I generally find the concept of lying abhorrent, so dread the question, especially when I am not OK - which happens often.
I have sometimes paused to think about the answer, which has led to "What's wrong?", to which my answer has been, cryptically, "it's complicated". End of conversation.
It's not that I don't want to talk about it, I do. I just don't feel comfortable in opening up, especially the risk of not being asked again, and generally ignored in the future.
Is it just me?
I just remembered a jokey answer I dropped in response to someone asking me this a few years ago during the height of the pandemic and it worked quite well actually.
A: "How are you?"
B: "Still alive apparently. 
"
I usually ask back "do you mean physically, mentally or emotionally?", I'm always serious as well as I want to be sure I answer properly.
By doing this not many people ask how I am, which means less social interaction, which in my books is a win-win for me.
People lack imagination when it comes to questions like that. I also find it too vague a question to give any meaningful response. There are dozens of possibilities to "how work is going". Cue: turning the question onto them because it's easier.
I realised a long time ago that this question is part of the NT dance of conversation. Very rarely does anyone actually want to know and they seem quite offended and almost annoyed with you if you tell them, as if they are thinking "I didnt want to know all that" to which my response would be "why did you ask then?"
From the opposite way round, if I ask someone how they are I genuinely care about the response and if they want to pour their problems out for 10 minutes thats fine by me
The worst one I find is the follow up question. Once they have asked you how you are, NT people always follow up with the same next question "Hows work?" . Sometimes it feels like most people think your whole life and worth as a person is tied up with whether you can hold down a "normal" job. As someone whos life problems and mental health problems are usually a result of work, and who is constantly changing jobs, I dread this question.
Sometimes I actually avoid places where I will see people so that I dont get asked this
I usually give the honest answer. Actually I was once accused of emotional blackmail for doing so!
Sometimes I say "Do you want the honest answer?" Then if they say no I'll say "Oh well in that case I'm outrageously happy thanks!"
I used to try to be positive and honest by saying "Trying to be all right". I'm too depressed to even say that now, and I'm not sure it is honest anymore as I've about given up even trying. I usually just say "Lonely" now.
The response I give very much depends on how well I know the person asking, how much information I am willing to provide, and if I think they are asking just to be polite, or because they are genuinely interested.
If the person asking is a neighbour that I get along with, I will usually respond with, "Do you want the short answer, or the honest answer?" If they say they want the honest answer and I notice their eyes glazing over with complete disinterest, then I work on the principle that it's their own fault for asking.
Close friends usually get the full honest answer, However, if I'm not in a good place emotionally, and I know they're not either, then sometimes I might omit certain information if I think it may add to their own problems and drag them down further.
With some people (my mother is an example), I might feel it is none of their business, so respond with something like, "So-so", "Up and down.", or "Same as I usually am.". If I'm asked to elaborate, I'll then make it clear that the topic of how I am is no longer up for discussion.
I try to think of it as acting rather than lying: I'm not being dishonest to somebody about something important, I'm just playing my part in them getting their daily quota of social interactions.
I had to quite literally learn scripts and rules for small talk by lurking in the break room at my old job and treating my colleagues like a nature documentary, so to me it really does feel like saying "good thanks, how are you" is just me showing that I learned my lines!
I respond with "not bad, you?". I see it as part and parcel of "hello". The people who actually care then say "and how are you really?". A lot of the time I don't feel I am anyone's business and if I am not ok it's just easier to keep it to myself instead of having people fussing. I find the whole song and dance strange as often I am still there 5 minutes later while they unload stuff onto me. So I find a lot of people don't follow the rules they set.
With the right person (someone I know will take it in the right spirit) I'll sometimes say 'Do you want the socially conventional answer or the truth?'
More commonly, I opt for 'Ticking over' or 'surviving' - said in a friendly way, not a morose tone. I think that's the best way to say that an ever fluctuating ratio of strikes to gutters is in play.
I'm not averse to the odd 'good' or 'just fine' if I feel that things are going especially well, but there's a tiny bit of complacency in that that I can feel might have an iron price. So.. rare and appropriate.
The real 'I'm good' moments should maybe be true and embracing of gratitude as you say them. They might even be a moment of surprised self-realisation that 'good' means 'good enough' (the sanest kind of good - cotentment in the 'isness' of an intuitively-guagued 'right' balance in things ). For a good illustration of this, maybe some of you recall the moment at the end of Frasier Season One, where - after 20 something episodes of resistance to his domestic situation, chasing elusive sustainable 'highs', worrying about his status, having his ego knocked about by this and that, he just has a moment of stillness where he realises that all (for now) is well, and that's good enough:
Waitress: Zimbabwe, decaf, non-fat milk, no cinnamon in sight.
Now - ARE YOU HAPPY?
Frasier: [answering Niles's question:] You know, in the greater
scheme... yes, I'd say I am.
He tastes his coffee. Fade out.
I decided years ago I was just gonna tell them the truth, really let them have it, and serves them right too lol.
yeah thats why the common response is "fine" as fine doesnt entirely mean anything really and is a way to shrug that question off.
i also mix it up and use "normal" which gets a laugh, and is ambiguous as to its meaning.... but pretty much im the same as i always am, my normal default everyday self, normal, it can be melancholic or anything, just the standard normality of life.
I love that, reminds me of this autism meme (2 versions) :
Most people don't actually want to know, so unless it's someone I'm actually close with or who needs to know I just give the "I'm good; you?" response and move on.
Once upon a time I was at a teen psych place and we always did check in in the mornings. The staff pulled me up on saying I was okay every day so I started saying I felt orange or table today. It got laughs but is probably not a great long term strategy.
There's an improv technique called "Yes And Technique" worth doing a search on to deal with social life.
Answer the question with a question:
Q. How are you
A. Ah, but the better question is, how are you??
Answer by turning how into what:
Q. How are you
A. Well, the earth is in orbit and it's two-o-clock
Answer the question with the hard cold truth.
Q. How are you
A. Well, now I feel awkward and invaded, so thanks for that. Let me buy you a drink and we can talk about something more interesting.
Answer the question with the improv technique.
Q. How are you
A. Yes. How am I. And that's a lovely shirt you've got on.
This last one takes work, but on the right day, if a hyperphant, you can indulge your imagination. If not, just pull random stuff from complexities in the surroundings.
But I hate this question. CLEARLY I've thought too much about how to navigate it. The first response is always a winner.
