I feel useless

There’s nothing beautiful about perfection, if you can admit that you are not perfect, then you are definitely worth more than perfect. Perfect is a pig in sty. Perfection is a flat-line on a heart-monitor. All you need to do achieve ‘something’, is to expose yourself to ‘something’, and if you practice ‘something’ for long enough, you become an artist.  
So don’t worry too-much about the future, just get an understanding of the literal-thing that gets you out of bed in the morning, then ensure that you are exposed to it always, so that you will always be doing ‘something’.  
If by practicing-enough you find that going to Uni is justifiable, because it will give you a better knowledge of ‘something’, or give you a easier means of developing your art, then Uni will no longer be an ideal, it will be a practical-solution.  
The same goes for relationships just do you and keep exposing yourself to ‘something’. The same goes for living independently, if independence is a practical-solution, then it will seem as comfortable as breathing to justify.  

I hope this is a unique enough take notice of; hell, if I write ‘something’ enough, I might even write something compelling..:’D

Hi Caelus - wow - what an incredible post

Your plans of escape sound very familiar to me - I’ve often had these sorts of plans around wild camping, or getting a van and living in it, or just living in my car, or going up to Scotland and living in the most remote places, or even going to religious orders etc. So many ideas of escape and freedom.  But in practice very difficult!
I think (for me) it speaks of my struggle (and my boredom) with ‘normal life’ and feeling like I was just not suited to a regular life, regular job and the social demands that society places on us. I just wanted to be liberated and free to be myself. And I LOVE nature and being outdoors. 
But of course in practice these options of living wild etc are hugely challenging, even dangerous. 
I’m glad that you’ve found a route to a life you are happier with now. That’s a huge achievement and I’m really happy for you.

I have a pretty strong aversion/difficulty to being around people other than my family, but deep down I feel that isolation can actually be really damaging, and that more contact with other people is often very beneficial to mental health. So engaging with the world ‘out there’ is often important to having a happier and more balanced life. It’s not easy but I think we need to gently push ourselves out of our comfort zone sometimes. My son struggles hugely with motivation (as do I too sometimes) and it’s hard to break out of that. But I think it can be done - as you have proved :) 

Hi Number - I agree - I think this community is a place where people can come and express how they feel and people will understand and relate to that experience. Autistic people have a lot of common experiences and it comforting to be able to share that on here, and feel understood and accepted. 

I’m glad you’ve got a supportive family. I’m having therapy at the moment and it’s helping me (my son is having a more mixed experience of therapy). We’ve both had incredibly tough times these past 2 years - so we really empathise x I really do believe though that there is always hope that things can improve, even after many years of struggle. Hold on in there, and don’t give up, because you deserve to be able to enjoy your life and find happiness. You’ve obviously been through a lot, and I know myself so well how horrible it is to feel stuck and that you don’t know how to move forward in life. But you’re not alone, and in time I’m sure things will change and you’ll find your way x

yeah that type of issue can be difficult to tackle, but i feel it, i was living with my parents up until i was 32 with no education job history or employment and no prospect of doing anything or being accepted or moving on... i didnt have the motivation and desire to do anything. its hard to change and i dont think any advice could really make a difference as its a difficult thing to change or even understand to a person who doesnt feel it. other people will give advice and to them would be like its just easy to do it. to you theres no desire, no motivation. 

for me i got out of it a year or 2 back and somehow made a secure life in the space of 1 year. its hard to tell how i fixed it for myself. but in my mid 20s i took up martial arts and fitness and that changed me alot, motivated me to be personally better, but that alone wasnt good enough, but it was one tiny spark, i tried looking for fitness based jobs even tried joining the army and navy both of which rejected me for having no social life and not doing anything in my life.

i also started planning to be homeless and making it seem fun by watching vids of wild campers walking across the country and living out of tents. i brought tent and stuff i thought id need for that, it became a mental safety net providing me with something there that i can fall onto when i become homeless. then i looked at yachts, upgraded my plans to find a cheap yacht and planned to live out of a yacht on the coast of scotland, living freely in the beautful natural environment fishing and so on for free food... for that plan i had to have at least 3k in my bank which as i was on benefits and i dont spend i had that.

then i started having a bit too much money in my bank that benefits wouldnt let me stay on if i continued and so i put the overflow cash into crypto assets... which then went up in price quite a bit. so that legally pressured me into getting a job and provided job pressure.... and also i was having really bad depression and loneliness at a peak at that point too to the point i was lying on my floor shouting in frustration most of the time so that peak loneliness gave me the idea that with a job comes a break to the lonliness and people to connect to, which i thought id never wanted but i guess as i got older and more distanced and total lonely it does make you realise you still need some contact with people. so that provided pressure to get a job too.... then i applied for some in the space of a day or 2, likely thats all this breakdown pressure would even have me do, but out of that i got a lucky response to start right away, and have worked there for the past 2 years, used the crypto gains for my own property and normal secure life now.

i dunno alot of my end case results i think were pure luck though so as i said i dunno if any of it can be used or replicated in any way..... if i didnt get response from job after 1 or 2 days id likely have gone back to not being bothered and sticking with my yacht plan... i might even have ran away from parents house and dove right into that already which would likely have been a mistake maybe as i doubt i could actually have survived like that anyway lol i dont like doing things different too so going out right away to take up that job felt very weird and i could easily have just not done it and stayed in my bedroom and not moved. so it was alot of pure chance and luck on alot of factors even down to me actually bothering to go out there.

