Feeling So Low

thank you i appreciate that and to everyone else thank you for your kindness your care and your counsel it's helped being able to talk

my dad always used to say you don't know a man till you've walked a mile in his shoes i always thought the professionals knew best but you're right only someone who suffers knows the true extent

thank you for all your wise advice trog

That's very kind of you to say, thankyou. If I do know more, then it's because I've had some good therapy, and, mostly, because I've been hanging around on forums like this one ever since my diagnosis (about 4 years now.) The professionals concentrate on the autistic behaviour that you can see from outside too much, and usually only the things that are useful for diagnosis or practical support. Only people who've lived the experience really know just how far and wide the effects go, and what it feels like from the inside. I'm very thankful for the many generous people here and elsewhere who've taught me what I know; I'd still be just as confused as on my diagnosis day if it weren't for them.

A lot of autistic behaviours can sometimes look like other, more common, things; so professionals who are more used to dealing with those things can make the wrong assumptions (I was told I only had depression and GAD for nearly 30 years, by more professionals than I care to count.) It's not so much that your social worker is a bad one, just that he's unlikely to understand autism deeply enough. The mark of a good worker is that they'll take your opinions into account when making a plan; it should be you who decides what problems are the highest priority. It's OK for him to help you with that decision, but not to ignore your wishes.

I’m sorry to hear this Giddy. I can’t imagine how tough things are for you but by getting through each day, your showing great courage and determination. Hope you manage to get some sleep and rest soon.

honestly i don't know,  i just do it because i haven't been able to put it behind me i don't know what else to do

-breathe-

the scars are there, you’ve mapped your pain through scarred skin ridges.. so why still now? 

i guess im just marking my pain it's kind of my memory map i see my older scars as my dealing with the guilt and shame

i know i shouldn't blame myself but i do i can't escape that guilt

yeah its not been the easiest of life but i have a son and my ex made me promise that i would never end my life because of how it would affect him so i keep moving hard as it is

and apologies i should've put a comma after the things i did, I see myself as vile

it read wrong sorry

the fact you state that you “did” past tense see yourself as vile etc is pertinent... like you’re trying to shake off that scare ... I hope you see yourself more positively now

wow i wish you were my care worker you've said more sense in 1 paragraph than he has in 2 years you sound like you have a great knowledge of mental heath that makes perfect sense

Giddy. You’ve dealt with a heck of a lot and you should be proud that you’ve kep yourself still together. Are you getting any professional help. None of this was your fault and extreme abuse. Don’t hate yourself as you were taken advantage of. Big time... are you trying to cut those experiences from your soul? 

hi ele when i was 7 till 13 i was sexually abused by an older cousin he also made me do things to his sister who was roughly the same age as me who he was also abusing there was things he made us do with his dog as well which was just horrific as you can imagine that really messed me up the guilt sometimes is just unbelievable even though i know i had no choice what made things worse is i had no one to turn too my mother could be explosively violent beatings with a leather belt or being strangled were frequent so i guess i punish myself for doing the things i did,.... i see myself as vile repugnant dirty and its the only way i know how to cope sometimes i get to the point of suicide ive had 2 failed attempts and hospitalized 3 times but im still here so far

Then your social worker should reconsider that plan. If you are self-harming, then dealing with your anxieties and childhood traumas should not be conditional on taking other therapies; you need help with those regardless of what other interventions might be useful.

It sounds like your social worker might have a common misconception. Our sensory and social difficulties are neurological; if being around other people more was all we needed, most of us wouldn't have these problems in the first place. They can't be treated as a purely psychological thing like a phobia, that will just go away through exposure therapy.  No matter how much practice we get or what we are taught, these skills will never be an instinct or intuition like they are for other people; they'll always take more effort, and we will need to use anxiety management skills to deal with them for the rest of our lives. The counselling could help you with those anxiety management skills, and so it may be essential that the counselling comes first, otherwise group therapy might do no good because you're too stressed out to benefit from it.

Hi Giddy.,, what pain/hurt are you trying to exorcise? Or is it a pressure realise..,or steps to something more final? 

i see my care worker at home but he wants me to join social groups before he puts me forward for counselling

Hi I have seen mental health professionals an it's never been in a group. All one on one . 

Keep talking,,,you never know someone may have been through similar.

This community works as everyone has something to add, we all go through many difficult things in our lives,,, all different,,,so many factors to make us what we are,

 but we try and help if we can ,that’s what makes us special people,,,, 

a true community,,,a family of sorts,,,

Obviousely the suggestion of joining groups isn’t great,,, but do you have any “ special” interests or hobbies?

There are many groups that cater for so many things these days, wether it be macrame or upholstery .

at least that way the numbers may be low and everyone would be focused on the subject matter.

take care,

thank you ive really appreciated all the kind words and helpful advice i am trying to get counselling to deal with my childhood abuse which im sure is the cause of my self harm ive been doing it off and on since my teens and whenever my mental health breaks down i start cutting again but it's so dammed hard getting counselling it's been 2 years now and nothing my care worker keeps saying i will see what i can do but you need to engage in social activities and group and im doh i don't like socialising i hate being around other people its an assault on my senses but he just doesn't seem to understand even though he was the one who put me through for my asd as he said you really do seem to be autistic i just can't win

Hey Giddy,,,hang on in there mate,,,,

I haven’t any useful words for you other than there are plenty of people on here that wish you well, we may not all be able to say how much we care!

your here  and talking it through,,, that’s a big step right there, 

It is very sad that resources are so under staffed and funded, 

It seems it’s a stimulus thing,,, cutting equals a real sensation which in turn creates an internal feeling,,,of euphoria not numbness, 

It is a cycle that needs to change,,,easier said than done,,, to change it you first have to alter the reason behind doing it,,, 

I really feel for you,,I don’t know the answer but hope you eventually break the habit by finding something other than that.

• take care now.