Published on 12, July, 2020
Today was my first day back to school since my winter break. Yesterday I was nervous because I wasnt sure what things would change and what would stay the same. I wont go into detail of my day because 1, you dont care, and 2, I dont have enough words or will to write about it.
All day I just kept wanting to cry and right now I just wish I didnt have to live (im not su*cidal, I just dont want to). Ive realised that when I have school then im much less happy than when I dont. The thing is that today wasnt even particularly bad in any way, it was just a normal school day: got made fun of a little, anxiety, bright lights, loud shovey rude people, more anxiety. I havent eaten anything all day so maybe thats to do with some of it but I dont feel like eating.
I want to do school. I like learning, I like my teachers and even the students can be fine when they are nice and I can observe them interacting with each other but not me. But every time I have school then I just want to drop out. I wont because im too nervous to talk to whoever you talk to to drop out, and I know ill regret it.
But how the heck did any of you get through school every day? Im a bit nervous to post this because whenever I start talking about my problems then people get annoyed with me and stop being my friend. There must be some NT code about how much negative emotions youre allowed to share or something.
Really sorry that returning to school has been so difficult. I hope your second day was a bit easier.
This probably will not be reassuring(!), but I still get that ‘back-to-school’ feeling before returning to work after a week off. I was back in on Tuesday 2 January, and my stomach started churning the Friday before! With pretty much anything, my mind decides to dwell on the negatives rather than the positives, which skews my perceptions for the first couple of days back, focusing on the irritations and ignoring the better stuff, and then I gradually find my rhythm again. For me, part of it is just the change in routine, particularly moving to one that is more structured and which requires ploughing on with things despite what my mind is wanting to think about!
A lot of pupils in the UK are still struggling to cope with the after-effects of the pandemic and the disruption that it caused to their education. Has that been an issue for you? I think if I had discovered the joys of schooling from home then I would have been reluctant to return to the organised chaos of physical school.
It is good that you like learning and your teachers. What are your aspirations for when you finish school completely? I find it easier to do things that I am not that keen on if they feel like a stepping stone towards something I want, so if you are able to frame school in that way then it may help a little. You have gotten this far, so just hang in there a bit longer, then freedom awaits!
I really appreciate open and honest posts like yours. On the face of it, our lives are very different (I have never seen Frozen, don't hate me), but what you and others write often triggers thoughts that help me understand myself and the world around me a little better. So thank you, and keep sharing.
InfinitePlanner said:This probably will not be reassuring(!), but I still get that ‘back-to-school’ feeling before returning to work after a week off
For British people of a certain age, the Antiques Roadshow theme music is still traumatising.