Struggling with being misunderstood / autistic burnout

Hello K

I'm sorry for what you're going through and there's quite a bit that I relate to in your post. The disconnection is rough, especially when it involves really close relatives, as it often does.

For me the frustration and hurt turned to grief and anger when i realised that they can't / won't and have never actually been there in the way i needed / wanted them to be. It was a very harsh awakening - that nobody is coming to save me feeling. But dealing with the truth was simpler in the end than willing them to change. 

I still have a relationship with both my parents but it's different now. I try to be the emotional cheerleader I needed them to be for myself. I share parts of my life that I feel safe sharing and I have boundaries. I ain't meeting up in places that overwhelm me (including their houses quite a lot of the time). I don't spend time with them when they're drinking alcohol. A whiff of toxic behaviour and I'm out the door with an excuse of a candle left burning or a migraine. I don't speak to them about my neurodivergence or emotional wellbeing - I have found that speaking to strangers on the internet is much more helpful. Lol! Most importantly, I don't try to be an emotional support for either of them. If they can't or won't hold my hand then I can't hold theirs.

But we do have a cuppa, have a laugh about daft things we see or hear and help each other out with practical things. So it's not all bad. I think I'm doing the best I can in a messy situation. For now at least.

x

Hi Angela, thanks so much for writing this reply. It's really helped me feel better knowing others are going through a similar thing. I hadn't thought about it as 'grief' before, but I think this is exactly what I'm experiencing. It really feels like the end of the world and like I can't see a way out. I don't think I can accept that she won't understand me and feels like I can't move on.

It sounds like you've figured out a good way to keep the relationship with your parents while maintaining your boundaries. Do you have other people that get you and that you can talk to about things instead? 

I imagine I need to create a similar distance with my Mum, it's just that I am a real black and white / all or nothing thinker which is something I really struggle with - so for me it feels like I can either have a close relationship with her or have nothing at all.  I also think that because I am most unmasked in front of her, I will probably have to resort to masking in order to keep a lot of my emotion and need for understanding to myself. 

Without trusting that my Mum understands my needs and will stick up for me in certain situations, it also means it limits me feeling able to see other family members. I usually only see other family when with her, but I haven't seen them in over a year now. I don't exactly miss them or feel a big need to see them, but I do worry what that means for things like that. I would need her to build trust with me so that I feel able to rely on her in those situations so not sure where that leaves me if that doesn't end up happening. Feels a bit silly me needing my mum that much since I'm in my thirties lol but I think it's because I don't get support anywhere else.

x

I don’t think it’s silly at all! I’m 46, and I know I’ll always miss the relationship I thought I had — and was so dependent on — with my mum. I’m married and my husband’s a good man, but he doesn’t pretend to understand how autism (and ADHD, trauma, perimenopause etc.) shape my experiences. What he is very good at is helping me regulate. He works away for three weeks out of every six, so half the time I’m managing alone with our now almost grown-up kids. My girls are both undiagnosed ND, so it’s full-on, but helping them navigate their challenges actually brings me some peace — it feels like I’m breaking that unhelpful parenting cycle.

I also find it hard to understand how a parent could see their child (of any age) suffering and not want to ease it. But I’ve realised it’s such a common thread in ND families — maybe because of their own unhealed stuff or trauma.

I’m a very black-and-white thinker too. My counsellor once talked about something called “both/and” thinking, and it really stuck with me. It’s the idea that more than one thing can be true at the same time — for example, I’m angry and frustrated with my parents, and I can still choose to spend time with them. Or I’m strong and struggling. Scared and brave. That kind of thing.

For me, that shift helped soften the extremes a little — it made space for complexity instead of feeling like I had to pick one truth or the other. You mentioned needing support but not being able to rely on your mum — maybe both/and thinking could be something to gently explore when you’re ready. I also found DBT alongside counselling helpful in making sense of things and finding a bit more coherence.

Go gently with yourself x

I don’t think it’s silly at all! I’m 46, and I know I’ll always miss the relationship I thought I had — and was so dependent on — with my mum. I’m married and my husband’s a good man, but he doesn’t pretend to understand how autism (and ADHD, trauma, perimenopause etc.) shape my experiences. What he is very good at is helping me regulate. He works away for three weeks out of every six, so half the time I’m managing alone with our now almost grown-up kids. My girls are both undiagnosed ND, so it’s full-on, but helping them navigate their challenges actually brings me some peace — it feels like I’m breaking that unhelpful parenting cycle.

I also find it hard to understand how a parent could see their child (of any age) suffering and not want to ease it. But I’ve realised it’s such a common thread in ND families — maybe because of their own unhealed stuff or trauma.

I’m a very black-and-white thinker too. My counsellor once talked about something called “both/and” thinking, and it really stuck with me. It’s the idea that more than one thing can be true at the same time — for example, I’m angry and frustrated with my parents, and I can still choose to spend time with them. Or I’m strong and struggling. Scared and brave. That kind of thing.

For me, that shift helped soften the extremes a little — it made space for complexity instead of feeling like I had to pick one truth or the other. You mentioned needing support but not being able to rely on your mum — maybe both/and thinking could be something to gently explore when you’re ready. I also found DBT alongside counselling helpful in making sense of things and finding a bit more coherence.

Go gently with yourself x