Published on 12, July, 2020
I have struggled with depression for at least 5 years and only more recently diagnosed as autistic. I’ve been on two different antidepressants- Sertraline and citalopram- and I’m not sure if I can even tell anymore if I feel any better.
I’ve been told that I’ve most likely been in a state of burnout for a long time so i now don’t know if autism is the root cause of all the depression I’ve felt ( I know it has definitely contributed) so would antidepressants just not work in this situation? Or am I just finding it harder to tell if I’m doing better because I can’t identify may own emotions as easily? I know that I don’t feel ‘happy’ or stable yet but I can tell if my mood has improved at all because I feel like my depression has caused so much brain fog.
has anyone had similar experience ?
Anti-depressants are a personal thing. You will experience different effects from others when taking them.
I have been on anti-depressants on and off from early teen years. I have tried every single anti-depressant, beta-blocker or anxiety med available to limited success. In the absolute depths of depression I find they lift my mood for around 6 months then stop working. At that point the side effects are tolerable because the symptoms are so bad. But then when I come out of the depression and I am dealing with anxiety they really don't help, many times it makes it worse. I also couldn't sleep properly, think clearly, have sex with my partner or even enjoy things by myself and hit a period of feeling completely dissociated. At this point I always come off them slowly and deal with the withdrawal for a while before trying to cope on my own. I don't do that very well either so I can't say if they are/aren't the best option. Therapy is so tricky for me because I only think in pictures and 'film', I have no internal monologue at all so it's hard to identify negative thinking until it has physical manifestations. For this reason it is also harder to tell if I am doing better on the anti-depressants too.Maybe you could keep a daily score of how you feel you are doing that day 1-10 then you can see how it is changing over time. The way I measured it was through productivity. How well was I keeping up with tasks at work and getting things done. How much was I having meltdowns, etc. It's a tricky situation when you never know how you feel!
Bean said:I have no internal monologue at all so it's hard to identify negative thinking until it has physical manifestations.
It is quite conceivable that I don't have an effective internal monologue either (it can be either an all encompassing and absorbing single-issue bass tone (lets call that focus)......or a thousand screaming cats in a bag (lets call that my normal!)
However, I do find that talking to myself out loud does offer me some additional clarity to what I am actually thinking (and perhaps more importantly) HOW I am thinking about stuff. It is often only when I talk to myself out loud that I realise I'm thinking about something the wrong way round or ***-about-face.
If you don't mind looking like a crazy person.....or feeling like a crazy person if you are on your own.....then I do advocate for a bit of talking to yourself.
Nice to meet you Bean.
Regards
Number.