Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi :) I'm not really sure what I want out of this- I think I just want a place to get things off my chest to a community of people who may understand my way of thinking. I haven't spoken to anyone about it either but I know that can help. TW for anyone who might need it- It's about ED's in quite some depth (but not in any way promoting it!) and touches lightly on SA.
So recently (as in the past week) I've found a strange comfort in eating as little as possible. I've always been food-obsessed. I was lucky enough not to have any food aversions but I did grow up with an "almond mum"- she has always been obsessive about healthy eating and calorie counting which is fine but now I'm older, I can recognise that in her case, it's to an unhealthy point where her whole life is based around food and how much she can restrict it. (she is likely autistic too but she hasn't been diagnosed like me) I've always loved food and find a LOT of comfort in eating but my mum always made sure I didn't eat "too much" and I guess that stuck with me because as soon as I moved out, I hired a nutritionist to guide me on calorie counting and getting/maintaining the "perfect" body.
I've recently moved to a new city. I had to stop working with the nutritionist to be able to afford my new rent but I continued to calorie count. It's been a terrible first few months here. The huge life change being one of them- a new city and my first time living all alone. I didn't know anyone besides my boyfriend and last week he broke up with me so now I'm in a strange city with no one. I'm struggling to keep up at work because of all the chaos and just general autistic/adhd figuring out what my additional needs are and how to advocate for them. I also have been burnt in the past with multiple cases of pretty serious sexual assault that, to this day, no one knows about. Every SA inncident involved me thinking I was making new friends and then finding out, in the worst way possible, that these people weren't my friends. I'm so isolated in my flat and I'm terrified that I'm going to unknowingly walk into a horrid situation for the fourth time. How can I tell the difference between the people who are friends and the people who want to hurt me? my executive functioning is a mess for bills and chores and I'm scared of the laundrette (ridiculous I know but I've never been and I don't understand how it works!)
In the last month, my calorie counting has become obsessive. Along with the fact that I can't have gluten or dairy and I'm really financially tight at the moment (I can't afford heating, let alone allergen-safe ready meals) I'm in tears all the time, overwhelmed by figuring out how many calories I can or can't eat- there is so much maths involved and I obsess over the tiniest things- last weekend I was on the train trying not to cry because I was so hungry but I couldn't figure out how many calories were in a TicTac.
So, last week my boyfriend broke up with me (he didn't really know about all this- it was just because there wasn't much spark in our relationship anymore). I lost the only person I knew in the area, my only safe social interaction and, worst of all, all I had left of a routine. Now I can barely even get up for a shower because I don't have any landmarks in my week and without warning, all my plans have been completely thrown off.
On top of this, I lost my appetite. But on day one of the breakup, I found that not eating much food pretty much relieved all the stress around calorie counting, which had become the focus of my life. Quieting that part of my brain by skipping all three meals and just having the occasional snack brought me just a little peace amid the chaos. I've been eating between 600-1000 calories a day (nowhere near enough to function btw but that's just the thing, I'm not functioning at the moment, I'm just lying on my sofa paralysed) Yesterday, I got my appetite back and I was finally hungry again but when I went to the kitchen to get some food, I couldn't bring myself to do it. when I eat, or when I'm even around food, I feel completely out of control and even though I can acknowledge that I'm not in control right now either, restricting food feels like control and in my life right now, I have zero control over anything. my routines could change at any moment, I can't predict who will enter or leave my life and who will hurt me. there's also a lot of admin involved in eating and right now, I don't even have any clean cutlery! On top of this, there is that voice in my head that I've had since childhood (and sadly I think a lot of people also struggle with) cheering me on in the quest to be as skinny as humanly possible because that's how society accepts people.
I suppose this is the sensible part of my brain reaching out for advice because I have a feeling this way of approaching food could get very dangerous very quickly and I'm already reluctant to help myself because its the only sense of purpose/structure/control that I have right now!
Sorry it got a little dark. I usually love how upbeat and positive this forum is! I didn't realise just how sticky my situation was until I wrote it all down!
ok so you acknowledge that 600-1000 calories is nowhere near enough to function..... so working with that you then agree that you need more calories... now, why dont you set a calorie amount you think is adequate to function per day?then.... you stress over counting calories, so the work around for that i will state now.... the set calories you have agreed youd be ok with, take that, then now calculate in meals you can buy each week or have each day how much in calories in meals that is.... buy the same meals every week, so it stays the same, so you dont need to calculate calories because its literally the same meals every day or every week which you have already calculated so already know... that way you can have a decent set amount of calories controlled by you, set to your amount regulary, and you dont need to calculate every meal because youd have the same stuff every week which you have already calculated and know comes to your calorie amount specified. it then becomes a hands off no calculation routine set eating plan....
or as i do.... if i ever overindulge and suspect i had too much calories and too much chocolate.... i have soup meals for a week... soup is the least calories meal you can ever have, no matter how much junk i eat i can offset anything with soup... i can lose weight while having tens of thousands of calories in chocolate and seemingly be a huge junk food garbage can that seemingly never gains weight, so long as i control and offset it with soup as my main meals.