30yrs of mess to untangle

I found out at 56, following burnout and some sort of breakdown,  that I had an explanation for my behaviours. But it meant reframing my past and realising my life could have been very different.

If only I'd taken a different path in 1996 and if today's knowledge had been available. It has been very hard grieving for what might have been.

I've cried everyday for 8 months. It is getting better now though.

It is hard to corral my thoughts, to find suitably powerful distractions and prevent myself thinking about things.

Stuart333 said:

I've cried everyday for 8 months. It is getting better now though

Sorry to hear you were so upset Stuart, that’s a lot of emotion if you cried everyday for most of a year. Brave of you to admit such a thing too though, I wish I could or would cry more, it doesn’t come easily. 

I've been on my own for a long time because I thought I was broken. But is was autism and the effects of my childhood. I thought I'd been broken by my ex-partner, but it was a severe meltdown filled with fear, shame and guilt, driven by misunderstanding, masking and burnout. I have only just realised.what happened and that I may not have needed to isolate myself. The drinking was all a coping mechanism, along with the overwork.

I was so confused. My ex also had issues which made it so hard. But we did lots of cool stuff.

I didn't want to be average. I don't know why.

It sounds like you have and are facing a lot more than perhaps most would which leaves you in uncharted territory while you try make sense of the new reality facing you since coming to the understanding that you are autistic. There’s always more chances to find someone new and enjoy your life with them, it’s never too late. Don’t sign yourself off, you are obviously a very intelligent and articulate human. 

I may need some additional help to come to terms with it.

But I had no choice. I could not have continued. I was considering ending it all.

So you have to make choice. I decided to face it and try to figure out why my life had stalled, why I was angry, why I stayed indoors, why I was depressed, why I drank, why I can't sleep, why I was punishing myself, why I had executive function issues, why I was confused, why I struggled to talk to people in informal settings, why I couldn't plan for the future, or face the past, why was just surviving and had no joy from life, why I bottled up stuff for decades (there is more I have not said), etc.

I never really thought about it till I read my psychologists report. It is quite long.

I was emotionally neglected as well, I had a near death experience, I've been quite seriously injured, etc.

The process of discovery re-traumatized me, and I've not had much help to deal with it. I intellectualised it, I couldn't cry in front of the psychologists, so I am not sure I could convince them.

Is it better now?

It is not as bad. It takes time to accept things. I'd sort of hoped in a romantic way to be live with someone for my whole life and share memories. Instead I just have what is in my head.

I've been lucky and unlucky.

You always yearn for what you can't have.

I am making plans now and I want to try and get organised. I need to do more than just endure.

My house looks like a mentally ill person lives there, so I need to sort it out.

I may need some additional help to come to terms with it.

But I had no choice. I could not have continued. I was considering ending it all.

So you have to make choice. I decided to face it and try to figure out why my life had stalled, why I was angry, why I stayed indoors, why I was depressed, why I drank, why I can't sleep, why I was punishing myself, why I had executive function issues, why I was confused, why I struggled to talk to people in informal settings, why I couldn't plan for the future, or face the past, why was just surviving and had no joy from life, why I bottled up stuff for decades (there is more I have not said), etc.

I never really thought about it till I read my psychologists report. It is quite long.

I was emotionally neglected as well, I had a near death experience, I've been quite seriously injured, etc.

The process of discovery re-traumatized me, and I've not had much help to deal with it. I intellectualised it, I couldn't cry in front of the psychologists, so I am not sure I could convince them.

Is it better now?

It is not as bad. It takes time to accept things. I'd sort of hoped in a romantic way to be live with someone for my whole life and share memories. Instead I just have what is in my head.

I've been lucky and unlucky.

You always yearn for what you can't have.

I am making plans now and I want to try and get organised. I need to do more than just endure.

My house looks like a mentally ill person lives there, so I need to sort it out.

It sounds like you have and are facing a lot more than perhaps most would which leaves you in uncharted territory while you try make sense of the new reality facing you since coming to the understanding that you are autistic. There’s always more chances to find someone new and enjoy your life with them, it’s never too late. Don’t sign yourself off, you are obviously a very intelligent and articulate human.