30yrs of mess to untangle

Yeah, alexithymia rules ...ask me in 3 days time (then I might have processed enough to know the answer to "how do you feel?").

Some people find they can answer easier via writing instead of speaking.

Other people can access and express / share emotions easier via creative outlets such as doodling / sketching / painting / mindful photography / mime.

This! I can't process emotional stuff in real time at all. There'll be a situation that doesn't feel right and it's only after I tell someone about it and they react I can figure it out. Eg. "Weren't you scared?" "Oh, that makes sense"

Ooh interesting. I'll experiment with this idea

Sometimes I feel either "right" or "wrong". I'd really have to stop and think (for a few hours) to figure out things in more detail.

I think that mostly what is going on is that I'm stressed and, depending on the circumstances, I get a fight, flight, freeze, fawn or flop reaction. "Fight" seems to be my favourite—I start feeling angry. Each reaction feels different, but the underlying cause is the same. If I take steps to reduce my stress level, I'll feel better. The trouble often is that I don't know what is stressing me. For example, I didn't know that noise stresses me until recently. I now wear NC earbuds in noisy environments and I feel much calmer.

I wonder if instead of thinking of emotions like happy or sad, you could have been more abstract, like up or down, fast or slow, sharp or foggy, overloaded or calm.

Does that make any sense?

Thank you! This is really helpful information.

i agree about CBT I have found a lot of therapy doesn't actually help.

One therapeutic situation now really stands out. There was a group therapy day unit I attended where every morning we had to sit in a circle and go round giving a word for how we felt that day. I would say I don't know, because I didn't know, then I would get told I was with holding from the process and pressured in front of everyone else. Eventually I just started picking random emotions so that they left me alone.

Of the many conditions I've been diagnosed with that there seems to still be a consensus that I am, is bipolar. But I seem to be able to describe the different states only in terms of how fast my brain is going and how much sleep I need, rather than happy or sad. This has lead to them not realising the severity of a depression or manic episode at times until things have spiralled considerably.

I'm very reluctant to come out as neurodivergent in the world as I've long ago stopped sharing my mental health conditions with anyone except my closest friends. I just hide away when it gets obvious and only have one or two trusted drs.

Hello Monkeyclogs and welcome.

Generally, the National Autistic Society website has good guidance information.  However, in my view, if there were any slightly weaker area; it would be around mental health and the particular support needs of Autistic people (particularly adults / older adults) successfully accessing mental health services.

Mental health isn't only about anxiety and depression.  The intersection of mental health, physical health and Autism considerations is poor.  I am not saying this to make you sad.  Rather, I am reflecting upon lived experience and encouraging you to trust your instincts to learn more and advocate for your personal Autism support needs when accessing mental health services.

Mental health clinicians can lack confidence and experience in correctly engaging with Autistic people.  Another issue is that even within psychology services teams ...stigma may mean those Autistic personnel may still feel career pressure not to have disclosed their own Autism to colleagues - and here you are holding up an uncomfortable mirror of Autism.

I have been genuinely surprised how nin Neurodivergent considerate engagement with leading University departments responsible for training the next generation if clinical psychologists can be.

If you have felt some if these themes - I wanted you to know you are not alone.  Many of us here can identify with that path and experiences.

The CBT that risks encouraging more instead of less masking.  The waiting rooms apparently designed to stress Autistic people, the lack of handshake between Primary and Secondary Care (so work achieved in one team falls to the floor in the next team), the lack of mental health and Autism knowledge in Primary Care, the Hospital appointment diagnostic test environment as far from accessible for Autistic people as you could conceive - the list goes on.

We do ourselves a service by educating ourselves, sharing that knowledge, learning to be bold and assertive in asking for help (from clinicians and other staff, from each other here and anyone else we encounter (the Sunflower Lanyard can be our voice), for requesting reasonable adjustments, for deploying Neurodivergent and My Health Passports - for normalising: we exist and we have legislation in our corner and we require different support to thrive and we will not be quiet about any of that any longer.

Reasonable Adjustments Accessing Mental Health Services:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/seeking-help/asking-for-reasonable-adjustments

Good Practice Guide For Practitioners:

https://www.autism.org.uk/shop/products/books-and-resources/good-practice-guide

Book (also available via Amazon as an eBook and Kindle):

The Autistic Survival Guide To Therapy

By Steph Jones.

(Equally well reviewed by those being treated and clinicians delivering treatment).

https://uk.jkp.com/products/the-autistic-survival-guide-to-therapy

Sunflower Hidden Disabilities Lanyard:

https://hdsunflower.com/uk/

Many of us here "get it" and no, you are not imagining it; mental health support is yet to be provided with Autism support needs being adequately considered - together, we are pushing for suitable improvement.

