Published on 12, July, 2020
I once saw a television programme where the autistic teenager was being bullied at school. His reponse was to wish the bullies death as a just punishment. His mother seemed shocked and had to talk him out of such malice.
I had the same experience in school - I did not know I was autistic at the time - and I also felt justified in thinking of murdering the boys who bullied me. I did not act on it but celebrated the suicide of one years later.
I have the same responses as an adult to imaginary insults and other seemingly offensive comments and statements.
I realise how appalling my thinking and reactions are.
I am not interested in how justified I was in my response.
What are the strategies to handling my witness of my own evil?
I do not regard ill-wishing others as being evil, unless acted upon. Desire for revenge is entirely normal in human beings and has been recognised in non-human primates. Like humans, chimpanzees retaliate against personally harmful actions. You seem to be holding yourself to unreasonable standards.
Speaking personally, I once seriously considered beating one bully about the head with a hammer, just to stop the bullying, but did not do so. I do not consider myself morally reprehensible, as I did not act on the impulse. As autistics are poor at communication and social skills, we often cannot devise a social-based strategy for getting out of situations where we are being bullied, therefore we tend towards the use of, or thoughts about, more radical physical means. Don't beat yourself up about it (humour intended).
I absolutely agree! I experienced similar thoughts related to a person who caused me awful trauma. I didn’t do anything violent but had such thoughts. I have never considered that could be related to autism. I think it’s normal response something like wish to take revenge, throw out the anger or exactly stop the bad one from hurting us.
I think Martin's right, it is normal and you are holding yourself to very high standards. Even the police know the difference between someone saying 'I'll kill him when he gets in' as a normal anger response and a serious threat of violence.