Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi :) I'm not really sure what I want out of this- I think I just want a place to get things off my chest to a community of people who may understand my way of thinking. I haven't spoken to anyone about it either but I know that can help. TW for anyone who might need it- It's about ED's in quite some depth (but not in any way promoting it!) and touches lightly on SA.
So recently (as in the past week) I've found a strange comfort in eating as little as possible. I've always been food-obsessed. I was lucky enough not to have any food aversions but I did grow up with an "almond mum"- she has always been obsessive about healthy eating and calorie counting which is fine but now I'm older, I can recognise that in her case, it's to an unhealthy point where her whole life is based around food and how much she can restrict it. (she is likely autistic too but she hasn't been diagnosed like me) I've always loved food and find a LOT of comfort in eating but my mum always made sure I didn't eat "too much" and I guess that stuck with me because as soon as I moved out, I hired a nutritionist to guide me on calorie counting and getting/maintaining the "perfect" body.
I've recently moved to a new city. I had to stop working with the nutritionist to be able to afford my new rent but I continued to calorie count. It's been a terrible first few months here. The huge life change being one of them- a new city and my first time living all alone. I didn't know anyone besides my boyfriend and last week he broke up with me so now I'm in a strange city with no one. I'm struggling to keep up at work because of all the chaos and just general autistic/adhd figuring out what my additional needs are and how to advocate for them. I also have been burnt in the past with multiple cases of pretty serious sexual assault that, to this day, no one knows about. Every SA inncident involved me thinking I was making new friends and then finding out, in the worst way possible, that these people weren't my friends. I'm so isolated in my flat and I'm terrified that I'm going to unknowingly walk into a horrid situation for the fourth time. How can I tell the difference between the people who are friends and the people who want to hurt me? my executive functioning is a mess for bills and chores and I'm scared of the laundrette (ridiculous I know but I've never been and I don't understand how it works!)
In the last month, my calorie counting has become obsessive. Along with the fact that I can't have gluten or dairy and I'm really financially tight at the moment (I can't afford heating, let alone allergen-safe ready meals) I'm in tears all the time, overwhelmed by figuring out how many calories I can or can't eat- there is so much maths involved and I obsess over the tiniest things- last weekend I was on the train trying not to cry because I was so hungry but I couldn't figure out how many calories were in a TicTac.
So, last week my boyfriend broke up with me (he didn't really know about all this- it was just because there wasn't much spark in our relationship anymore). I lost the only person I knew in the area, my only safe social interaction and, worst of all, all I had left of a routine. Now I can barely even get up for a shower because I don't have any landmarks in my week and without warning, all my plans have been completely thrown off.
On top of this, I lost my appetite. But on day one of the breakup, I found that not eating much food pretty much relieved all the stress around calorie counting, which had become the focus of my life. Quieting that part of my brain by skipping all three meals and just having the occasional snack brought me just a little peace amid the chaos. I've been eating between 600-1000 calories a day (nowhere near enough to function btw but that's just the thing, I'm not functioning at the moment, I'm just lying on my sofa paralysed) Yesterday, I got my appetite back and I was finally hungry again but when I went to the kitchen to get some food, I couldn't bring myself to do it. when I eat, or when I'm even around food, I feel completely out of control and even though I can acknowledge that I'm not in control right now either, restricting food feels like control and in my life right now, I have zero control over anything. my routines could change at any moment, I can't predict who will enter or leave my life and who will hurt me. there's also a lot of admin involved in eating and right now, I don't even have any clean cutlery! On top of this, there is that voice in my head that I've had since childhood (and sadly I think a lot of people also struggle with) cheering me on in the quest to be as skinny as humanly possible because that's how society accepts people.
I suppose this is the sensible part of my brain reaching out for advice because I have a feeling this way of approaching food could get very dangerous very quickly and I'm already reluctant to help myself because its the only sense of purpose/structure/control that I have right now!
Sorry it got a little dark. I usually love how upbeat and positive this forum is! I didn't realise just how sticky my situation was until I wrote it all down!
I am diagnosed with anorexia. I have had an eating disorder since 14. It is definetly connected to my sensory profile, but additionally on top. I'm 51 now. Been to inpatient in my 20s and 40s. I hope you can get help the GP is the first step. The ed has had a massive effect on my life and been a joy stealer.
I'm glad to hear that your life is improving!
