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Struggling with being misunderstood / autistic burnout

k001

Hello, I'm 31 and was diagnosed with autism at the start of this year. I have had autistic burnout for over a year now, and still really struggling with feeling alone and misunderstood. My mum was the only family member I was somewhat close to but I'm feeling so disconnected to her and everyone. Every time I see my Mum I have a shut down and they seem to be getting worse and worse. My mum is kind and I know that she wants to help me, but she isn't consistent, and she just can't seem to get a real understanding of what my experience of life is. There was also a situation last year where I asked for her help in a social situation and she ignored it and then became defensive. I unmask the most with my Mum, so I think I'm always looking for her to be my 'safe' person. But she is so so different to me and I feel nothing I say is heard.

I have tried writing a letter to explain to my Mum what I'm struggling with and how I feel, but her response was quite generic and a bit dismissive. It feels unbearable to consistently be trying to be understood and never getting anywhere. I usually feel even worse after speaking - probably why my brain is shutting down in front of her. I don't know what to do with this relationship. I have been told by a therapist to maybe take a step back from her, but that doesn't feel possible either. I don't have any other family member or friend to go to instead. I also get this really terrible feeling that something awful is going to happen to her if I don't maintain the relationship, but I fear the relationship can only be on her terms.

I wonder what other autistics do when they don't have a 'safe' or close person? It feels like the end of the world as is really affecting my mental health.

Parents

  • Hello K

    I'm sorry for what you're going through and there's quite a bit that I relate to in your post. The disconnection is rough, especially when it involves really close relatives, as it often does.

    For me the frustration and hurt turned to grief and anger when i realised that they can't / won't and have never actually been there in the way i needed / wanted them to be. It was a very harsh awakening - that nobody is coming to save me feeling. But dealing with the truth was simpler in the end than willing them to change. 

    I still have a relationship with both my parents but it's different now. I try to be the emotional cheerleader I needed them to be for myself. I share parts of my life that I feel safe sharing and I have boundaries. I ain't meeting up in places that overwhelm me (including their houses quite a lot of the time). I don't spend time with them when they're drinking alcohol. A whiff of toxic behaviour and I'm out the door with an excuse of a candle left burning or a migraine. I don't speak to them about my neurodivergence or emotional wellbeing - I have found that speaking to strangers on the internet is much more helpful. Lol! Most importantly, I don't try to be an emotional support for either of them. If they can't or won't hold my hand then I can't hold theirs.

    But we do have a cuppa, have a laugh about daft things we see or hear and help each other out with practical things. So it's not all bad. I think I'm doing the best I can in a messy situation. For now at least.

    x

Reply

  • Hello K

    I'm sorry for what you're going through and there's quite a bit that I relate to in your post. The disconnection is rough, especially when it involves really close relatives, as it often does.

    For me the frustration and hurt turned to grief and anger when i realised that they can't / won't and have never actually been there in the way i needed / wanted them to be. It was a very harsh awakening - that nobody is coming to save me feeling. But dealing with the truth was simpler in the end than willing them to change. 

    I still have a relationship with both my parents but it's different now. I try to be the emotional cheerleader I needed them to be for myself. I share parts of my life that I feel safe sharing and I have boundaries. I ain't meeting up in places that overwhelm me (including their houses quite a lot of the time). I don't spend time with them when they're drinking alcohol. A whiff of toxic behaviour and I'm out the door with an excuse of a candle left burning or a migraine. I don't speak to them about my neurodivergence or emotional wellbeing - I have found that speaking to strangers on the internet is much more helpful. Lol! Most importantly, I don't try to be an emotional support for either of them. If they can't or won't hold my hand then I can't hold theirs.

    But we do have a cuppa, have a laugh about daft things we see or hear and help each other out with practical things. So it's not all bad. I think I'm doing the best I can in a messy situation. For now at least.

    x

Children
  • in reply to Deleted User

    Hi Angela, thanks so much for writing this reply. It's really helped me feel better knowing others are going through a similar thing. I hadn't thought about it as 'grief' before, but I think this is exactly what I'm experiencing. It really feels like the end of the world and like I can't see a way out. I don't think I can accept that she won't understand me and feels like I can't move on.

    It sounds like you've figured out a good way to keep the relationship with your parents while maintaining your boundaries. Do you have other people that get you and that you can talk to about things instead? 

    I imagine I need to create a similar distance with my Mum, it's just that I am a real black and white / all or nothing thinker which is something I really struggle with - so for me it feels like I can either have a close relationship with her or have nothing at all.  I also think that because I am most unmasked in front of her, I will probably have to resort to masking in order to keep a lot of my emotion and need for understanding to myself. 

    Without trusting that my Mum understands my needs and will stick up for me in certain situations, it also means it limits me feeling able to see other family members. I usually only see other family when with her, but I haven't seen them in over a year now. I don't exactly miss them or feel a big need to see them, but I do worry what that means for things like that. I would need her to build trust with me so that I feel able to rely on her in those situations so not sure where that leaves me if that doesn't end up happening. Feels a bit silly me needing my mum that much since I'm in my thirties lol but I think it's because I don't get support anywhere else.

    x