Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi :) I'm not really sure what I want out of this- I think I just want a place to get things off my chest to a community of people who may understand my way of thinking. I haven't spoken to anyone about it either but I know that can help. TW for anyone who might need it- It's about ED's in quite some depth (but not in any way promoting it!) and touches lightly on SA.
So recently (as in the past week) I've found a strange comfort in eating as little as possible. I've always been food-obsessed. I was lucky enough not to have any food aversions but I did grow up with an "almond mum"- she has always been obsessive about healthy eating and calorie counting which is fine but now I'm older, I can recognise that in her case, it's to an unhealthy point where her whole life is based around food and how much she can restrict it. (she is likely autistic too but she hasn't been diagnosed like me) I've always loved food and find a LOT of comfort in eating but my mum always made sure I didn't eat "too much" and I guess that stuck with me because as soon as I moved out, I hired a nutritionist to guide me on calorie counting and getting/maintaining the "perfect" body.
I've recently moved to a new city. I had to stop working with the nutritionist to be able to afford my new rent but I continued to calorie count. It's been a terrible first few months here. The huge life change being one of them- a new city and my first time living all alone. I didn't know anyone besides my boyfriend and last week he broke up with me so now I'm in a strange city with no one. I'm struggling to keep up at work because of all the chaos and just general autistic/adhd figuring out what my additional needs are and how to advocate for them. I also have been burnt in the past with multiple cases of pretty serious sexual assault that, to this day, no one knows about. Every SA inncident involved me thinking I was making new friends and then finding out, in the worst way possible, that these people weren't my friends. I'm so isolated in my flat and I'm terrified that I'm going to unknowingly walk into a horrid situation for the fourth time. How can I tell the difference between the people who are friends and the people who want to hurt me? my executive functioning is a mess for bills and chores and I'm scared of the laundrette (ridiculous I know but I've never been and I don't understand how it works!)
In the last month, my calorie counting has become obsessive. Along with the fact that I can't have gluten or dairy and I'm really financially tight at the moment (I can't afford heating, let alone allergen-safe ready meals) I'm in tears all the time, overwhelmed by figuring out how many calories I can or can't eat- there is so much maths involved and I obsess over the tiniest things- last weekend I was on the train trying not to cry because I was so hungry but I couldn't figure out how many calories were in a TicTac.
So, last week my boyfriend broke up with me (he didn't really know about all this- it was just because there wasn't much spark in our relationship anymore). I lost the only person I knew in the area, my only safe social interaction and, worst of all, all I had left of a routine. Now I can barely even get up for a shower because I don't have any landmarks in my week and without warning, all my plans have been completely thrown off.
On top of this, I lost my appetite. But on day one of the breakup, I found that not eating much food pretty much relieved all the stress around calorie counting, which had become the focus of my life. Quieting that part of my brain by skipping all three meals and just having the occasional snack brought me just a little peace amid the chaos. I've been eating between 600-1000 calories a day (nowhere near enough to function btw but that's just the thing, I'm not functioning at the moment, I'm just lying on my sofa paralysed) Yesterday, I got my appetite back and I was finally hungry again but when I went to the kitchen to get some food, I couldn't bring myself to do it. when I eat, or when I'm even around food, I feel completely out of control and even though I can acknowledge that I'm not in control right now either, restricting food feels like control and in my life right now, I have zero control over anything. my routines could change at any moment, I can't predict who will enter or leave my life and who will hurt me. there's also a lot of admin involved in eating and right now, I don't even have any clean cutlery! On top of this, there is that voice in my head that I've had since childhood (and sadly I think a lot of people also struggle with) cheering me on in the quest to be as skinny as humanly possible because that's how society accepts people.
I suppose this is the sensible part of my brain reaching out for advice because I have a feeling this way of approaching food could get very dangerous very quickly and I'm already reluctant to help myself because its the only sense of purpose/structure/control that I have right now!
Sorry it got a little dark. I usually love how upbeat and positive this forum is! I didn't realise just how sticky my situation was until I wrote it all down!
Hi, cmorey sorry to hear that you're not dealing with life very well at the moment. There's a lot to address here, but I like a challenge so I'll do my best to come up with some ideas.
Your food restriction seems to be a way of gaining control - I'll come back to that later, but there are other things you need to try to shift your focus to.
Firstly, your mental health needs addressing - have you spoken to your GP or asked your employer if they arrange therapy sessions for staff if required? The relationship breakup, trauma from past abuse, feeling isolated and unable to form friendships or do some daily chores needs treatment in the form of counselling and/or medication.
You say you are struggling to keep up at work and to advocate for your needs, then later you say you are barely functioning at the moment. Are you currently on sick leave? Can you email your employer and outline how they could support you when you return to work? Is there a personnel manager or a colleague you trust who can advocate for or support you?
In terms of household chores, try writing a list, and seeing how many you can get done and tick off the list each day. I understand the worry about using a laundrette, but for now you could just hand wash a few things in a sink or the bath and then hang them over the bath to dry, until you feel stronger and more able to cope with a new environment and task.
Relationships will be difficult until you are able to start trusting people again. Are there any single ladies where you work who you feel you know well enough to ask if they want to go see a movie together? Once you feel comfortable enough with them, you could ask if they want to come over to your flat to watch a movie - which is less expensive - and hopefully they will start asking you over to their place. Do you have any contact with other family members apart from your mother? If so, can you arrange for them to visit you one weekend? Or you visit them?
Body issues are linked to self esteem. Your mother's attitudes and your boyfriend abandoning you will have had a huge effect on this. I'm going to talk straight to you now: There is no such thing as a "perfect" body and you must not let them influence how you feel about yourself.
Now finally to food. I have been on weight loss diets in the past, and the worst type for me was calorie control, because like you I got obsessed with the numbers. Stop it, it's hurting you. I've done a lot of research on diet and I can tell you that not all calories are equal - our bodies process different types of food differently. My experience is that you can reach or maintain a healthy weight while eating as much meat, eggs, fish, fruit and vegetables as you want, so you won't feel hungry. For a well balanced diet, also eat a small portion of nuts or peanuts and a portion of healthy carbs each day (sweet potato or wild rice are ideal). You say you can't have dairy, but if you could tolerate some lactose free cheese and /or plant milk, that would be good for you too, as it adds extra protein and calcium.
I wish you all the best.