Published on 12, July, 2020
Like many (most?) autistic people I feel very disconnected from other people. I’ve often said I feel like an invisible ghost walking among the living.
But sitting in the dark in my house with the blinds closed, wondering if there is a real world outside or if I’m trapped in a bubble, has reminded me of a thought that I seriously toyed with in my darkest period, in my late teens.
Solipsism.
The idea that my mind is the only thing that exists. That other people aren’t real. A bit, I suppose, like I’m the only real player character trapped in a game full of NPCs and that’s why I can’t connect with anyone - they’re not real.
Ironically, of late, I’ve considered that it’s me who’s an NPC.
Have any of you ever felt this way?
For many years, starting in childhood, I created my own imaginary world in my head. I could choose to go in and out of that world when I was alone, a way of dissociating and escaping from reality. In that world I could be myself without fear and had imaginary friends and partners. For me it was a better place to be than the real world.
I was always aware it wasn't real but I suppose being in that imaginary world was both enjoyable and addictive. Strangely since I discovered that I'm autistic I've stopped doing this. Perhaps now that I can finally understand who I am and be myself there is no need. I have memories of the time I spent with those imaginary characters as if they were real people, except I know they were not. Hearing a specific music track can trigger a memory of the time I spent in that world.
I believe this is known as maladaptive daydreaming. I believe there is a link with both autism and ADHD. Reading accounts online it is associated with movement very similar to stimming and the use of music to block out any external sounds.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/consciousness-and-psychopathology/202205/why-we-should-take-maladaptive-daydreaming-seriously
https://www.wondermind.com/article/maladaptive-daydreaming/
https://www.theguardian.com/science/2022/aug/28/i-just-go-into-my-head-and-enjoy-it-the-people-who-cant-stop-daydreaming
I do maladaptive daydreaming. The longest one ive done was 27hrs straight without eating, sleeping, or doing anything else. Usually they last only 2-3 hours now but I do it several times in the day. Its always the same places and people but the plot changes, and its like a movie. Sometimes I get a little too into it though, like if a character breaks their leg then I actually feel like my leg is broken (I can make it not feel broken again though) and ive had this specific story going on for 5ish years. My daydreams happen in Arendelle which I think feeds into my special interest, but I also think my special interest feeds into the daydream, so its a cycle or greatness I think
I dont get why some sites are saying "suffer". I wouldnt say I suffer from it. I find it the most wonderful thing ever. Sure im not out socialising or other stuff, but I wouldnt be doing that anyway. Plus I think my daydreaming helps me process things. I can create any senario and then figure out how things would play out, and I can see how each person is feeling.
I guess it's the same as the way people say we 'suffer' with autism. I agree with you that it can help to process things. It's likely a coping mechanism that makes life a little more bearable.
Everyone daydreams to some extent but it can become problematic when it interferes with real life. Becoming so absorbed in the imaginary world that you don't eat or sleep is not good.
Also when we prefer that world to real life it can be problematic. Any future real friendships or relationships are never going to measure up to the idealised ones we have created.