Published on 12, July, 2020
Like many (most?) autistic people I feel very disconnected from other people. I’ve often said I feel like an invisible ghost walking among the living.
But sitting in the dark in my house with the blinds closed, wondering if there is a real world outside or if I’m trapped in a bubble, has reminded me of a thought that I seriously toyed with in my darkest period, in my late teens.
Solipsism.
The idea that my mind is the only thing that exists. That other people aren’t real. A bit, I suppose, like I’m the only real player character trapped in a game full of NPCs and that’s why I can’t connect with anyone - they’re not real.
Ironically, of late, I’ve considered that it’s me who’s an NPC.
Have any of you ever felt this way?
For many years, starting in childhood, I created my own imaginary world in my head. I could choose to go in and out of that world when I was alone, a way of dissociating and escaping from reality. In that world I could be myself without fear and had imaginary friends and partners. For me it was a better place to be than the real world.
I was always aware it wasn't real but I suppose being in that imaginary world was both enjoyable and addictive. Strangely since I discovered that I'm autistic I've stopped doing this. Perhaps now that I can finally understand who I am and be myself there is no need. I have memories of the time I spent with those imaginary characters as if they were real people, except I know they were not. Hearing a specific music track can trigger a memory of the time I spent in that world.
I believe this is known as maladaptive daydreaming. I believe there is a link with both autism and ADHD. Reading accounts online it is associated with movement very similar to stimming and the use of music to block out any external sounds.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/consciousness-and-psychopathology/202205/why-we-should-take-maladaptive-daydreaming-seriously
https://www.wondermind.com/article/maladaptive-daydreaming/
https://www.theguardian.com/science/2022/aug/28/i-just-go-into-my-head-and-enjoy-it-the-people-who-cant-stop-daydreaming
Autonomistic said:Strangely since I discovered that I'm autistic I've stopped doing this. Perhaps now that I can finally understand who I am and be myself there is no need.
Fascinating insight there.
I had a friend who did similar when I was younger but she told me everything as though it was real so I believed it all.
I'm not sure that she didn't believe it was real too.
I never told anyone about my imaginary world and the characters I created. It was intensely private to me and quite separate from real life.