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Struggling with being misunderstood / autistic burnout

k001

Hello, I'm 31 and was diagnosed with autism at the start of this year. I have had autistic burnout for over a year now, and still really struggling with feeling alone and misunderstood. My mum was the only family member I was somewhat close to but I'm feeling so disconnected to her and everyone. Every time I see my Mum I have a shut down and they seem to be getting worse and worse. My mum is kind and I know that she wants to help me, but she isn't consistent, and she just can't seem to get a real understanding of what my experience of life is. There was also a situation last year where I asked for her help in a social situation and she ignored it and then became defensive. I unmask the most with my Mum, so I think I'm always looking for her to be my 'safe' person. But she is so so different to me and I feel nothing I say is heard.

I have tried writing a letter to explain to my Mum what I'm struggling with and how I feel, but her response was quite generic and a bit dismissive. It feels unbearable to consistently be trying to be understood and never getting anywhere. I usually feel even worse after speaking - probably why my brain is shutting down in front of her. I don't know what to do with this relationship. I have been told by a therapist to maybe take a step back from her, but that doesn't feel possible either. I don't have any other family member or friend to go to instead. I also get this really terrible feeling that something awful is going to happen to her if I don't maintain the relationship, but I fear the relationship can only be on her terms.

I wonder what other autistics do when they don't have a 'safe' or close person? It feels like the end of the world as is really affecting my mental health.

Parents

  • I think your first issue is to try to make some progress with your burnout. The dysregulation affects your thinking and perspective. Because your nervous system is on alert it is looking for threats and over interprets things.

    Inconsistency is a big problem. This puts you on edge. If you feel nervous calling, or drained after talking to her, it is a sign.

    While you need someone to share things with, try talking a bit less, like every other day instead of every day. Keep a note and see if you feel better or more regulated on the days you don't talk. It doesn't go have to be permanent. I didn't talk to mine for a month and have reduced the calls, they are 80, because I found it was not helping me recover.

    As a temporary measure you can share things here. Or just talk to the chatGPT app on your phone. Most of it is thinking out loud, so you just need somewhere to say things. The app is very consistent and is biased to be supportive and reflect back some of what you say.

    Other than work colleagues I don't talk to anyone outside work hours, except for on two sites, one of which is here.

    Try to be kinder to yourself. Allow yourself some space, lower your expectations, tell yourself its fine, try to relax. Make sure you sleep enough. Try to reduce stress. 

Reply

  • I think your first issue is to try to make some progress with your burnout. The dysregulation affects your thinking and perspective. Because your nervous system is on alert it is looking for threats and over interprets things.

    Inconsistency is a big problem. This puts you on edge. If you feel nervous calling, or drained after talking to her, it is a sign.

    While you need someone to share things with, try talking a bit less, like every other day instead of every day. Keep a note and see if you feel better or more regulated on the days you don't talk. It doesn't go have to be permanent. I didn't talk to mine for a month and have reduced the calls, they are 80, because I found it was not helping me recover.

    As a temporary measure you can share things here. Or just talk to the chatGPT app on your phone. Most of it is thinking out loud, so you just need somewhere to say things. The app is very consistent and is biased to be supportive and reflect back some of what you say.

    Other than work colleagues I don't talk to anyone outside work hours, except for on two sites, one of which is here.

    Try to be kinder to yourself. Allow yourself some space, lower your expectations, tell yourself its fine, try to relax. Make sure you sleep enough. Try to reduce stress. 

Children
  • in reply to Stuart333

    Hi Stuart thanks so much for replying. 

    Stuart333 said:
    The dysregulation affects your thinking and perspective. Because your nervous system is on alert it is looking for threats and over interprets things.

    I really hadn't thought about it like this before but it sounds accurate. I don't really know what to do about the dysregulation though - I've isolated myself a lot for this whole year and essentially given myself space and time but feels like I'm waiting for something to change or get better and I don't quite know what that is or what it looks like.

    I hardly talk to my Mum at the moment - we never speak on the phone and hardly text because she knows I find that hard too. I tried going 3 weeks without seeing her at all, but then had an even worse shutdown the next time I saw her.

    I do tend to feel better on days where I don't talk to anyone, but after a few days of this I start getting quite anxious from feeling disconnected and feeling like something bad is going to happen to my family (probably dysregulated again).

    I was seeing an autism psychologist but recently stopped because it was very expensive and I wasn't getting much from it. I do find chat gpt quite helpful and I'm new to this forum but finding it helpful so far.