Published on 12, July, 2020
I have struggled with depression for at least 5 years and only more recently diagnosed as autistic. I’ve been on two different antidepressants- Sertraline and citalopram- and I’m not sure if I can even tell anymore if I feel any better.
I’ve been told that I’ve most likely been in a state of burnout for a long time so i now don’t know if autism is the root cause of all the depression I’ve felt ( I know it has definitely contributed) so would antidepressants just not work in this situation? Or am I just finding it harder to tell if I’m doing better because I can’t identify may own emotions as easily? I know that I don’t feel ‘happy’ or stable yet but I can tell if my mood has improved at all because I feel like my depression has caused so much brain fog.
has anyone had similar experience ?
Anti-depressants are a personal thing. You will experience different effects from others when taking them.
I have been on anti-depressants on and off from early teen years. I have tried every single anti-depressant, beta-blocker or anxiety med available to limited success. In the absolute depths of depression I find they lift my mood for around 6 months then stop working. At that point the side effects are tolerable because the symptoms are so bad. But then when I come out of the depression and I am dealing with anxiety they really don't help, many times it makes it worse. I also couldn't sleep properly, think clearly, have sex with my partner or even enjoy things by myself and hit a period of feeling completely dissociated. At this point I always come off them slowly and deal with the withdrawal for a while before trying to cope on my own. I don't do that very well either so I can't say if they are/aren't the best option. Therapy is so tricky for me because I only think in pictures and 'film', I have no internal monologue at all so it's hard to identify negative thinking until it has physical manifestations. For this reason it is also harder to tell if I am doing better on the anti-depressants too.Maybe you could keep a daily score of how you feel you are doing that day 1-10 then you can see how it is changing over time. The way I measured it was through productivity. How well was I keeping up with tasks at work and getting things done. How much was I having meltdowns, etc. It's a tricky situation when you never know how you feel!
Bean said:I have no internal monologue at all so it's hard to identify negative thinking until it has physical manifestations.
It is quite conceivable that I don't have an effective internal monologue either (it can be either an all encompassing and absorbing single-issue bass tone (lets call that focus)......or a thousand screaming cats in a bag (lets call that my normal!)
However, I do find that talking to myself out loud does offer me some additional clarity to what I am actually thinking (and perhaps more importantly) HOW I am thinking about stuff. It is often only when I talk to myself out loud that I realise I'm thinking about something the wrong way round or ***-about-face.
If you don't mind looking like a crazy person.....or feeling like a crazy person if you are on your own.....then I do advocate for a bit of talking to yourself.
Nice to meet you Bean.
Regards
Number.
Number said:It is often only when I talk to myself out loud that I realise I'm thinking about something the wrong way round or ***-about-face. If you don't mind looking like a crazy person.....or feeling like a crazy person if you are on your own.....then I do advocate for a bit of talking to yourself.
It is often only when I talk to myself out loud that I realise I'm thinking about something the wrong way round or ***-about-face.
People already think I'm a bit crazy, sure might as well go the whole hog . This actually sounds like a great idea. I find I always seek other people out to discuss my feelings with and my poor partner has to listen to me endlessly debating something with myself while he sits and nods occasionally. Maybe I'm unintentionally using other people to talk to myself. I'm definitely going to try this! Thanks for the tip
Number said:It is quite conceivable that I don't have an effective internal monologue either (it can be either an all encompassing and absorbing single-issue bass tone (lets call that focus)......or a thousand screaming cats in a bag (lets call that my normal!)
This sounds so intense! When I'm in rapid fire mode my brain can flash up images of things I've read, experiences/memories, notes, television, etc. I unconsciously convert words into diagrams in my head and can then manipulate them. It's a bit freaky to other people because my eyes can be darting back and forward rapidly while I put it altogether. I guess it's why I'm good at research. But I have trouble distinguishing between things I have read, things I have seen, things I have thought about happening, things I have dreamt, etc., because they are all stored in the same format. It can also make it difficult to get over traumatic memories because I see them so vividly no matter how long ago they were. The brain is a magical and strange thing sometimes. I always find it interesting how people think and the neurodivergent community have the most interesting and unique ways. It's something I think is a bit wonderful about us Also, lovely to meet you too!Best,Bean
Yeah, photos are really important to me because I think I also have SDAM and so I don't remember things and if I have photos then I have more chance of sort of remembering, or at least having evidence of nice things having happened and feeling like I might vaguely remember them. It is really fascinating how different everyone's brains are.
I have a friend who has aphantasia and is a photographer. He said it helps him record his thoughts in visual form to look at later. It's so cool how different everyone's brain is and it's so beneficial when we are able to share our abstract ideas and talents that come with it :)
Tangent, but reading about how other peoples' brains work and how they think really is fascinating. As someone with aphantasia this blows my mind, haha. Thanks both for sharing!
Thanks to the MODS for approving my message - now displayed - as above but one.
I've just written and posted a follow-up ....but it got pulled by the spam bot.......hopefully it will reappear quite quickly.
Bean said:This sounds so intense!
Yes, it is. I cope with it by forcing a very clear minded and linear approach to working through "stuff." Unfortunately, people often misunderstand "my emotion" when I am working through a thought.....they often think that I am cross or angry or arrogant or rude....but I am just being "efficiently intense" to aid my thinking.
I think my instant switch from "cats in a sack" thinking to "monotone bass" thinking is too immediate, intense and unnerving for most 'normal' souls to comfortably accommodate.
I do understand why people perceive me that way quite often, but it does upset me. No matter how hard I try to pre-explain what I am doing and why I do it that way, they seem unable to believe me or get scared or upset with me. I think it is exhausting for me and for them alike!!
....but.....there is an upside ! I have a proven track record of getting things (and thinking) done in unusual and innovative ways, and if someone has a problem that they want to talk about with me, I can fully engage with their issue without pus sy-footing around (where other 'normies' would be too "polite" or embarrassed or disinterested to fully engage with their issue.) I am repeatedly told that I am a very useful person, by people who have complex and difficult problems to process...
Now I know WHY I do it this way, I am less inclined to become upset and can remain calmer and more accommodating of the "fluff" that seems to flow from a more 'standardised' approach !
Viva the Autistic !