Extreme Self Consciousness problems

John1973 said:

I have hyperhyrdrosis (extreme hand sweating) and when I was about 30 I went to a doctor who said they could cut a nerve in my neck to prevent this happening.

That's the same operation - it deals with both over sweating and blushing.

John1973 said:

I often receive nice attention but I blow it instantly because I'm so uncomfortable when I engage with them that they look horrified at my unease. It's quite soul destroying when that happens.

That happened to me countless times too.

I really very much liked a chap where I worked once and I know he wanted to ask me out but I'd go out of my way to avoid him because of the blushing - it was an opportunity I still feel sad about having missed.

Regarding the tablet, I used to take beta blockers, GP prescribed, for meetings and job interviews.  The are quite effective but this was years ago and I had a helpful GP - I don't know if they'd still be prescribed for this.

I was prescribed Paroxetine for depression and social anxiety and they help the panicking to a degree too.

The only thing I will say is that I eventually settled down with someone who doesn't seem to even see the blushing and social anxiety but sees beyond it to the 'real' me and that's invaluable.

Things can improve but it can take a long time.

Thankyou again, I'll have a look at these too

That was interesting Debbie, when you said about cutting the vein it was very reminiscent of something that happened to me. I have hyperhyrdrosis (extreme hand sweating) and when I was about 30 I went to a doctor who said they could cut a nerve in my neck to prevent this happening. I was advised by almost everyone that this wasn't a good idea so like you I didn't do it.

I totally agree with you on your 2 points. Unlike the stereotype of Aspies that we don't feel things, I think we feel some things less than average, but other things to huge excess.

Regarding attention from the opposite sex, I seem to be more attractive now than when I was younger which has been surprising. I often receive nice attention but I blow it instantly because I'm so uncomfortable when I engage with them that they look horrified at my unease. It's quite soul destroying when that happens.

I've also stopped seeing my more extrovert friends, they would often have other friends at their house which was just too much of an ordeal to go to see them. It's such a shame, wouldn't it be great to find a tablet that made you not care so much.

John1973 said:

Thanks Debbie,I must admit the thought of asking other people is terrifying, particularly if I know them personally

It was hard for me too because, inevitably, I was blushing whilst asking.

However, their replies helped.

I think that the worst thing is with people I don't know very well - I still blush with family and close friends but they are used to me and because it's a nervous response, I'm more relaxed, and probably blush less ferociously and for a shorter time.

I once saw a doctor to ask for an operation where a nerve is cut to stop the blushing response but he said he didn't think I should do it - he blushed himself (in fact, we were blushing in unison) but he seemed more relaxed about it than me.

I think that because we are autistic maybe 2 things in particular influence us:

1.  Our communication differences make us already on edge in speaking to others and

2.  I think that we feel things more deeply than allistics.  Many a time I've spoken to someone about something I've said in the past and apologised and they weren't even aware of what had occurred.

When I was young I'd be looked at a lot and really hated it but nowadays, as I've aged and lost my looks, I've become one of the invisible older people, and that's possibly the only advantage!

I also see people far less than I once did and have let old friends go as the interactions were so very stressful.

I feel for you and wish you well with this.

That suggestion from Alex Wilson sounds worth a try.

Two more things I can think off:

1) The book "The Autistic Survival Guide To Therapy" by Steph Jones:

https://uk.jkp.com/products/the-autistic-survival-guide-to-therapy

2) The free to download PDF by NAS & Mind "The Good Practice Guide" (how to adapt mental health talking therapies):

https://s2.chorus-mk.thirdlight.com/file/24/asDKIN9as.klK7easFDsalAzTC/NAS-Good-Practice-Guide-A4.pdf

Thanks O&U I'll look into it more

Thankyou Dormouse, as it happens I have contacted Alex Wilson personally as his Youtube video echoed my experience perfectly. Most standard therapies assume the problem is all in your head and not real, whereas for many ASD people it's actually real that you don't quite fit with many people socially. He hadn't done any more research when I contacted him but he advised that I print out his thesis and hand it to therapists. 

Thanks Rosie, I'll look into those links

Thanks Debbie,I must admit the thought of asking other people is terrifying, particularly if I know them personally. I may be comfortable asking therapists.

John1973 said:

Does anyone else have this same issue or ideas on what I can do?

I've always blushed very easily and still do.

It's held me back a lot in life especially with regard to relationships and jobs.

I saw a CBT therapist years ago (long before my awareness of being autistic).

The referral was for social anxiety.

She did help me in a couple of ways by asking me to ask others a) whether they were aware of my blushing and b) did they perceive me as a socially anxious person.

I asked one family member and a couple of friends who have known me for many years and their replies surprised me ie that I'm confident and although they know I blush sometimes, they weren't aware of it to the degree I am.

Asking others how they perceive you can help you to reassess your own perceptions of yourself.

Dear John1973,

I am sorry to hear that you have been experiencing extreme self consciousness problems when socialising in person. It is good to hear that you feel you can still socialise with people over the phone. We can see that other Online Community users have given you some helpful advice. 

You may like to have a look at the mental health section of our website which has useful links to information and advice about a range of mental health issues: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health 

If you feel that you might need some support with your mental health, you can find advice and information on how to go about seeking help, including links to other resources and details of helplines and listening support services, here: www.autism.org.uk/.../seeking-help. 

If you are interested in counselling (NHS & private), you may like to have a look at the Autism Services Directory: https://www.autism.org.uk/directory under ‘Health & Counsellors’. 

This guide produced by NAS may be of interest. It collates suggestions on ways professionals can make mental health talking therapies better for autistic people.   

Content note- the guide contains sections on suicide and self-harm: Good practice guide for professionals delivering therapy

I hope this is helpful. 

Kind Regards,

Rosie Mod

Research is ongoing with regard to social anxiety as experienced by Autistic people and what type of therapy approach is likely helpful versus detrimental..

One of the researchers working in this field is Dr Alex Wilson of Newcastle University.

To read more:

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/epub/10.1177/13623613241251513

Wilson, A. C., & Gullon-Scott, F. (2024). ‘It’s not always textbook social anxiety’: A survey-based study investigating the nature of social anxiety and experiences of therapy in autistic people. Autism, 28(11), 2923-2936. doi.org/.../13623613241251513 (Original work published 2024)

To watch a webinar on the material (55:47 minutes):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QN37lT-YlJg

[At the time of the webinar] Dr Alex Wilson is currently [2023 / 2024] completing his training as a Clinical Psychologist at Newcastle University. Before this, he completed a PhD at Oxford University, focusing on communication in autistic people. He is interested in improving psychological services for neurodivergent people and individuals with long-term neurological conditions.

The NAS has some pages you might like to access on anxiety which could contain helpful information

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/anxiety

You may also consider speaking to Primary care about some talking therapy - which you can arrange yourself, or via your GP