Published on 12, July, 2020
Like many (most?) autistic people I feel very disconnected from other people. I’ve often said I feel like an invisible ghost walking among the living.
But sitting in the dark in my house with the blinds closed, wondering if there is a real world outside or if I’m trapped in a bubble, has reminded me of a thought that I seriously toyed with in my darkest period, in my late teens.
Solipsism.
The idea that my mind is the only thing that exists. That other people aren’t real. A bit, I suppose, like I’m the only real player character trapped in a game full of NPCs and that’s why I can’t connect with anyone - they’re not real.
Ironically, of late, I’ve considered that it’s me who’s an NPC.
Have any of you ever felt this way?
For many years, starting in childhood, I created my own imaginary world in my head. I could choose to go in and out of that world when I was alone, a way of dissociating and escaping from reality. In that world I could be myself without fear and had imaginary friends and partners. For me it was a better place to be than the real world.
I was always aware it wasn't real but I suppose being in that imaginary world was both enjoyable and addictive. Strangely since I discovered that I'm autistic I've stopped doing this. Perhaps now that I can finally understand who I am and be myself there is no need. I have memories of the time I spent with those imaginary characters as if they were real people, except I know they were not. Hearing a specific music track can trigger a memory of the time I spent in that world.
I believe this is known as maladaptive daydreaming. I believe there is a link with both autism and ADHD. Reading accounts online it is associated with movement very similar to stimming and the use of music to block out any external sounds.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/consciousness-and-psychopathology/202205/why-we-should-take-maladaptive-daydreaming-seriously
https://www.wondermind.com/article/maladaptive-daydreaming/
https://www.theguardian.com/science/2022/aug/28/i-just-go-into-my-head-and-enjoy-it-the-people-who-cant-stop-daydreaming
I do maladaptive daydreaming. The longest one ive done was 27hrs straight without eating, sleeping, or doing anything else. Usually they last only 2-3 hours now but I do it several times in the day. Its always the same places and people but the plot changes, and its like a movie. Sometimes I get a little too into it though, like if a character breaks their leg then I actually feel like my leg is broken (I can make it not feel broken again though) and ive had this specific story going on for 5ish years. My daydreams happen in Arendelle which I think feeds into my special interest, but I also think my special interest feeds into the daydream, so its a cycle or greatness I think
I dont get why some sites are saying "suffer". I wouldnt say I suffer from it. I find it the most wonderful thing ever. Sure im not out socialising or other stuff, but I wouldnt be doing that anyway. Plus I think my daydreaming helps me process things. I can create any senario and then figure out how things would play out, and I can see how each person is feeling.
I have ALWAYS been a daydreamer.
Autonomistic said:I believe this is known as maladaptive daydreaming. I believe there is a link with both autism and ADHD.
You have just reminded me of something.
In my 40s I applied to study for a degree - it was a combination of literature and writing.
On my application I stated that all my life I had made up stories in my head, that there was a constant narrative there, including conversations and that it would be good to be able to channel this.
I also remember thinking - 'is this normal, is it actually indicative of a mental issue'?
So, now I know.
I've just found an academic study on the link with autism and it concludes:
"This research indicates that experiences of MD are common among adults with ASD and are associated with high degrees of loneliness and emotion regulation difficulties."
https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2023-09759-001
When I was an adolescent, I couldn't wait to get to bed so that I could sleep.......and DREAM ! My dream worlds were as you describe above for your daydream world....but I would only ever remember them for the merest fraction of a moment when I awoke....but that was enough to make the concept of bed and sleeping a VERY attractive one for me.
Autonomistic said:Strangely since I discovered that I'm autistic I've stopped doing this. Perhaps now that I can finally understand who I am and be myself there is no need.
Fascinating insight there.
I had a friend who did similar when I was younger but she told me everything as though it was real so I believed it all.
I'm not sure that she didn't believe it was real too.