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30yrs of mess to untangle

Monkeyclogs

Hi,

Currently at 46yo being assessed for neurodiversity.

I've 32 years of complicated mental health history and at no point did anyone think to check for neurodiversity until now.

Now that they are, I'm realising that autism is potentially the elusive explanation for how the last 32 years have played out and I'm struggling to contain intense distress over everything that could have been avoided if they'd figured this out before.

I should clarify that I've not completed the autism assessment process yet but it's been presented to me more as a 'lets get a comprehensive understanding of your autistic traits' than there being any doubt that I am Autistic.

Is there anyone that has been through similar?

Parents

  • I found out at 56, following burnout and some sort of breakdown,  that I had an explanation for my behaviours. But it meant reframing my past and realising my life could have been very different.

    If only I'd taken a different path in 1996 and if today's knowledge had been available. It has been very hard grieving for what might have been.

    I've cried everyday for 8 months. It is getting better now though.

    It is hard to corral my thoughts, to find suitably powerful distractions and prevent myself thinking about things.

  • in reply to Stuart333
    Stuart333 said:
    I've cried everyday for 8 months. It is getting better now though

    Sorry to hear you were so upset Stuart, that’s a lot of emotion if you cried everyday for most of a year. Brave of you to admit such a thing too though, I wish I could or would cry more, it doesn’t come easily. 

  • in reply to Autismman

    I've been on my own for a long time because I thought I was broken. But is was autism and the effects of my childhood. I thought I'd been broken by my ex-partner, but it was a severe meltdown filled with fear, shame and guilt, driven by misunderstanding, masking and burnout. I have only just realised.what happened and that I may not have needed to isolate myself. The drinking was all a coping mechanism, along with the overwork.

    I was so confused. My ex also had issues which made it so hard. But we did lots of cool stuff.

    I didn't want to be average. I don't know why.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    It sounds like you have and are facing a lot more than perhaps most would which leaves you in uncharted territory while you try make sense of the new reality facing you since coming to the understanding that you are autistic. There’s always more chances to find someone new and enjoy your life with them, it’s never too late. Don’t sign yourself off, you are obviously a very intelligent and articulate human. 

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  • in reply to Stuart333

    It sounds like you have and are facing a lot more than perhaps most would which leaves you in uncharted territory while you try make sense of the new reality facing you since coming to the understanding that you are autistic. There’s always more chances to find someone new and enjoy your life with them, it’s never too late. Don’t sign yourself off, you are obviously a very intelligent and articulate human. 

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