NAS73180 said:

Expecting neurotypical results from my neural pathways could possibly cause unnecessary suffering. 

That’s a good point 

Thank you. I’m on antidepressants and hopefully therapy soon. The depression and autism isn’t a fun combination because they seem to feed each other in a loop sort of 

Thank you I appreciate it. And yes luckily I do have family that try to be supportive as possible. I’m hoping to be able to go back to therapy this year

I know what you mean.  I have felt this at different times in my life.  Whatever the circumstances, everything felt like too much.  The diagnosis of ASD makes sense of it.  I think there is growing awareness of the difficulties around the condition and its impact and the Hope lies there.  Society, employers and people generally are realising the reality of the impact of ASD on our lives.

I am 58 and more than anyone else I need to be compassionate, kind and caring to others like me and to myself around ASD.  Expecting neurotypical results from my neural pathways could possibly cause unnecessary suffering. 

Hi I'm zac I have asd,adhd and eupd and I'm so sick of my brain I need help

It's good to be able to vent when you feel the need ... and this is a good place for a catastrophising rant.  I have found myself circling around with the type of thoughts you express.

The good news is,  it does get better ... eventually!  I'm been stuck in the "buggered beyond hope" mode for many, many consecutive months before.....and that is grim and really tests your resilience.  Notwithstanding, it does get better.

Hang in there mate.

Kind regards

Number

Being autistic in a world that's not built for us is already a lot of hard work- just the fact that you're still here is proof that you are doing something, even if that something is 'surviving'.

You said in one of your replies that you've had depression for a long time as well- are you receiving any treatment for it? I often find that if my own mental health issues are untreated or the current treatment isn't working well, it takes me all my time and energy just to exist, and everything seems a lot more hopeless than it does when things are going well.

Hi, Thank you for posting this - I’m sure many people will be able to relate to what you say. I have a family member who has often felt this way. I agree with some of the comments about breaking things down into very small steps forward - even the tiniest steps can be a real achievement and build your confidence (I know this from my own experience). You’re not alone - many autistic people feel this way. Try not to blame yourself for finding life so difficult - being autistic can make so many parts of everyday life really challenging. Be kind to yourself x 

Have you got supportive family members? And do you have any other support - such as therapy etc?

I wold also say that a degree isn't anything, particularly these days.  Only go to university if you really need a degree for your chosen job.  Otherwise, vocational training is often much better for you.

Ladybug5 said:

I don’t expect any solutions

We can offer some if you want - many of us have travelled that same path and can offer help if you want to ask for it.

We hear you.

MartinW said:

You haven't said why you feel that you can't do it

Not really the academic side- I definitely have issues with the social side and generally I just feel like my brain doesn’t work as I find it so hard to get through the day even when I do nothing. I don’t know how to explain really I just ‘can’t cope’ with daily living in most ways

Iain said:

tell us what you have problems with specifically

I have struggled with depression for so long on top of being autistic that I am always exhausted and overwhelmed.

thanks for the replies, sorry for the vent- I don’t expect any solutions just need to say it out loud

Hello, It took me two attempts to gain my degree but I did graduate in the end so please do not give up on the idea. I live alone and enjoy life but it took some time to get to this stage and I am sure you will too. 

Ladybug5 said:

I just can’t do it.

You may feel like you can't do it but I'll bet we can show you otherwise if you are willing.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step and you have done that by posting here, so you are infinitely further along than if you had done nothing.

Step 2 - tell us what you have problems with specifically and we will teach you how to work on these.

It's too late to stop now ;)

Hi Bug5 ... can you share some of your difficulties?  would you be up to doing some charity work?

Sorry to hear you feel that way, and I'm glad that you posted. A few thoughts generated by your post:

- I'm assuming that because you are talking about going to Uni you are relatively young. I do think that is a particularly hard time in life, it certainly was in mine, I suspect looking back that was because I was autistic (and didn't know it). Going from school, where the people you spend time with are pretty much decided for you, you have little choice over lessons, a well planned day, and living at home, to the wider world is tough. But it gets better.

- You haven't said why you feel that you can't do it - is it the academic side? The social side? The moving away from home (if that's what you are planning to do) side? if you try to break down the difficulties you think you would face, into manageable tasks / issues, that may help. So would thinking / researching what support might be available at Uni

- Another thing that I found works as a technique, when things feel really daunting, and you think you can't do it (whatever it is), is to say to yourself, 'OK, maybe I can't do 'it'. But supposing for a moment that I could, what would be the first step I would take towards it?' That may help break things down.

 - I did find Uni really hard, not to say others would, or that you would, but it is not the be-all and end-all. If Uni is really not for you (and only you can decide if that is the case) that's not the end of the world. You can still achieve things - really important things - in your career without going to Uni.