Struggling with being misunderstood / autistic burnout

1. Hi,I am sorry you are experiencing this - I can relate- I have struggled with burnout on and off for years and I am getting better at seeing the signs before utter disaster strikes but I still seem incapable of preventing even deeper burnout as people don’t understand when I say that I am not coping and need to slow down or take a break- even people that I know care about me and are generally understanding- it can be so hard when others are minimising your experiences because they just don’t understand - I mask relatively well and I have years of experience of hiding that I am an utter wreck. I also think people often compare your experiences to something they have experienced and then conclude that it is similar even if it might not be and/ or the impact it has on me seems much greater. I often end up thinking I’m just stupid, lazy etc and should be able to cope too. I am lucky that my mum understands but it does put a huge strain on her as I lean heavily on her for support. It helps to interact with other neurodiverse individuals - they are much more likely to understand and communication is easier and it’s easier to be yourself. I realised after being diagnosed that most of my friends are neurodiverse- I feel very lucky that I met at least a few likeminded people at university- it is much harder to make friends now. This forum has helped too. I actually also now occasionally talk to a therapist who is autistic himself which is good. It’s hard when you feel alone but there are people out there that understand and that you can connect to. I hope you find some soon!!

Hey, stranger. I’m in my early 20s, have similar issues with my mom. My whole safety net, but I’ve gotten to an age where I’ve realised for a few years now that we have many differing opinions; realised we don’t really have the closeness I once thought we had.

Outside of her, I don’t really have any ‘safe’ or close people; I have a few university supports, one counsellor I see whenever I can. I suppose my best support is a pet; a cat, in my case. Animals are quieter. Easier to understand.

Sometimes I try to imagine my favourite fictional characters are alongside me. Not to replace real social interaction, but to essentially feel that ‘somebody else’ is parroting my own thoughts at me. That ‘somebody else’ is telling me what I need to do or what might make me happy in the moment. Maybe it sounds really silly, but I’ve recently found myself convinced to take a walk that I had beens second-guessing after shoving a silly prompt into Chatgpt to respond as, say, Captain America, about what to do about feeling unmotivated to take a walk (since ChatGPT essentially will just parrot back what you want to hear). It doesn’t replace real interaction (it can’t), but it lets you soundboard off of yourself through a favoured, safe, fictional medium. Again, like I said, it’s probably really silly, but it’s ‘tricked’ my brain to be a little more motivated.

Another thing I do is reward myself for near everything. Get dressed even after spending most of the day in PJs? Sticker. Wash face? Sticker. I bribe myself like I’m in primary school. Sometimes the silliest, lighthearted things work.

If you are not already, pay attention to your body.

If your shoulders start to raise (try hunching and lowering them to check), if you are breathing from your chest rather than your diaphragm (your chest goes up and down and your stomach doesn't move), you feel a knot or something under your sternum, you are getting stressed.

Also, your heart beat can get stronger, not just faster, when stressed, I can feel my pulse in my throat.

If these things happen, you need to calm yourself. Lower shoulders, say down it works, breathe deeper use your diaphragm, close your eyes for a few seconds, tell yourself you're safe, place a hand on your chest, these will all calm you. Do this for a minute or so each time.

Get the stress under control, work on sleeping, light exercise, and proper food and hydration, cut out caffeine and alcohol, and you will start the get more regulated.

Note that alcohol causes more problematic thinking the next afternoon.

Caffeine is really not helpful even if it feels like it is.

Try to change your mindset and don't put yourself under pressure. Leave things if you can, I have not done much in the garden this year and it is my number one hobby. Don't feel guilty for being lazy or doing something you enjoy.

Write stuff down each day, and treat yourself as an experiment and look for patterns. Which foods cause trouble, what happens when you don't sleep well, etc. you can then make progress.

Hi Stuart thanks so much for replying. 

Stuart333 said:

The dysregulation affects your thinking and perspective. Because your nervous system is on alert it is looking for threats and over interprets things.

I really hadn't thought about it like this before but it sounds accurate. I don't really know what to do about the dysregulation though - I've isolated myself a lot for this whole year and essentially given myself space and time but feels like I'm waiting for something to change or get better and I don't quite know what that is or what it looks like.

I hardly talk to my Mum at the moment - we never speak on the phone and hardly text because she knows I find that hard too. I tried going 3 weeks without seeing her at all, but then had an even worse shutdown the next time I saw her.

I do tend to feel better on days where I don't talk to anyone, but after a few days of this I start getting quite anxious from feeling disconnected and feeling like something bad is going to happen to my family (probably dysregulated again).

I was seeing an autism psychologist but recently stopped because it was very expensive and I wasn't getting much from it. I do find chat gpt quite helpful and I'm new to this forum but finding it helpful so far. 

I feel in a similar situation, where family is my "safety net" but as a result I do nothing apart from work and I feel like I'm in a rut. So my advice is to do what you are doing now by trying to interact with this community and have it become an additional safe space.

