Published on 12, July, 2020
I go to funerals for practice. Death was swept under the carpet for me as a child by my parents. Me and my sister weren’t allowed to go to my grandpa’s funeral and our dog died shortly after - neither were talked about really. I was 10. I don’t know if this is the cause of my upset at funerals but I can’t stop crying - even for a next door neighbour or someone I knew of online but hadn’t met. It feels like the funeral place itself triggers the emotion and offering sympathy to relatives at the exit procession has me in floods.
So, I decided to go to funerals for practice. I have been to a few for people I barely knew. I’m not getting any better and I’m worried that when it’s someone that means a huge amount to me (e.g. dad), I’ll be a wreck. I know crying is normal but I fear that line up they do outside the funeral where everyone gives the family sympathy. Will I have to do that?
My dog died recently (I was devastated but she was old and we’d had an amazing life together). I can’t cope with the sympathy people want to give - yet I can talk about her and events with her quite happily to anyone.
Does anyone have any advice for funerals please apart from, it’s OK to cry? I know it’s OK but I don’t want to. I want to cry in my own space in my own time. A few tears is OK but I want to be able to have some level of control on my emotions. I’d rather let everyone go to the funeral and not be there at all - even for close family. I’d like people who want to meet, meet, and people who don’t, don’t. I don’t think this is acceptable though!
My elderly aunt is currently in ICU. I don’t feel emotional about her and didn’t have a close relationship but I think she is close to the end hence the thoughts about the next funeral! Hints and tips happily received!
I’m not really sure if it’s acceptable to go to peoples funeral’s to ‘practice’ - and I’m not convinced it will be helpful for you either. Ever funeral is different because it’s all dependent on your feelings for the person involved. I would just accept that you will ‘feel how you feel’ when the time comes and if you cry or don’t cry it’s ok. You can’t predict it. I cried at my mother-in-laws funeral but I didn’t cry at my own mother’s funeral - which wasn’t what I expected. You just have to let your emotions do what they do. We can’t control some things and it can be helpful to just accept that.
Given other people don’t know I’m practising and I am there because I know them somehow, I don’t think it’s unacceptable but I do agree it’s not helped - hence asking here. My emotions seem to be the same whether I know them vaguely or well so I feel a bit different to you. I think one of my difficulties is that I like to control things so yes, I do think that needs work. Based on Alexios’s suggestion, I’ve created a fiddle stress ball that ties around my wrist (so it doesn’t bounce away mid-hymn (although that might help distract me ;D)) so I’ll give that a try at my aunt’s who sadly died yesterday. I’m also reading up on small talk for funerals. This is helping https://ask.metafilter.com/362267/Funeral-smalltalk Thanks for your help too.