Late autism diagnosis and self-acceptance

1. Thank ypu, I am about to use these 2 books for myself. I have recently been diagnosed at 51 and it feel a new journey has started. Reading on here is helping x

Hi, thanks for your reply!

I know what you mean, the unmasking part is definitely a big challenge. What is me and what is a carefully constructed mask?

Regarding the people pleasing it definitely gives me joy when I do something and people are happy and grateful, how I know it is damaging is when I am saying yes to something, and then feel it should have been a no - going against my own needs and wants. Sadly much is also going completely automatic by now. My partner has way more need for together-time than I, and I have always prioritised that over the alone-time I often would have needed. It causes me stress, going against what I actually want to do, but I so strongly want to avoid disappointing anyone/contlict that I do it anyway. Just very recently have I noticed that I am doing this and that it is harming me, so I am trying to break the pattern. 

I don’t actively hate people pleasing per se, but the kind where I neglect my own needs is harmful and needs to stop. Does that make sense?

Sadly I «had to» quit therapy not long after I was diagnosed. Horrible timing as this year has been awful and I have been in crisis for most of it. I have done my own research, listened to podcasts, read some books. I have read the one you mention and found it helpful! Gave me very many aha-moments for sure. 

I can’t recall if it was this book or another, but the first thing I decided to do was stopping apologising for autistic traits. A seemingly small change but catching myself doing it and actively stopping it has probably led to a bit more self acceptance. 

Thank you my friend and wishing you strength and courage to realise that version of yourself. 
On the diagnosis for me, you know, it’s a funny one. I’m proud for pushing through the comments claiming I was just odd, or just ‘you’ and now have some clarity and context of what exactly is going on and how I view the world. It will take time to adapt and to be more authentic as I’ve never known anything else. I would say I congratulate myself on that front :). 

Stuart333 said:

A clue is if people ask how you feel and you don't know how to answer, you aren't paying much attention

Your whole reply here is incredibly useful and I’m sure many people will take knowledge from this. I know I certainly will. Thank you. 

Thanks for your reply! 

The path has been long, exhausting and painful. And, just las you are describing, full of masking and people pleasing. I have been to therapy so many times, gotten help for whatever got me there: depression, anxiety. Only when I got a therapist that looked at me as a whole and not the current issue as an isolated thing, it all made sense. First I got ADHD, which got medicated and made the autism flourish, and then the autism. I have been overcompensating for so long, that I am fully and utterly exhausted and now that I realise why, I can’t return, and I don’t want to either. 

So you are right, of course. My whole life I have constructed a charming, funny, lovable version of me - a real people pleaser completely unable to set ANY boundary. This version has ignored her own needs and done anything to make others happy. So I need to make big changes to accommodate for myself and make myself happy and that is really hard. 

My initial impulse is to congratulate you with the diagnosis, but of course I can’t know whether that is something you wanted or hoped for? Either way you are not alone, and I wish you the best of luck on getting out of the identity crisis mode. Don’t forget to be kind to yourself!

Hi, thank you for your reply! I’m sorry to hear you are struggling, but I agree it is helpful to realise you are not alone in this.

I know what you mean about friends and family not understanding. For me, it had even been so bad that my marriage was/is close to collapse. How should I learn to accept and love myself when the people around me can’t? It’s like I not only have to convince myself that I am good as I am, but also others. Makes the work so much harder. 

Thank you, this makes a lot of sense. I am definitely either in burnout or very close, so I know I need to push the breaks. Am currently on partial sick leave from work (as I have been very much this year…), and am prioritising rest. 

I have spent a lot of time reading/listening to ebooks and also got some material from my previous therapist. Even though I am in a country where mental health care is probably better than many other places, the post-diagnosis support is a joke. It is kind of like «here’s the diagnosis, goodbye and good luck». 

I have touched upon some good resources the past year, and should probably revisit those. (The Neurodivergence Skills Workbook for Autism and ADHD by Jennifer Kemp and Monique Mitchelson, Self-Care for Autistic People by Dr Megan Anne Neff). 

Thank you so much for your reply and for sharing! 

It sounds like you have developed some good strategies, and there are several things here I will try out.

I am journaling quite often when things are bad, so reading it later as if it were someone else is a good idea! 

I also dug back out the diagnosis report to read it again. 

I love this. I’m actually learning quite a lot by being here on this forum which is great. I’m going to read more into that. 

Well put.

