Meltdowns and depression

You have seen the flaw in my post - I realised after posting that we also affirm and reassure each other by sharing things we have in common.

Thinking about that situation again, I think the difference is that when an NT person says "I do that sometimes" this affirms in their mind that the autistic person they are talking to is the same as them, so either they're thinking that they themselves are "a bit autistic" or they are thinking "I don't think this person I'm speaking to is actually autistic".i.e. They are trying to match identities.

I can't speak for all autistic adults, but hearing that someone does something or feels the same way about something doesn't necessarily make me feel that they are "like me". For example, if someone says they sometimes get uncomfortable in crowds or that loud music annoys them I can empathise, but I don't immediately think "oh, they must be a bit autistic" or that they are like me.

Is this so different to ND people Lotus ? 

Xannah_M said:

NTs may know of traits of the ND and subconsciously invalidate them by saying “oh, I do that sometimes” or “I know so and so does that a little”.

NT people make friends and strengthen bonds by their similarities to others in their groups. They reassure each other by pointing out similarities, as to them it's uncomfortable to feel "different.

Yes, before diagnosis I noticed it but didn't realise what was causing it.

I probably notice it more post diagnosis

could be:

I am unmasking more

I am more stressed post diagnosis with coming to terms with things so make more mistakes

I really hope that it gets better for you and for me and others like us as that constant seesaw is a pretty horrible experience to have.

For work I desperately feel like in need a specially large sign that says "I am autistic - I do what it says on the tin!!"

Hmmm... yes funny that they " see us" but judge us on their own terms.  I think there are "short circuits" in their brains that bypass all the bits we do.

Before I finally get out of bed to get ready for work, I wanted to respond because I can relate.

First of all I’m so sorry you had to endure this. When you feel as if you have no choice but to press on, it’s so hard, even if you change roles or even change jobs.

My work is fully aware of my diagnosis. They are trying to do their bit because I believe that legally they would be in trouble otherwise. However, being told “are you sure this job is still right for you” lowkey, does not do anything but invalidate me. I get rewarded often and hit metrics, etc., but I also in my mid 50s, in a minority group (Caribbean heritage), female in a normally male dominated industry, have co-morbidities. Still, I look as if all is well and masked excellently…even though now that mask if falling rapidly. So, I think that often makes NT people feel I’ll press on anyway (though I have meltdowns, burnouts).

I literally now have been told I’m not allowed to be unwell (in burnout which makes me not functional for a while) for the next year or more, if not…..

Anyway, having conversations with others who get it helps a little, so thank you

This was me at the start of the year. I got a lead position and I pushed so hard for 6 months after 6 months of depression thinking I couldn't do it. As a contractor I was desperately trying to meet all of the spiralling deadline and unable to say no to additional work. In the end all my mind could focus on was finishing the work, then I got a 2 week extension and wanted to cry I was so tired, as I've also had insomnia since January (still do). They asked for a further 2 weeks and I had to say no as I had nothing left to give, and left the company I was working for too. 3 months off with the kids over the summer, then got a new job and the exhaustion hit again immediately. I've been not as productive, which is hard for me but also trying to accept the new company aren't complaining. 

Maybe opening up to your boss might be the only way, as if you're like me you can't cut your own work down, you need someone to cut it down for you. As such a great worker, they will hopefully want to protect your health as it's in their interests to look after their employees. You certainly sound like you've done everything you can on your own, and so need support from work now.

Hi, thanks for your response. I was just sharing, since I can’t seem to share with anyone around me without being misunderstood. I’ve always put pressure on myself to do things as perfectly as I can (which is harmful, I know). Also, for other reasons, I’m constantly in a state of coping, and “I must prove myself” at work. 

Having holidays are short term fixes, which I spread throughout my year. Thankfully these are times when I can have time to myself and minimise the constant resilience and masking. However, Christmas doesn’t help me since I work in an environment which does not offer the liberty of having Christmastime off.

For sure, I will continue to learn how to balance and figure out my existence, especially with added health and family challenges, minority group challenges, etc.