I think your first issue is to try to make some progress with your burnout. The dysregulation affects your thinking and perspective. Because your nervous system is on alert it is looking for threats and over interprets things.

Inconsistency is a big problem. This puts you on edge. If you feel nervous calling, or drained after talking to her, it is a sign.

While you need someone to share things with, try talking a bit less, like every other day instead of every day. Keep a note and see if you feel better or more regulated on the days you don't talk. It doesn't go have to be permanent. I didn't talk to mine for a month and have reduced the calls, they are 80, because I found it was not helping me recover.

As a temporary measure you can share things here. Or just talk to the chatGPT app on your phone. Most of it is thinking out loud, so you just need somewhere to say things. The app is very consistent and is biased to be supportive and reflect back some of what you say.

Other than work colleagues I don't talk to anyone outside work hours, except for on two sites, one of which is here.

Try to be kinder to yourself. Allow yourself some space, lower your expectations, tell yourself its fine, try to relax. Make sure you sleep enough. Try to reduce stress. 

I don’t think it’s silly at all! I’m 46, and I know I’ll always miss the relationship I thought I had — and was so dependent on — with my mum. I’m married and my husband’s a good man, but he doesn’t pretend to understand how autism (and ADHD, trauma, perimenopause etc.) shape my experiences. What he is very good at is helping me regulate. He works away for three weeks out of every six, so half the time I’m managing alone with our now almost grown-up kids. My girls are both undiagnosed ND, so it’s full-on, but helping them navigate their challenges actually brings me some peace — it feels like I’m breaking that unhelpful parenting cycle.

I also find it hard to understand how a parent could see their child (of any age) suffering and not want to ease it. But I’ve realised it’s such a common thread in ND families — maybe because of their own unhealed stuff or trauma.

I’m a very black-and-white thinker too. My counsellor once talked about something called “both/and” thinking, and it really stuck with me. It’s the idea that more than one thing can be true at the same time — for example, I’m angry and frustrated with my parents, and I can still choose to spend time with them. Or I’m strong and struggling. Scared and brave. That kind of thing.

For me, that shift helped soften the extremes a little — it made space for complexity instead of feeling like I had to pick one truth or the other. You mentioned needing support but not being able to rely on your mum — maybe both/and thinking could be something to gently explore when you’re ready. I also found DBT alongside counselling helpful in making sense of things and finding a bit more coherence.

Go gently with yourself x

Hi Angela, thanks so much for writing this reply. It's really helped me feel better knowing others are going through a similar thing. I hadn't thought about it as 'grief' before, but I think this is exactly what I'm experiencing. It really feels like the end of the world and like I can't see a way out. I don't think I can accept that she won't understand me and feels like I can't move on.

It sounds like you've figured out a good way to keep the relationship with your parents while maintaining your boundaries. Do you have other people that get you and that you can talk to about things instead? 

I imagine I need to create a similar distance with my Mum, it's just that I am a real black and white / all or nothing thinker which is something I really struggle with - so for me it feels like I can either have a close relationship with her or have nothing at all.  I also think that because I am most unmasked in front of her, I will probably have to resort to masking in order to keep a lot of my emotion and need for understanding to myself. 

Without trusting that my Mum understands my needs and will stick up for me in certain situations, it also means it limits me feeling able to see other family members. I usually only see other family when with her, but I haven't seen them in over a year now. I don't exactly miss them or feel a big need to see them, but I do worry what that means for things like that. I would need her to build trust with me so that I feel able to rely on her in those situations so not sure where that leaves me if that doesn't end up happening. Feels a bit silly me needing my mum that much since I'm in my thirties lol but I think it's because I don't get support anywhere else.

x

Hello K

I'm sorry for what you're going through and there's quite a bit that I relate to in your post. The disconnection is rough, especially when it involves really close relatives, as it often does.

For me the frustration and hurt turned to grief and anger when i realised that they can't / won't and have never actually been there in the way i needed / wanted them to be. It was a very harsh awakening - that nobody is coming to save me feeling. But dealing with the truth was simpler in the end than willing them to change. 

I still have a relationship with both my parents but it's different now. I try to be the emotional cheerleader I needed them to be for myself. I share parts of my life that I feel safe sharing and I have boundaries. I ain't meeting up in places that overwhelm me (including their houses quite a lot of the time). I don't spend time with them when they're drinking alcohol. A whiff of toxic behaviour and I'm out the door with an excuse of a candle left burning or a migraine. I don't speak to them about my neurodivergence or emotional wellbeing - I have found that speaking to strangers on the internet is much more helpful. Lol! Most importantly, I don't try to be an emotional support for either of them. If they can't or won't hold my hand then I can't hold theirs.

But we do have a cuppa, have a laugh about daft things we see or hear and help each other out with practical things. So it's not all bad. I think I'm doing the best I can in a messy situation. For now at least.

x