Funerals - how to stop crying even when you aren’t close to someone

Given other people don’t know I’m practising and I am there because I know them somehow, I don’t think it’s unacceptable but I do agree it’s not helped - hence asking here. My emotions seem to be the same whether I know them vaguely or well so I feel a bit different to you. I think one of my difficulties is that I like to control things so yes, I do think that needs work. Based on Alexios’s suggestion, I’ve created a fiddle stress ball that ties around my wrist (so it doesn’t bounce away mid-hymn (although that might help distract me ;D)) so I’ll give that a try at my aunt’s who sadly died yesterday. I’m also reading up on small talk for funerals. This is helping https://ask.metafilter.com/362267/Funeral-smalltalk Thanks for your help too.

I like that idea, thank you. I think I’d find it tough talking to them about what they want but I could start my own ideas.

I’m not really sure if it’s acceptable to go to peoples funeral’s to ‘practice’ - and I’m not convinced it will be helpful for you either. Ever funeral is different because it’s all dependent on your feelings for the person involved. I would just accept that you will ‘feel how you feel’ when the time comes and if you cry or don’t cry it’s ok. You can’t predict it. I cried at my mother-in-laws funeral but I didn’t cry at my own mother’s funeral - which wasn’t what I expected. You just have to let your emotions do what they do. We can’t control some things and it can be helpful to just accept that.

TheListener said:

I can’t cope with the sympathy people want to give - yet I can talk about her and events with her quite happil

I think you have the key there. You talk about your dog as if celebrating her life and the positivity of this stops you from descending into a soggy mess.

It may also help to talk to your parents about what they want to be said at their funeral. Give them a chance to create the narrative and I suspect they will want it to be more of a party than a wake, so it is dissapointing that society spends so much time mourning and not enough celebrating those who die.

Maybe start writing your own scrap book biographies of those you are closest to and this will give you more to call on when you need to remember them in a positive way rather than missing them. Get some videos, audio clips etc over time and you will have enough for an eulogy in the format they would want.

What better way to have a funeral than by the hand of the person you are there for.

I can’t tell you how helpful that is to read, thank you. I’ve never tried having something to fiddle with - it’s definitely worth an go and the book idea would be right up my street. 

I've worried about this too. When I was young I went to my grandmas funeral and didn't cry at all I just felt numb. but then a few years later my ex-stepmums mother died I wasn't close with her but she did look after me now and then. I couldn't stop crying, it felt so unnatural and unreasonable because I wasn't close with them. It's so weird.

A few years ago I had to go to my granddads funeral. I helped carry the coffin, and I couldn't see I was crying to much cause of the music. luckily my brother was on the other side so it made it a bit less taxing. Once the music was over I didn't cry to much. I cried a lot leading up to the funeral, I think that helped keep me a bit more in control.

Maybe having something to fiddle with to keep you a little distracted from crying might help? see it as whatever it is if your emotions are sealed within it as you fidget with it. I do this a lot when I'm outside feeling overwhelmed and wanting to cry. Also going to the toilet for a couple minutes of quite to compose myself. Not sure if this will help.

Sorry it's not really any tips. It's an unusual situation, but  you shouldn't feel like you should go to practice funerals to try prepare, as you will generally never know how you will act each time. Even with people you're close to, you might not cry or people you don't know you might cry more. Sometimes it just depends on the day and how the service is like.

I also fear for when the few people I'm close with die. Like if my mum or partner die before me, I know I'll be a complete mess, I don't think id be able to speak. I think I would make sure someone else could either be there with me or in my stead to give people who are there giving their sympathy's. I would rather them be in a book to read over in my own time. I know I wouldn't be able to cope if it was just me. Personally, I don't see not doing that part of the funeral as a bad thing, as you can implement other things like a book. 

I hope everything is okay, and remember to be kind to yourself. It's okay to feel the emotions, but don't feel guilty if you can't control them. 

Sending love.