Published on 12, July, 2020
I once saw a television programme where the autistic teenager was being bullied at school. His reponse was to wish the bullies death as a just punishment. His mother seemed shocked and had to talk him out of such malice.
I had the same experience in school - I did not know I was autistic at the time - and I also felt justified in thinking of murdering the boys who bullied me. I did not act on it but celebrated the suicide of one years later.
I have the same responses as an adult to imaginary insults and other seemingly offensive comments and statements.
I realise how appalling my thinking and reactions are.
I am not interested in how justified I was in my response.
What are the strategies to handling my witness of my own evil?
Hi,
As others have mentioned, I believe that you are holding yourself to a standard that, on the surface, seems arbitrary, at the least. Isn't what you have described consciousness? Are you not choosing consciously to rise above an unsophisticated behaviour, opinion, or communication?
Given that you have chosen to interact on the NAS, I think it is safe to assume you are a member of the neurodiverse community, and communication and society are generally a struggle. Considering all of that, is it not more appropriate to praise your efforts rather than punishing yourself for what is essentially what makes you human?
It seems that you could benefit from some reflection on your value system and an understanding of how you view your intrinsic worth. The last time I checked, Thought Crime was only a concept in George Orwell's 1984. Nobody ever went to prison for thinking about committing a crime without also committing the crime in question. I suggest cutting yourself some slack.