Published on 12, July, 2020
I go to funerals for practice. Death was swept under the carpet for me as a child by my parents. Me and my sister weren’t allowed to go to my grandpa’s funeral and our dog died shortly after - neither were talked about really. I was 10. I don’t know if this is the cause of my upset at funerals but I can’t stop crying - even for a next door neighbour or someone I knew of online but hadn’t met. It feels like the funeral place itself triggers the emotion and offering sympathy to relatives at the exit procession has me in floods.
So, I decided to go to funerals for practice. I have been to a few for people I barely knew. I’m not getting any better and I’m worried that when it’s someone that means a huge amount to me (e.g. dad), I’ll be a wreck. I know crying is normal but I fear that line up they do outside the funeral where everyone gives the family sympathy. Will I have to do that?
My dog died recently (I was devastated but she was old and we’d had an amazing life together). I can’t cope with the sympathy people want to give - yet I can talk about her and events with her quite happily to anyone.
Does anyone have any advice for funerals please apart from, it’s OK to cry? I know it’s OK but I don’t want to. I want to cry in my own space in my own time. A few tears is OK but I want to be able to have some level of control on my emotions. I’d rather let everyone go to the funeral and not be there at all - even for close family. I’d like people who want to meet, meet, and people who don’t, don’t. I don’t think this is acceptable though!
My elderly aunt is currently in ICU. I don’t feel emotional about her and didn’t have a close relationship but I think she is close to the end hence the thoughts about the next funeral! Hints and tips happily received!
TheListener said:I can’t cope with the sympathy people want to give - yet I can talk about her and events with her quite happil
I think you have the key there. You talk about your dog as if celebrating her life and the positivity of this stops you from descending into a soggy mess.
It may also help to talk to your parents about what they want to be said at their funeral. Give them a chance to create the narrative and I suspect they will want it to be more of a party than a wake, so it is dissapointing that society spends so much time mourning and not enough celebrating those who die.
Maybe start writing your own scrap book biographies of those you are closest to and this will give you more to call on when you need to remember them in a positive way rather than missing them. Get some videos, audio clips etc over time and you will have enough for an eulogy in the format they would want.
What better way to have a funeral than by the hand of the person you are there for.
I like that idea, thank you. I think I’d find it tough talking to them about what they want but I could start my own ideas.