Feeling So Low

I hardly slept last night after yesterdays horrible experience being told to stop stimming i ended up at hospital after self harming my arms are a mess of scars and fresh cuts but the doctor said they're superficial lacerations ( which according to google are descibed as paper cuts ) which i hardly think covers my cuts as i have very little sensation left now but also she made me feel like im failing at cutting properly and i now have the urge to cut deeper im just exhausted and empty inside, what's the point not sure why im writing on here nobody seems to take much notice of me anyway

Parents

. over 7 years ago

Hi Giddy.,, what pain/hurt are you trying to exorcise? Or is it a pressure realise..,or steps to something more final?
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Giddy over 7 years ago in reply to .

hi ele when i was 7 till 13 i was sexually abused by an older cousin he also made me do things to his sister who was roughly the same age as me who he was also abusing there was things he made us do with his dog as well which was just horrific as you can imagine that really messed me up the guilt sometimes is just unbelievable even though i know i had no choice what made things worse is i had no one to turn too my mother could be explosively violent beatings with a leather belt or being strangled were frequent so i guess i punish myself for doing the things i did,.... i see myself as vile repugnant dirty and its the only way i know how to cope sometimes i get to the point of suicide ive had 2 failed attempts and hospitalized 3 times but im still here so far
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. over 7 years ago in reply to Giddy

Giddy. You’ve dealt with a heck of a lot and you should be proud that you’ve kep yourself still together. Are you getting any professional help. None of this was your fault and extreme abuse. Don’t hate yourself as you were taken advantage of. Big time... are you trying to cut those experiences from your soul?
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Giddy over 7 years ago in reply to .

honestly i don't know, i just do it because i haven't been able to put it behind me i don't know what else to do
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. over 7 years ago in reply to Giddy

-breathe-

the scars are there, you’ve mapped your pain through scarred skin ridges.. so why still now?
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Giddy over 7 years ago in reply to .

i guess im just marking my pain it's kind of my memory map i see my older scars as my dealing with the guilt and shame
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Giddy over 7 years ago in reply to Giddy

i know i shouldn't blame myself but i do i can't escape that guilt
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Giddy over 7 years ago in reply to .

yeah its not been the easiest of life but i have a son and my ex made me promise that i would never end my life because of how it would affect him so i keep moving hard as it is

and apologies i should've put a comma after the things i did, I see myself as vile

it read wrong sorry
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Giddy over 7 years ago in reply to .

yeah its not been the easiest of life but i have a son and my ex made me promise that i would never end my life because of how it would affect him so i keep moving hard as it is

and apologies i should've put a comma after the things i did, I see myself as vile

it read wrong sorry
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Giddy over 7 years ago in reply to Giddy

i know i shouldn't blame myself but i do i can't escape that guilt
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