Dealing with bad news.

Hello! 
It is great to hear that you’re doing a bit better. I didn’t see the post before, as I was inactive at that time, but let me just say that I’m very sorry for what you’re going through. Knowing that the prognosis is good doesn’t automatically make it seem all good. Back when my father was diagnosed I didn’t know how to feel, but eventually I was overwhelmed with emotion and then felt bad about it, because “there was no reason for it”. It’s okay to feel negative emotions, whatever the prognosis is. Just allow yourself some time to work through all this, it’ll get better eventually. 

I wish you and your friend all the best!

Dear All, Thank you so much for your responses. 

My friend has had her surgery and is just waiting for her results to know what happens next. I went and saw last week and it was okay. I feel more grounded now and better able to support her. 

Your comments have all been so comforting to me and I would like to thank you all again. I have kept coming back and re-reading them and it has really helped.

Mrs Snooks

I think it’s normal to feel strong emotions in this situation and I wouldn’t try to fight that. I think that crying is a healthy response to sadness and stress and helpful for the body and mind. Let yourself feel what you feel, take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. The better you are feeling the more helpful you will be in supporting your friend. It sounds like the prognosis is good - you have every reason to hope that you and your friend are going to emerge from this and one day it will just be a memory and you can move on with your lives. 

Dear Mrs Snooks,

I am extremely sorry you are going through this right now. I have personal experience and know how challenging cancer can be for people to go through, not just those who suffer but those around them who have to watch as it happens.

I once spoke to an oncologist who reminded me of the single most important thing. It’s got a good survival rate. It’s not terminal, important to keep reminding yourself of this. And another good reminder is to be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. There’s no right or wrong way to react and everything you are feeling right now is completely normal.

Lastly, easier said than done I know but try not to over think it. When you think of cancer you naturally think the worst but survival rates are higher these days than thirty years ago. It’s a horrible thing to go through for the cancer patient and family and friends but don’t over think it. Just take it a day at a time, cry when you need to, talk to someone if you need to, don’t go through it on your own.

Feel free to hit me up if you ever need to chat about how you're feeling my PMs are open. Take care, thinking of you x.

Last year, I was dealing with a similar scenario (a long term friend undergoing cancer treatment) plus loads of my own challenges all at the same time.  The friend is fortunate to have completed their treatment plan and, this year, they have dared to start filling their diary with things to which they would like to look forward to doing.

Reflecting upon some of what my side of the experience felt like; I think it taught me some things which I had perhaps not before considered.  The headline realisation for me was: that I really don't have many people within my inner circle - so those who do fall into that category can mean a lot more to me (certainly, it would seem, more so than other people around me would seem to understand in respect of how such traumatic news impacts me).  I was shocked  / unnerved that two of my closest relatives really did not "get it" (despite my talking with them about it at the time last year).

I think it unlikely that I have finished thinking about it all.  I suspect that is natural in the circumstances (maybe particularly so for an Autistic person).

Struggling to be grounded by thinking of three positive things isn't something which happens every day (there are up days and down days).

Wishing you (and your Friend) the best available fortune on your respective journeys through your own scenarios.

Hello mrs.snooks,

I would very much like to show my support for you, at this tricky time.

It is really tough when we get serious and sad news like this.  There isn't a right -v- wrong way to deal with this sort of news.....it all depends on so many different variables.....and that is probably one of the reasons that "we" can find it so hard to process such things 'to our satisfaction.'

So....in terms of potential "help," all I can do is tell you what I find myself doing in situations like the one you face.  I have experienced a few of these type of "episodes" in my life and I have found that separating out, and separately dealing with the 3 parts, is very helpful to me.  

So the three parts are as follows;

1=The person who has been diagnosed - what they might need - what they might want - what I might be able to provide to help.

2=The immediate family / closest friends of the person who has been diagnosed - what they might need - what they might want - what I might be able to provide to help.

3=Me  How do I feel this news and the inevitable practical impacts of that news are going to affect me, both now, and in the short to medium term.  I give myself time to be by myself to reflect on these things.....and to grieve and process MY change from (happy, business as usual mode) to (oh bug gar, this is bad news!)

Being able to dedicate your soul and sole focus on [1] when you are with them or speaking to them is invaluable (in my opinion)......it stops me from becoming upset and enables me to be "useful" to them.  HOWEVER, I also MUST also dedicate separate time and energy on [3] ie processing MY feelings on the matter, in order to have that healthy sole focus on them during my time with them.  And then there is [2].....and in my experience, this is the most confusing and awkward element of these situations because there are so many different reactions and needs exposed by the various humans (and pets, quite often) by this type of news.

If you are short on bandwidth and spoons at the moment, I would recommend just focusing on [1] and [3] at the moment....but do this separately, but in tandem with each other.

Cancer is nasty, but it can be beaten, so please don't prematurely loose hope for the situation.

I wish you only positive thoughts, a strong will and firm focus.

Best wishes to you.

Yours

Number.

Hello,

Unfortunately, I had to stop writing to a friend because her memory was getting worse (she had a brain tumour); luckily, she has got support workers, and unfortunately, she lives on her own. Plus she has these ideas like having a home gym. Last year, I decided to break contact with her and only send cards for birthdays and Christmas.

Can you take any time off to process the shock? With the work colleagues, they're not your friends, and is there somewhere safe for you to sit quietly, e.g. a church or library?  Ages ago, someone I know died, and a former colleague said we all die. No sympathy.