Published on 12, July, 2020
Today was my first day back to school since my winter break. Yesterday I was nervous because I wasnt sure what things would change and what would stay the same. I wont go into detail of my day because 1, you dont care, and 2, I dont have enough words or will to write about it.
All day I just kept wanting to cry and right now I just wish I didnt have to live (im not su*cidal, I just dont want to). Ive realised that when I have school then im much less happy than when I dont. The thing is that today wasnt even particularly bad in any way, it was just a normal school day: got made fun of a little, anxiety, bright lights, loud shovey rude people, more anxiety. I havent eaten anything all day so maybe thats to do with some of it but I dont feel like eating.
I want to do school. I like learning, I like my teachers and even the students can be fine when they are nice and I can observe them interacting with each other but not me. But every time I have school then I just want to drop out. I wont because im too nervous to talk to whoever you talk to to drop out, and I know ill regret it.
But how the heck did any of you get through school every day? Im a bit nervous to post this because whenever I start talking about my problems then people get annoyed with me and stop being my friend. There must be some NT code about how much negative emotions youre allowed to share or something.
Really sorry that returning to school has been so difficult. I hope your second day was a bit easier.
This probably will not be reassuring(!), but I still get that ‘back-to-school’ feeling before returning to work after a week off. I was back in on Tuesday 2 January, and my stomach started churning the Friday before! With pretty much anything, my mind decides to dwell on the negatives rather than the positives, which skews my perceptions for the first couple of days back, focusing on the irritations and ignoring the better stuff, and then I gradually find my rhythm again. For me, part of it is just the change in routine, particularly moving to one that is more structured and which requires ploughing on with things despite what my mind is wanting to think about!
A lot of pupils in the UK are still struggling to cope with the after-effects of the pandemic and the disruption that it caused to their education. Has that been an issue for you? I think if I had discovered the joys of schooling from home then I would have been reluctant to return to the organised chaos of physical school.
It is good that you like learning and your teachers. What are your aspirations for when you finish school completely? I find it easier to do things that I am not that keen on if they feel like a stepping stone towards something I want, so if you are able to frame school in that way then it may help a little. You have gotten this far, so just hang in there a bit longer, then freedom awaits!
I really appreciate open and honest posts like yours. On the face of it, our lives are very different (I have never seen Frozen, don't hate me), but what you and others write often triggers thoughts that help me understand myself and the world around me a little better. So thank you, and keep sharing.
InfinitePlanner said:This probably will not be reassuring(!), but I still get that ‘back-to-school’ feeling before returning to work after a week off
For British people of a certain age, the Antiques Roadshow theme music is still traumatising.
InfinitePlanner said:I hope your second day was a bit easier.
Thanks, yeah it was better. A few slight overwhelm feelings but other than that its been good. I passed off a piano song that I only started yesterday and my teacher said I played it really well so that made me happy.
InfinitePlanner said:A lot of pupils in the UK are still struggling to cope with the after-effects of the pandemic and the disruption that it caused to their education. Has that been an issue for you?
I personally was thrilled when at home learning was over after covid. That was back in middle school when my house had a lot of yelling and crying every day, so I liked being able to go to school and escape that. Now though I wonder if I would have enjoyed at home learning.
InfinitePlanner said:What are your aspirations for when you finish school completely?
Im not sure right now. I have a couple ideas but the self in my head and the self in real life are so different. Like I dont know how I could ever get a job with how I seem to everyone else. My family will want me to go to college then Ill probably get some psychology job or something completely random.
InfinitePlanner said:I have never seen Frozen, don't hate me
WHAT?? That pains my soul... Heres your life homework (due before you die): Watch Frozen, Frozen Fever, Olafs Frozen Adventure, Frozen 2, At Home With Olaf, Olaf Presents, Myth, and you could watch 4th season of Once Upon a Time (although this has so many inaccuracies... I can understand stuff like Idunas family tree problems since Fro2 didnt come out then, but how can they possibly excuse using the wrong futhark runes?) and then of course theres like the Lego Northern Lights short, Frozen told by emojis, and that one scene in Ralph Breaks the Internet, but all of those last 4 are kinda meh. Oh and you must read Polar Nights Cast Into Darkness, Dangerous Secrets, Forrest of Shadows, All Is Found, The Fixer Upper, and all the comics and short stories (im still trying to do that and it may be impossible so at least do the novels) and the book A Frozen Heart even though I dont like it that much, it has many new introduced characters (mainly Hans family). Then theres the Frozen Forces of Nature podcast which is REALLY good. I wrote you more homework than I did with everything else in this reply so I suppose thats enough homework lol