Hello,

I know what you mean. It's ok, you aren't doing anything wrong.

If you pushed too hard before and were in a bad way, i.e. in burnout, you have to back off a long way to reset your nervous system. I have for most of this year. It has not been easy, I have let things slip. If you feel like a failure, or feel guilty, you will still be stressed and likely be struggling to reset and feel good.

Learning to be less harsh on yourself and let go is not easy. Writing things down then reading then reading them back later as if it were someone else can help you to see. If you wouldn't expect someone else to do it, then give yourself some space and don't feel guilty.

Seeing my diagnosis report brought it home to me. When you see it in black and white, I thought it didn't sound good.

It is normal to diminish your own struggles. You haven't known anything else. The question is where to draw the new line.

Once you are stable again, you can then do more. But you have to be more focused.You can still feel uncomfortable sometimes, but do it in smaller doses or less frequently and allow some rest or alone time.

Sleeping, cutting out caffeine and reducing alcohol, plus eating well, keeping hydrated and doing some light exercise, even just a regular walk, all realty help.

You need to notice what causes you stress and how you react. It may not be easy, some things may be subtle. I was ignoring many of the signs. Look for patterns.

A clue is if people ask how you feel and you don't know how to answer, you aren't paying much attention. When I am stressed or under pressure,  I become more negative and try to avoid things, but I don't feel obviously stressed. If I have a couple glasses of wine, the next afternoon I am more prone to negative backwards looking thoughts. I took time to see these things. When. You are tired it is much harder to manage and thinking becomes worse.

You can do what you did before if you want to. You don't have abandon everything.

You might need to consider where all the expectations to perform come from and what it is you are afraid of if you let them go.

I realised I was scared of being seen to be failing, but the only one who thought that was me  I have done better than most. It is over compensation. 

I was so busy surviving I never thought how to live. I don't really know how.

Yes been there.

Prioritise burnout recovery - research and support for that.  Get the stress level down somehow.

Understanding autism helps - post diagnostic support for that available to you?  I spent a heck of a lot of time researching and soul searching.

People spend a lot of time giving themselves positive self affirmations and apparently it works.  So do negative affirmations and the autism diagnosis is heavily biased to "defecits" - this is a like a kick in the head confidence wise.

You can do all those things just not in the way that neurotypical society expects of you. They have a problem not you.

Best wishes.

Hello, i feel exactly the same as you. Female 53 officially diagnosed 6 months ago but self diagnosed a year ago. I didn't think this part would be do difficult znd it feels like my friends/family just don't understand. I dont really have any answers apart from suggesting a late diagnosis group, there's Swan and One Stop Shop. Its so difficult, I feel like im half in half out, some people know others don't. Its actually so helpful to see that other people feel the same way. X

Thanks for posting - I can relate too having only been diagnosed last week at age 38 and still in that identity crisis mode. You said something that immediately drew my attention: 

PeoplePleaser said:

I’m still coming to terms with the fact that I can’t do all the things I thought I could

You know you’ve been down this path most of your life, how did that feel for you? If I were to answer, words that come to mind are: exhausting, masking, people pleasing etc. I think it’s kinder to look back and realise that was a version of you, not the real you. And by real, I mean the version of you that is more authentic, not as afraid to say no and be more yourself and say/act what you feel like a little more without judgement. Don’t mistake this for the fact that you can do things, there’s nothing stopping you but listen to the internal signs more rather than pushing through. 

You’ve got this - one step at a time. Be kind to yourself. 

Hi, I think what you describe sounds incredibly familiar. I am just looking at the whole unmasking thing with uncertainty because I don't know who I am without it. I have been thinking recently I am incredibly people-pleasing too, but I don't just do it out of fear. I do actually enjoy helping people and get satisfaction from being of assisstance. I don't think this is a bad thing if I am getting something out of it too. I do also use it to punish myself, and deny myself my needs, so i think I do have some work to do in those areas, but I don't need to turn away from that aspect completely as I think that is actually a part of my personality anyway, just I probably take it to extremes. Does that mean anything to you, or do you actively hate it all? In which case it would be a bad thing for you.

Did/do you get any therapy to help work it out? Sounds like it might be something you might need, whether you can get it or not I don't know? I am finding it tricky even with that, but it's meant to help? Have you read any books? I'm trying to read Unmasking Autism (Devon Price), and it has some actual things to do in there, though I've not tried them yet.