Ordering the paper plates is a good idea. I also have dishes pile up during the week, so don't be so hard on yourself! I learned a method of organizing the dishes first, so that all the same kind of bowls and plates are stacked up together, so it looks like there's "less" dishes to do, and it makes everything easy to see. And then I sit down in a chair to do dishes, and watch a video. It's easier to sit than to stand sometimes, especially if you have very little energy.
It's nice that your workplace is accommodating you, and you can work at home, while simultaneously talking to your coworkers online. If the train ticket is £35, how does anyone even afford to travel? It costs so much! I think many people get their social interactions online nowadays anyways, so that's okay. Save some money.
I am really glad that your life is progressing once again. But if it does dips down again, don't be so hard on yourself. Just do what you can. That's all anyone can do. I hope everything in the future continues to progress for you.
Hi everyone! WOW! thank you so much for taking the time to read and write such kind and insightful replies. It really means a lot! I'm still feeling a little out of sorts, the bank holiday really didn't help with the change in routines! But I'm feeling a lot better in myself and although I don't know what the future (immediate or distant!) will look like, I can recognise that this crappy period, like all the others, will pass!
Food wise, my appetite is still a little everywhere but I am eating sufficient calories again! I'm just doing it with constant snacks but I'm aiming for full meals again! When I was completely happy and healthy I would always make two of every meal and freeze one portion. I've worked my way through all those meals but once I'm back cooking properly, I'm looking forward to getting that back. my biggest problem now is that all my dishes have been in the sink all week and my ADHD is throwing a tantrum about washing them so perhaps I might throw in the towel and Amazon some paper plates- just while I'm getting back on track (sorry environment!)
I went to see my parents yesterday which was really nice and I'm working from home today (train strikes- can't catch a break from the routine changes!) but I'm secretly really enjoying all my online meetings because I get to chat with people I know and working makes me feel like I have some purpose and productivity! My work is EXCELLENT with adaptations for neurodiversity. I'm so lucky! The difficulty is trying to figure out what I'm struggling with and then being able to communicate that but in the grand scheme of access to work, I've got it really good! Once I figure out all my adaptations, I might post on this forum to help other people who might be searching for adaptation ideas! All the girls at my work are so lovely and I love spending time with them. the only problem is, they all live in London where we work and, even with my railcard, I can't afford the extortionate train ticket (£35!) to go and see them outside work hours/ at weekends when they all meet up so I'm trying to make some friends locally. I also have a mentor for work provided by ATW and she sometimes acts like a therapist which is wonderful. I've also found an SA survivors support group near me- I just need to pluck up the courage to get myself down there!
I've found a lot of comfort in just taking the days hour by hour and accepting that this is just going to be a rough patch and it will get better like it has in the past! Thank you all again for your messages. It was really validating to read other people saying that my life is tough at the moment- I never tell anyone about all this so I assumed it was just what adult life was like! It makes it easier to recover from it all and realise things can/will improve!
have a lovely week!xx
Hi cmorey. I’m sorry to hear life is so tough for you now. It a really good thing that you know the amount you are eating isn’t enough and is unsustainable. I would urge you to prioritise seeking help with you eating before anything else. GP would be first place to try and you might find www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk helpful. You’ve had your life turned upside down and am living through a really hard time right now. Keep reaching out for the help you need to get you through this. Wishing you all the best x
also i do weights regulary too, now building regular muscle burns alot of calories passively... more than cardio excercise as it does it all the time none stop even when your not excercising no more... the muscle also then burns and eats itself too, but yeah it usually burns and chews the calories and fat passively and efficiently if thats what your worried about. so muscle can offset anything, and it is also a energy source as your body then can use and burn the muscle if it runs out of fat or calories. but its ok you can regain muscle, and keep it going. you find your calorie cap to consume can increase due to muscles greedy requirement of burning all your fat and calorie imput
or as i do.... if i ever overindulge and suspect i had too much calories and too much chocolate.... i have soup meals for a week... soup is the least calories meal you can ever have, no matter how much junk i eat i can offset anything with soup... i can lose weight while having tens of thousands of calories in chocolate and seemingly be a huge junk food garbage can that seemingly never gains weight, so long as i control and offset it with soup as my main meals.
ok so you acknowledge that 600-1000 calories is nowhere near enough to function..... so working with that you then agree that you need more calories... now, why dont you set a calorie amount you think is adequate to function per day?then.... you stress over counting calories, so the work around for that i will state now.... the set calories you have agreed youd be ok with, take that, then now calculate in meals you can buy each week or have each day how much in calories in meals that is.... buy the same meals every week, so it stays the same, so you dont need to calculate calories because its literally the same meals every day or every week which you have already calculated so already know... that way you can have a decent set amount of calories controlled by you, set to your amount regulary, and you dont need to calculate every meal because youd have the same stuff every week which you have already calculated and know comes to your calorie amount specified. it then becomes a hands off no calculation routine set eating plan....