NAS My Health Passport:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/physical-health/my-health-passport

Looking forward to learning from one another.  Trust your instincts; if an approach feels uncomfortable for you: get it adapted to safeguard your wellbeing.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Grief is a good word for it I think, I hadn't thought of it like that.

We are starting the process of reducing the medication. I was on 5 different drugs and it needs to be done very slowly and carefully as they all interact and have withdrawal symptoms. So far I've got rid of the antipsychotic which is a massive improvement!

As Lonehare12 said, writing things down also seems to work for me. I journal most days about how I’m feeling, situations, disagreements and so on. I even journal for my son who is also diagnosed ASD. 
I find reading it back from time to time helps me remember the progress I made and what helped or hindered me. It’s simple but a very useful tool. 
Meditation has also been very positive, and although I wasn’t sure if it was helpful I would be lost without it. 

It sounds like you have and are facing a lot more than perhaps most would which leaves you in uncharted territory while you try make sense of the new reality facing you since coming to the understanding that you are autistic. There’s always more chances to find someone new and enjoy your life with them, it’s never too late. Don’t sign yourself off, you are obviously a very intelligent and articulate human. 

I don't know what that would be like. But I feel sorry you had to go through it. Hopefully you can have a clear head now, with no drugs?

I was diagnosed just over 3 months ago age 50. The last couple of years have been a struggle for me in terms of really trying to figure myself out. A lot of ups and downs and thought that a diagnosis would give me relief. I have had a tough 3 months and not had the capacity to be present on here that much but I have settled down and feel better about it all now. I am not cross for things not being picked up earlier but I am rather cross about the information available back then. I don’t blame my parents as I hid things so well and my mum did not notice things as she was and is very similar to me. I think the more time that has passed the more comfortable I feel about who I am and the less apologetic I have become in accepting myself. 
Hang in there and I’m happy that you’re potentially discovering who you are. 

I may need some additional help to come to terms with it.

But I had no choice. I could not have continued. I was considering ending it all.

So you have to make choice. I decided to face it and try to figure out why my life had stalled, why I was angry, why I stayed indoors, why I was depressed, why I drank, why I can't sleep, why I was punishing myself, why I had executive function issues, why I was confused, why I struggled to talk to people in informal settings, why I couldn't plan for the future, or face the past, why was just surviving and had no joy from life, why I bottled up stuff for decades (there is more I have not said), etc.

I never really thought about it till I read my psychologists report. It is quite long.

I was emotionally neglected as well, I had a near death experience, I've been quite seriously injured, etc.

The process of discovery re-traumatized me, and I've not had much help to deal with it. I intellectualised it, I couldn't cry in front of the psychologists, so I am not sure I could convince them.

Is it better now?

It is not as bad. It takes time to accept things. I'd sort of hoped in a romantic way to be live with someone for my whole life and share memories. Instead I just have what is in my head.

I've been lucky and unlucky.

You always yearn for what you can't have.

I am making plans now and I want to try and get organised. I need to do more than just endure.

My house looks like a mentally ill person lives there, so I need to sort it out.

You are on the mend now would you say with a better understanding of yourself with autism? The late diagnosed certainly tend to carry the extra burden of “what if” don’t they. I guess though you cannot be enlightened without coming out from the dark. 

I've been on my own for a long time because I thought I was broken. But is was autism and the effects of my childhood. I thought I'd been broken by my ex-partner, but it was a severe meltdown filled with fear, shame and guilt, driven by misunderstanding, masking and burnout. I have only just realised.what happened and that I may not have needed to isolate myself. The drinking was all a coping mechanism, along with the overwork.

I was so confused. My ex also had issues which made it so hard. But we did lots of cool stuff.

I didn't want to be average. I don't know why.

I was diagnosed with ASD at 53 and later this month I'm having an ADHD assessment. I also have treatment resistant depression which is currently kicking me up and down the street.

In the last nine months I've gained a greater understanding of myself but I feel there is so much more to go.

The lack of post diagnosis care is a real issue.

Good luck and take care 

Stuart333 said:

I've cried everyday for 8 months. It is getting better now though

Sorry to hear you were so upset Stuart, that’s a lot of emotion if you cried everyday for most of a year. Brave of you to admit such a thing too though, I wish I could or would cry more, it doesn’t come easily. 

I found out at 56, following burnout and some sort of breakdown,  that I had an explanation for my behaviours. But it meant reframing my past and realising my life could have been very different.

If only I'd taken a different path in 1996 and if today's knowledge had been available. It has been very hard grieving for what might have been.

I've cried everyday for 8 months. It is getting better now though.

It is hard to corral my thoughts, to find suitably powerful distractions and prevent myself thinking about things.

You are far from alone, autism comes in all shapes and sizes and a lot of people slip under the radar. It can be quite the eureka moment once it all clicks into place, it can feel like a shock also.