Published on 12, July, 2020
...all I want to do is go out and get a nice bottle or two of red wine.
Not to get bladdered. Not because my body is craving booze.
But just to get some relief from all the greed, selfishness, vanity, savagery, bigotry, trash and plain stupidity I can't help noticing all around me!
I don't need to make a list. It's everything from violence in Gaza and Derry, to desperate refugees being turned back out to sea by populist governments, to people leaving their crap everywhere, to pre-school kids of Generation Z with their heads stuck in their phones.
The human race is nuts. It's doomed.
I've found myself sleeping much more now. Over the weekend, I've napped at regular intervals. I've tried reading, but can't focus on it for long enough. Sleep gives me some reprieve. Death's second self.
I just want to escape.
"Accident black spot? These aren't accidents. People are throwing themselves into the road willingly to escape all this hideousness. Go ahead, darling! Throw yourself into the road!"
Withnail - 'Withnail and I'
(now I'll shut up and go hide again...)
This seems pertinent...
The dangers of white knuckle sobriety include:
* Such people are more at risk of relapse. There may come a day when there willpower is no longer enough to keep them away from alcohol. The lack of enjoyment they experience from recovery means that they have a lot less to lose by relapsing. * Those people who use just willpower to stay away from alcohol can be difficult to be around. They will tend to have a low tolerance for any type of irritation, and make life miserable for other people. Family and friends may be disappointed to find that they still suffer so much from the behavior of the individual even though there is no longer any alcohol involved. * People with white knuckle sobriety will find life away from alcohol a real challenge. Instead of enjoying the freedom of recovery, they just muddle through. These individuals fail to make the most of the possibilities offered by a life away from alcoholism. * It may lead to depression or other forms of substance abuse
This is all rather negative don’t you think? Such strong terms such as challenging and difficult... try to put things in a positive light..
every hour without a drink helps to resolve you’re connection with your body, makes you a healthier individual, proves you have the capacity to take back control.
. said:This is all rather negative don’t you think?
As I said, though - I tend to think of things negatively. It's very debilitating. It's a mindset I've had for many years. But yes, I know you're right.
There is another factor in all of this that I might have been ignoring - or maybe pretending to ignore. The documentary on George Michael, looking into his lifestyle and the things that may have helped contribute to his death, mentioned much about his loneliness. After Wham!, he spent much of the height of his solo fame on the road, and would mostly - after a concert - return to his hotel room alone. Someone who knew him at the time mentioned that he often commented on how difficult he now found it alone. On top of this, he still hadn't come out about his sexuality because of his fears about the impact it would have on his family and his fanbase. His partner died of AIDS-related complications in 1993, which was a hugely difficult time. Then, three years later, he lost his beloved mother. There is some suggestion that he never really got over these losses and that they haunted him for the rest of his life. In spite of later partnerships, he seems to have been quite a 'lonely' individual - and he died alone, following an argument with his last partner, who'd left and slept in his car that fatal night.
It all got me thinking and realising a few things. I've said that I've always preferred my own company, that I've never really wanted friends, that I like being alone. But I suppose, since mum's passing, this is really the first time in my life when there truly is no one else. On top of this, I'm now working in a place where, for absolutely the first time in my life, I'm the oldest staff member by a long way. Even the next oldest is closer to the average age - 26 - than I am. So, I'm pretty much the 'lone wolf' in more than just my autism. I don't really have anything in common with anyone else there, whereas in my last job there were at least a few more people who were around my age and shared a generational bond.
I don't know. Maybe I'm underestimating the effect that all of this is having. Being totally alone. Feeling old and generationally adrift from my colleagues. A lot of age is a state of mind, and I maintain a young outlook. But I can't help feeling isolated now much more than I ever used to.
Oddly, I was talking with someone online the other day about the housing crisis, and explaining how difficult it now is to get affordable rents where I live. I said I'd tried to get on the council housing list, but don't qualify on many fronts. They then suggested a local housing association. I said I knew of it, but thought it was for elderly people only. It's a place with onsite carers, communal lounges, bingo nights - that kind of thing. When I checked, though, it's for over-55s. So I qualify. It's listed as a 'retirement village'. Gosh. How scary!
I suppose all of this, anyway, is tumbling around in my sober head.
I need to leave for work - but I really don't feel like going in today. I feel quite low this morning. Maybe I'll have to have a migraine or something.
I don't really socialise at all. I think if I went into a pub, anyway, I'd end up with a beer. I do like pubs, though. I tend to prefer the quiet ones, too, where I can go to a table in a corner on my own. For now, though, I'll steer clear.
Yes, I'll register with this association. The council straight out rejected my application. As a single person with no dependents, I would only qualify if I was either seriously disabled or threatened with homelessness.