Hi, cmorey sorry to hear that you're not dealing with life very well at the moment. There's a lot to address here, but I like a challenge so I'll do my best to come up with some ideas.
Your food restriction seems to be a way of gaining control - I'll come back to that later, but there are other things you need to try to shift your focus to.
Firstly, your mental health needs addressing - have you spoken to your GP or asked your employer if they arrange therapy sessions for staff if required? The relationship breakup, trauma from past abuse, feeling isolated and unable to form friendships or do some daily chores needs treatment in the form of counselling and/or medication.
You say you are struggling to keep up at work and to advocate for your needs, then later you say you are barely functioning at the moment. Are you currently on sick leave? Can you email your employer and outline how they could support you when you return to work? Is there a personnel manager or a colleague you trust who can advocate for or support you?
In terms of household chores, try writing a list, and seeing how many you can get done and tick off the list each day. I understand the worry about using a laundrette, but for now you could just hand wash a few things in a sink or the bath and then hang them over the bath to dry, until you feel stronger and more able to cope with a new environment and task.
Relationships will be difficult until you are able to start trusting people again. Are there any single ladies where you work who you feel you know well enough to ask if they want to go see a movie together? Once you feel comfortable enough with them, you could ask if they want to come over to your flat to watch a movie - which is less expensive - and hopefully they will start asking you over to their place. Do you have any contact with other family members apart from your mother? If so, can you arrange for them to visit you one weekend? Or you visit them?
Body issues are linked to self esteem. Your mother's attitudes and your boyfriend abandoning you will have had a huge effect on this. I'm going to talk straight to you now: There is no such thing as a "perfect" body and you must not let them influence how you feel about yourself.
Now finally to food. I have been on weight loss diets in the past, and the worst type for me was calorie control, because like you I got obsessed with the numbers. Stop it, it's hurting you. I've done a lot of research on diet and I can tell you that not all calories are equal - our bodies process different types of food differently. My experience is that you can reach or maintain a healthy weight while eating as much meat, eggs, fish, fruit and vegetables as you want, so you won't feel hungry. For a well balanced diet, also eat a small portion of nuts or peanuts and a portion of healthy carbs each day (sweet potato or wild rice are ideal). You say you can't have dairy, but if you could tolerate some lactose free cheese and /or plant milk, that would be good for you too, as it adds extra protein and calcium.
I wish you all the best.
Wow you have been through so much.
I think that for someone like you, even if you do eat food, it'll never be too the point that you'll become overweight, because you're very conscious about how much you're eating. If you watch videos of people who are plus-sized, they eat food throughout the entire day. I don't know how they afford so much food, but as much as you obsess about calorie counting, that's how much they'll obsess about eating food. Both are extreme, but somewhere in the middle is the right balance.
Hopefully you can sit down and enjoy a meal one day without calorie counting. Maybe think of the benefits from the food you eat, I mean other than the calories, there's essential minerals, vitamins, and proteins, that are vital to making the body function optimally. And calories are just a measure of energy that's in food, and energy helps you do lots of things in life.
I think your problems are just there all at once, and they are overwhelming you. I think that you have things to deal with that were not initially your problems, I mean your mother imposed this obsessive calorie counting onto you, society has imposed this image of skinny being the ideal body type onto you, and predators mascarading as friends have done something unconsentual to you, and your physical body seems like it's under the control by external factors, and not in the control of you.
It's challenging to concentrate on what would be best for your body and mind, and try to keep your place tidy at the same time. I have liquid meal replacements as a back up, for whenever I don't have clean dishes, or if I'm feeling unwell, I'll just drink one to have some nutrients. It's hard to focus and to do things without any food or energy, so the drink helps with that. But I'll try to eat actual food whenever I can.
I think that I would make friends with people from school or work, because these people are on file, and if they ever harassed me, I could do something about it. However, making friends with strangers would worry me.
I hope you stay vigilent in protecting yourself. There are so many people who are survivors of SA, and maybe talking to them will help with your recovery. Therapy would be nice to have as well, even saving up for one session could make a difference.