Thanks so much for your response. After work, because I have chronic fatigue, I normally head straight home, and I’m in my bed soon after. I always am in the dark at home with my headset on since I’m more comfortable and less stimulated that way. I’ve been like this for years and years before having my diagnosis. I guess, constant coping outside of my “nest” is beginning to get the better of me. It doesn’t help as well, that I’m constantly rewarded at work for pushing myself so hard. When I am rewarded I often ask the manager “why am I getting this” because, in my head, I’m doing my job and it’s hurting me. But, because I’m resilient at all costs, this is what our NT world wants.

Phased said:

idealistically at the moment there is little shift in neurotypical empathy towards autistic people

The “empathy” I’ve come upon is one where NTs may know of traits of the ND and subconsciously invalidate them by saying “oh, I do that sometimes” or “I know so and so does that a little”. It tantamount to responding by saying “ oh, I have a tree too” when told we have a tree that may be a different type, in a different location, etc.

I wish I could come up with an immediate response when I get that interaction, but because it takes time for me to respond to these things, I miss the mark.

Phased said:

Coping is not an ideal state to be in for too long I suggest.  Certainly not for prolonged periods.  Consider perhaps that some plants can "cope with" prolonged periods of drought and later flourish when the weather is right for them.  If the rain never comes then...

Correct. Coping long term is not an ideal situation. 

This is an ongoing issue. Having no choice but to press on re work, this keeps me hyper aware constantly. However, there is now the state of unmasking that I’m in (since I’ve been masking over 50 years and am now post menopausal). I am relieved that I am discovering me but am now fully aware that somethings may make other people uncomfortable. A constant seesaw.

Phased said:

There is also the risk of collateral damage - especially as being autistic one can find oneself out of social capability range and/or even blamed for the other persons distress.

Masking from oneself means one doesn't know oneself perhaps?

Difficult to self-empathise under those circumstances.

Denial of how close to the edge of the operating window one might be and indeed if one is out of it I certainly found to be problematic, and still do.

Once you get used to spotting it there are lots of other people doing the same thing NT and ND alike... I suspect that you already know this Cinnabar_wing 

These people are difficult to reason with and in my opinion a little dangerous to be in close proximity to.

I find now that their behaviour can be somewhat contagious or at the least distressing as one is called upon to increase self control - when already masking this can sometimes appear to be an easy process however if one is already close to over the edge of the operating window...

There is also the risk of collateral damage - especially as being autistic one can find oneself out of social capability range and/or even blamed for the other persons distress.

Coping is not an ideal state to be in for too long I suggest.  Certainly not for prolonged periods.  Consider perhaps that some plants can "cope with" prolonged periods of drought and later flourish when the weather is right for them.  If the rain never comes then...

Phased said:

a third empathy bracket myself - that autistic people struggle to empathise with themselves because they have been living to unrealistic expectations of themself pre AND post diagnosis.

Wow, yes, I think this is definitely a thing for some. If I coped at one point, why am I finding it so hard now? (Is this denial of burnout?)

I would definitely have this 

Yes, understood Xannah_M 

What Dr Damian Milton calls the double empathy problem between neurodiverse and neurotypical might explain what you are experiencing.  By it's nature possibly come up with strategies for dealing with it.  However idealistically at the moment there is little shift in neurotypical empathy towards autistic people except that hard won by individuals and that's not easy to do for oneself when at rock bottom.  Maybe there is some sort of advocate you could get on your side to help...  I am at that point myself however they are hard to find and also it is hard to admit to oneself that despite society saying to you you're on your own in this just get on with it you might really need it.

I would put this sort of acknowledgement in a third empathy bracket myself - that autistic people struggle to empathise with themselves because they have been living to unrealistic expectations of themself pre AND post diagnosis.

Best wishes

Yes it's eye-opening but doesn't help immediately with the exhaustion or the fear of being exhausted and not coping with it. Try break everything you do down and work out where you can let youself off with doing less, when you can just shut your eyes in a quiet dark room for a little bit, after work maybe? I've seen people talking about stopping working but that's not an option for me, so I'm trying to find ways to keep going but a tiny bit easier. 

Hello.

I'm not sure if you're asking a question. You seem to have made a statement that seems fine.

You've had a diagnosis which is helping you understand yourself. You're struggling at work and trying to bulldoze through which is hard. Sounds like correct operation to me 

If you want to not find it so hard, you need to back off a little bit. You may be putting more pressure on yourself than you need. Or you just need a holiday. Christmas is coming.