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Late autism diagnosis and self-acceptance

PeoplePleaser

Hi!

I (w, 36) was diagnosed with autism at the beginning of the year and I am really struggling with it.

I thought a diagnosis would help me understand myself, and it did. I hoped it would show me how I needed to live in order to be true to myself, function as well as I could, and protect myself from depression and burnout. And in many ways, it did.

I did not realise it would send me straight into an identity crisis, nor how hard it would be to accept who I am. I am not the person I thought I was. I was people-pleasing and masking to hell and back, pushing myself far too far. Obviously this all led to numerous depressions and burnouts and ultimately, an autism diagnosis.

To others I am warm, generous, understanding, and non-judgmental. But to myself? Apparently I have to be superhuman, otherwise I am small, weak, and dumb. I feel shame for having the struggles that I do, and after meltdowns I am so incredibly harsh on myself.

I know I can’t continue down the same path, but I am really struggling. I’m still coming to terms with the fact that I can’t do all the things I thought I could.

Has anyone else been where I’m at right now, and how did you deal with it?

Parents

  • Hi, I think what you describe sounds incredibly familiar. I am just looking at the whole unmasking thing with uncertainty because I don't know who I am without it. I have been thinking recently I am incredibly people-pleasing too, but I don't just do it out of fear. I do actually enjoy helping people and get satisfaction from being of assisstance. I don't think this is a bad thing if I am getting something out of it too. I do also use it to punish myself, and deny myself my needs, so i think I do have some work to do in those areas, but I don't need to turn away from that aspect completely as I think that is actually a part of my personality anyway, just I probably take it to extremes. Does that mean anything to you, or do you actively hate it all? In which case it would be a bad thing for you.

    Did/do you get any therapy to help work it out? Sounds like it might be something you might need, whether you can get it or not I don't know? I am finding it tricky even with that, but it's meant to help? Have you read any books? I'm trying to read Unmasking Autism (Devon Price), and it has some actual things to do in there, though I've not tried them yet.  

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    Hi, thanks for your reply!

    I know what you mean, the unmasking part is definitely a big challenge. What is me and what is a carefully constructed mask?

    Regarding the people pleasing it definitely gives me joy when I do something and people are happy and grateful, how I know it is damaging is when I am saying yes to something, and then feel it should have been a no - going against my own needs and wants. Sadly much is also going completely automatic by now. My partner has way more need for together-time than I, and I have always prioritised that over the alone-time I often would have needed. It causes me stress, going against what I actually want to do, but I so strongly want to avoid disappointing anyone/contlict that I do it anyway. Just very recently have I noticed that I am doing this and that it is harming me, so I am trying to break the pattern. 

    I don’t actively hate people pleasing per se, but the kind where I neglect my own needs is harmful and needs to stop. Does that make sense?

    Sadly I «had to» quit therapy not long after I was diagnosed. Horrible timing as this year has been awful and I have been in crisis for most of it. I have done my own research, listened to podcasts, read some books. I have read the one you mention and found it helpful! Gave me very many aha-moments for sure. 

    I can’t recall if it was this book or another, but the first thing I decided to do was stopping apologising for autistic traits. A seemingly small change but catching myself doing it and actively stopping it has probably led to a bit more self acceptance. 

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  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    Hi, thanks for your reply!

    I know what you mean, the unmasking part is definitely a big challenge. What is me and what is a carefully constructed mask?

    Regarding the people pleasing it definitely gives me joy when I do something and people are happy and grateful, how I know it is damaging is when I am saying yes to something, and then feel it should have been a no - going against my own needs and wants. Sadly much is also going completely automatic by now. My partner has way more need for together-time than I, and I have always prioritised that over the alone-time I often would have needed. It causes me stress, going against what I actually want to do, but I so strongly want to avoid disappointing anyone/contlict that I do it anyway. Just very recently have I noticed that I am doing this and that it is harming me, so I am trying to break the pattern. 

    I don’t actively hate people pleasing per se, but the kind where I neglect my own needs is harmful and needs to stop. Does that make sense?

    Sadly I «had to» quit therapy not long after I was diagnosed. Horrible timing as this year has been awful and I have been in crisis for most of it. I have done my own research, listened to podcasts, read some books. I have read the one you mention and found it helpful! Gave me very many aha-moments for sure. 

    I can’t recall if it was this book or another, but the first thing I decided to do was stopping apologising for autistic traits. A seemingly small change but catching myself doing it and actively stopping it has probably led to a bit more self acceptance. 

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