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Late autism diagnosis and self-acceptance

PeoplePleaser

Hi!

I (w, 36) was diagnosed with autism at the beginning of the year and I am really struggling with it.

I thought a diagnosis would help me understand myself, and it did. I hoped it would show me how I needed to live in order to be true to myself, function as well as I could, and protect myself from depression and burnout. And in many ways, it did.

I did not realise it would send me straight into an identity crisis, nor how hard it would be to accept who I am. I am not the person I thought I was. I was people-pleasing and masking to hell and back, pushing myself far too far. Obviously this all led to numerous depressions and burnouts and ultimately, an autism diagnosis.

To others I am warm, generous, understanding, and non-judgmental. But to myself? Apparently I have to be superhuman, otherwise I am small, weak, and dumb. I feel shame for having the struggles that I do, and after meltdowns I am so incredibly harsh on myself.

I know I can’t continue down the same path, but I am really struggling. I’m still coming to terms with the fact that I can’t do all the things I thought I could.

Has anyone else been where I’m at right now, and how did you deal with it?

Parents

  • Thanks for posting - I can relate too having only been diagnosed last week at age 38 and still in that identity crisis mode. You said something that immediately drew my attention: 

    PeoplePleaser said:
    I’m still coming to terms with the fact that I can’t do all the things I thought I could

    You know you’ve been down this path most of your life, how did that feel for you? If I were to answer, words that come to mind are: exhausting, masking, people pleasing etc. I think it’s kinder to look back and realise that was a version of you, not the real you. And by real, I mean the version of you that is more authentic, not as afraid to say no and be more yourself and say/act what you feel like a little more without judgement. Don’t mistake this for the fact that you can do things, there’s nothing stopping you but listen to the internal signs more rather than pushing through. 

    You’ve got this - one step at a time. Be kind to yourself. 

  • in reply to JB33

    Thanks for your reply! 

    The path has been long, exhausting and painful. And, just las you are describing, full of masking and people pleasing. I have been to therapy so many times, gotten help for whatever got me there: depression, anxiety. Only when I got a therapist that looked at me as a whole and not the current issue as an isolated thing, it all made sense. First I got ADHD, which got medicated and made the autism flourish, and then the autism. I have been overcompensating for so long, that I am fully and utterly exhausted and now that I realise why, I can’t return, and I don’t want to either. 

    So you are right, of course. My whole life I have constructed a charming, funny, lovable version of me - a real people pleaser completely unable to set ANY boundary. This version has ignored her own needs and done anything to make others happy. So I need to make big changes to accommodate for myself and make myself happy and that is really hard. 

    My initial impulse is to congratulate you with the diagnosis, but of course I can’t know whether that is something you wanted or hoped for? Either way you are not alone, and I wish you the best of luck on getting out of the identity crisis mode. Don’t forget to be kind to yourself!

Reply
  • in reply to JB33

    Thanks for your reply! 

    The path has been long, exhausting and painful. And, just las you are describing, full of masking and people pleasing. I have been to therapy so many times, gotten help for whatever got me there: depression, anxiety. Only when I got a therapist that looked at me as a whole and not the current issue as an isolated thing, it all made sense. First I got ADHD, which got medicated and made the autism flourish, and then the autism. I have been overcompensating for so long, that I am fully and utterly exhausted and now that I realise why, I can’t return, and I don’t want to either. 

    So you are right, of course. My whole life I have constructed a charming, funny, lovable version of me - a real people pleaser completely unable to set ANY boundary. This version has ignored her own needs and done anything to make others happy. So I need to make big changes to accommodate for myself and make myself happy and that is really hard. 

    My initial impulse is to congratulate you with the diagnosis, but of course I can’t know whether that is something you wanted or hoped for? Either way you are not alone, and I wish you the best of luck on getting out of the identity crisis mode. Don’t forget to be kind to yourself!

Children
  • in reply to PeoplePleaser

    Thank you my friend and wishing you strength and courage to realise that version of yourself. 
    On the diagnosis for me, you know, it’s a funny one. I’m proud for pushing through the comments claiming I was just odd, or just ‘you’ and now have some clarity and context of what exactly is going on and how I view the world. It will take time to adapt and to be more authentic as I’ve never known anything else. I would say I congratulate myself on that front :).