Published on 12, July, 2020
I once saw a television programme where the autistic teenager was being bullied at school. His reponse was to wish the bullies death as a just punishment. His mother seemed shocked and had to talk him out of such malice.
I had the same experience in school - I did not know I was autistic at the time - and I also felt justified in thinking of murdering the boys who bullied me. I did not act on it but celebrated the suicide of one years later.
I have the same responses as an adult to imaginary insults and other seemingly offensive comments and statements.
I realise how appalling my thinking and reactions are.
I am not interested in how justified I was in my response.
What are the strategies to handling my witness of my own evil?
I suppose none of us are innocent. We all have these things about us that are not who we want to be. Alan watts talks about it. Suppressed emotions can linger causing us to feel bitter and resentful. I don’t know why autistic people are more susceptible to bullying but it appears to be caused by the fact that autistic people can seem uncaring and insensitive to social cues etc. This makes autistic people the victim of bullying but it is justified bullying in a neurotypical persons head as they see us as uncaring and acting in a socially inappropriate way which to them justifies they’re bullying of us. It doesn’t make sense to us because we are mind blind and that means we have no cognitive empathy this just means we can’t read the minds of others like NTs can do. We do have affective empathy that means we feel love but don’t know what it is at the same time. This causes us a lot of stress. Yeh I get where you’re coming from though. I don’t blame you for celebrating someone who caused you so much pains death. I don’t judge you either. But I would try and have sympathy for them as you never know maybe they felt guilty about bullying you. You just never know. You should try and be the better person and send love and compassion to these bullies. They are not the ones to show hate to just don’t bother wasting your time. Be the bigger person. It’s easy to wish people death but it’s hard to wish these people who caused you pain love and compassion.
Hi,
As others have mentioned, I believe that you are holding yourself to a standard that, on the surface, seems arbitrary, at the least. Isn't what you have described consciousness? Are you not choosing consciously to rise above an unsophisticated behaviour, opinion, or communication?
Given that you have chosen to interact on the NAS, I think it is safe to assume you are a member of the neurodiverse community, and communication and society are generally a struggle. Considering all of that, is it not more appropriate to praise your efforts rather than punishing yourself for what is essentially what makes you human?
It seems that you could benefit from some reflection on your value system and an understanding of how you view your intrinsic worth. The last time I checked, Thought Crime was only a concept in George Orwell's 1984. Nobody ever went to prison for thinking about committing a crime without also committing the crime in question. I suggest cutting yourself some slack.
I absolutely agree! I experienced similar thoughts related to a person who caused me awful trauma. I didn’t do anything violent but had such thoughts. I have never considered that could be related to autism. I think it’s normal response something like wish to take revenge, throw out the anger or exactly stop the bad one from hurting us.
I think Martin's right, it is normal and you are holding yourself to very high standards. Even the police know the difference between someone saying 'I'll kill him when he gets in' as a normal anger response and a serious threat of violence.
I do not regard ill-wishing others as being evil, unless acted upon. Desire for revenge is entirely normal in human beings and has been recognised in non-human primates. Like humans, chimpanzees retaliate against personally harmful actions. You seem to be holding yourself to unreasonable standards.
Speaking personally, I once seriously considered beating one bully about the head with a hammer, just to stop the bullying, but did not do so. I do not consider myself morally reprehensible, as I did not act on the impulse. As autistics are poor at communication and social skills, we often cannot devise a social-based strategy for getting out of situations where we are being bullied, therefore we tend towards the use of, or thoughts about, more radical physical means. Don't beat yourself up about it (humour intended).