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Late autism diagnosis and self-acceptance

PeoplePleaser

Hi!

I (w, 36) was diagnosed with autism at the beginning of the year and I am really struggling with it.

I thought a diagnosis would help me understand myself, and it did. I hoped it would show me how I needed to live in order to be true to myself, function as well as I could, and protect myself from depression and burnout. And in many ways, it did.

I did not realise it would send me straight into an identity crisis, nor how hard it would be to accept who I am. I am not the person I thought I was. I was people-pleasing and masking to hell and back, pushing myself far too far. Obviously this all led to numerous depressions and burnouts and ultimately, an autism diagnosis.

To others I am warm, generous, understanding, and non-judgmental. But to myself? Apparently I have to be superhuman, otherwise I am small, weak, and dumb. I feel shame for having the struggles that I do, and after meltdowns I am so incredibly harsh on myself.

I know I can’t continue down the same path, but I am really struggling. I’m still coming to terms with the fact that I can’t do all the things I thought I could.

Has anyone else been where I’m at right now, and how did you deal with it?

Parents

  • Hello,

    I know what you mean. It's ok, you aren't doing anything wrong.

    If you pushed too hard before and were in a bad way, i.e. in burnout, you have to back off a long way to reset your nervous system. I have for most of this year. It has not been easy, I have let things slip. If you feel like a failure, or feel guilty, you will still be stressed and likely be struggling to reset and feel good.

    Learning to be less harsh on yourself and let go is not easy. Writing things down then reading then reading them back later as if it were someone else can help you to see. If you wouldn't expect someone else to do it, then give yourself some space and don't feel guilty.

    Seeing my diagnosis report brought it home to me. When you see it in black and white, I thought it didn't sound good.

    It is normal to diminish your own struggles. You haven't known anything else. The question is where to draw the new line.

    Once you are stable again, you can then do more. But you have to be more focused.You can still feel uncomfortable sometimes, but do it in smaller doses or less frequently and allow some rest or alone time.

    Sleeping, cutting out caffeine and reducing alcohol, plus eating well, keeping hydrated and doing some light exercise, even just a regular walk, all realty help.

    You need to notice what causes you stress and how you react. It may not be easy, some things may be subtle. I was ignoring many of the signs. Look for patterns.

    A clue is if people ask how you feel and you don't know how to answer, you aren't paying much attention. When I am stressed or under pressure,  I become more negative and try to avoid things, but I don't feel obviously stressed. If I have a couple glasses of wine, the next afternoon I am more prone to negative backwards looking thoughts. I took time to see these things. When. You are tired it is much harder to manage and thinking becomes worse.

    You can do what you did before if you want to. You don't have abandon everything.

    You might need to consider where all the expectations to perform come from and what it is you are afraid of if you let them go.

    I realised I was scared of being seen to be failing, but the only one who thought that was me  I have done better than most. It is over compensation. 

    I was so busy surviving I never thought how to live. I don't really know how.

  • in reply to Stuart333
    Stuart333 said:
    A clue is if people ask how you feel and you don't know how to answer, you aren't paying much attention

    Your whole reply here is incredibly useful and I’m sure many people will take knowledge from this. I know I certainly will. Thank you. 

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