lock-down their group so no-one can see future or previous meetups as though it's some kind of secret organistation. I suggest leaving everything visible so people can see the group's activity to see if it's something they want to join.
Great thank you